FYI on Rach and Ry

Very Romantic

2012-02-17T19:37:00.000-08:00

As anyone familiar with the Nielson family knows, Valentines Day is a pretty big deal around our house.

In the week leading up to the big day, we are visited by a Secret Cupid who leaves all sorts of surprises and treats every day. (For history on how SC became part of our lives, click here.)

This year, Cupid must've been scared off by the insane amount of people that were visiting us for Noah's adoption finalization and sealing--because he didn't show up very often. He was either too scared or too tired to visit every day (I think it may have been the latter). But he did show up twice, once on Ryan's behalf and once on Rachel's.

Ryan came home from work to find this sign hanging on the bedroom door...

and when he opened the door, he found a message, spelled with his favorite candy!

Rachel came home the next night to find that SC had decorated the bedroom...

Yes, we have an ugly metal octopus lamp.

After that, Cupid disappeared. There was a lot going on, so we didn't mind. But we are expecting his return next year!!!

Our actual Valentines evening was very romantic.

Ryan got a steamy text message on his way home from work: "Can you stop and get a plunger?? The toilet is clogged and I need to use it! Hurry please!"

He walked into the apartment bearing sweet Valentines gifts that swept me off my feet.

I then served him a romantic dinner of leftovers (thanks, Ashley!), but at least it was served on heart-shaped plates.

Do I know how to set an attractive table, or what?

We sipped Kool-aid through our heart-shaped straw, and then we played a dice game. One dice stated an action ("Let's kiss," "Let's hug," "Let's dance," etc.) and the other dice stated a location ("In the bedroom," "On the couch," "On the porch," etc). Let me assure you, these dice were rated PG. I got them at the grocery store with all of the seasonal decorations. They prompted us to do romantic things such as "Let's play...in the closet."

We played Patty Cake. I wish I was joking.

Happy Valentines Day!

P.S. I am taking Ryan on a surprise Valentines Day date on Monday, and I am super excited because it is so random. Can't wait to blog about it.

I Need Your Help...

2012-02-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

...no, actually, my friends do...

Ana Maria

Fatima

Xiomara

Steven

Alonso

Sonia

Seven years ago, I walked into the Hogar del Nino orphanage in El Salvador for the first time. I have returned every summer since (with the exception of last summer due to the arrival of little Noah), and my life has been immeasurably enriched by the relationships I have made there. To read about my first experience at the Hogar, click here.

I run a non-profit program that recruits, trains, and oversees the work of American volunteers at the orphanage, and I am feeling desperate. We'd love to have volunteers there year-round, and sometimes we do, but unfortunately we haven't had volunteers at the Hogar since August. To make matters worse, we don't have anyone signed up to volunteer this summer. It will be the first time in six years that we haven't had volunteers living at the Hogar during the summer months.

Without volunteers, the residents of the orphanage sit in their wheelchairs under a pavilion all day every day and get almost no stimulation or education. They deserve a better life than that.

PLEASE HELP ME.

I know there are people out there who would love the experience of living and serving in an orphanage for three months, but they just don't know that this opportunity exists. Can you please help spread the word?

*Take a moment and think about the people in your life who might be in a position to serve. Do you know anyone who loves children? Do you know anyone who speaks Spanish fluently (one member of each volunteer team must speak the language)? Do you know anyone who loves to serve? PLEASE contact anyone whom you think would be a good fit for this program and ask them to contact me. We send a pair of volunteers every three months; they sometimes apply together, or they sometimes apply as individuals and are then paired with another applicant. We've had friends and siblings apply together, as well as young married couples. I think it would be possible for a young couple with one child to volunteer. It would also be possible for a retired couple. Please think hard about the people in your life who might love this opportunity and get this information to them. Even if they can't volunteer this summer, we could get them lined up to volunteer in the fall or winter.

*See the cute Hogar del Nino Project blog button on my sidebar? Please post it on your blog, so we'll get more traffic to our site! Copy the displayed HTML code, and add it as a gadget to your own sidebar.

*Please also add the Hogar del Nino Project blog to your "blog list" or feed. I know from experience that I sometimes click on the links displayed on my friends' blog lists.

*Please post the link to our website on Facebook and ask people to share it. Facebook is an amazing way to reach lots of people in a short amount of time. I would really appreciate if you could share share share: http://help-international.org/hogar-del-niño

*Please "like" the Hogar del Nino Program on Facebook.

*Please think about if there is any other way you can help spread the information. Do you have a high-traffic blog on which you would be willing to let me guest post? Do you live close to a college campus or an Institute Building where you could hang fliers (most of our volunteers have been college students)? Do you know any college professors who might be willing to share this information with their classes? I welcome ideas of how I can get the word out about the Hogar to more people.

If you can't tell, I feel extremely passionate about this cause, and I want to do everything in my power to help my friends at the Hogar. I know volunteers make a huge impact in their lives. The photos say it all:

Thank you for your help!!

Why I Was Doing So Much Laundry In the First Place:

2012-02-08T23:04:00.000-08:00

Noah's brand new pajamas
30 seconds after we put them on him for the first time.
Don't believe the message on his shirt.

I had high hopes that once he started eating solid foods, he would stop spitting up so much.

Turns out, he spits up the same amount--but now in technicolor!

AWESOME! :)

One Year Ago Today

2012-02-07T08:24:00.000-08:00

As I sit here and watch my portly six-month old tear apart a bag of diapers and try to eat them, it is hard to believe that one year ago--one year ago today--I got the phone call from Katie asking if we wanted to be Noah's parents.

On January 13, 2011, we'd had a major disappointment, with a birthmother changing her mind about placing her baby with us. She was the eighth birthmother to contact us, and yet nothing had worked out--we still didn't have a baby. I was so discouraged. I ached for a baby and wondered if I would ever be a mother.

And then, on February 7th, I got Katie's phone call. It's amazing what can change in just a few weeks' time.

And it's amazing what can change in one year:

Meeting Katie and Drew for the first time
March 2011

Spending the week just prior to Noah's birth with Katie
July 2011

Best night of my life
August 1, 2011

I love these three with all of my heart.

A happy family of three
November 2011

This Friday, Noah's adoption will be finalized in court. On Saturday, we will take him to the Mormon temple to be sealed to us forever. We believe that family relationships are not just "til death do we part" but continue into the eternities, and on Saturday, our adoption will be made official in a religious sense--Noah will be ours not just for this life, but forever. Then on Sunday, Noah will be blessed in church (we don't baptize babies because we don't believe they have the ability to sin, but they are formally given a name and a blessing in church). It will be a big weekend for our little guy, and I hope he's up for all of the excitement.

We are so blessed to have all of our family coming for the festivities. In addition to my family who lives here in Denver, we will be joined by Ryan's parents, all of his siblings and their spouses, and my little sister who lives San Diego. Katie, her parents, her grandma, Drew, and his mother will also be coming for the weekend to celebrate with us. It's going to be one giant Noah party.

I have dreamed of going to the temple with Noah for a long time, even before he was born. I wrote a journal entry about it here.

One year ago today, my life changed forever. One year ago today, I found out that I would be a mother and Ryan would be a father--that, together, we would raise and love and teach a precious little spirit. One year ago today, I never could've foreseen the beautiful things that God had in store for our family.

What kind of a housewife am I??

2012-02-05T16:11:00.000-08:00

Remember when Noah was first born, and I had delusions of becoming a great housewife?

Well, this week, I ruined three loads of laundry. THREE. First, I forgot that a load was in the washer and left it there for several days. All of those clothes now have a funky mildew smell. (Any advice?) Then, I washed a load without realizing that my purple uniball pen was in the pocket of my sweatpants. The whites (including Ryan's nice dress shirt and all of our underwear) now have a nice violet hue. And finally, and this one is the kicker, I did a load of Noah's clothes using fabric softener instead of laundry detergent. The fabric softener was in a big jug like detergent, and I just poured it right onto the clothes, not thinking. The undiluted blue liquid left splatter stains all over everything.

I swear I have been doing my own laundry for about ten years now without incident. How could I ruin three loads of laundry in one week?? I am a total idiot!

On top of all of my laundry mishaps, I am a complete failure in the kitchen. I can't remember the last time I cooked a real meal. My aspirations to make dinner more often now that I am a stay-at-home mom seem to have evaporated in the past few months. Not sure why--I just have no motivation to choose recipes (this step overwhelms me for some reason), then get to the grocery store (so much harder with a baby), and then slave away in our tiny and perpetually messy kitchen (yes, keeping the kitchen clean should be my responsibility too!).

And I ruined a pan of brownies today. Like, a boxed brownie mix. After living in Buffalo for four years, I am out of the habit of using the "high altitude" directions on the box, and our brownies came out hard as a rock.

I know, I'm awesome. Go ahead and call me Martha Stewart.

Sheesh.

Our Noah Atticus is 6 Months Old!

2012-02-02T21:41:00.000-08:00

"What??? How did this happen?"

My boy is six months old. It's so hard to believe. Some of the days were long (eh hem, colic), but the months have flown by. He is getting so big and way too cute for his own good. Sometimes I can't help but gnaw on him and squeeze him.

Last night, every time he looked at me, he would laugh aloud in delight. Ryan was holding him, but Noah was looking at me across the room with stars in his eyes. I don't get it! I am the one who lets him cry himself to sleep for naps (he won't settle down any other way--believe me, I've tried everything), and he still adores me. It is the most endearing thing in the world.

A little bit about our boy:

-He's chunking up quite nicely. He's always been in the 50th percentile for weight, but we went for his 6-month check up today, and he has jumped to the 68th percentile (18 lbs 7 oz). That's my boy! He's 54th percentile in height (26.5 inches).

-His nicknames are "Noah Bug," "Noah Nugget," and plain old "Baby Noah."

-He is active, busy, and curious. He always has been. The very first time I held Noah, when he was minutes old, he raised his head up from against my chest, held it there for a few moments, and stared straight into my eyes. I'm not kidding. He's been really strong and alert from the first day. He's never really liked to snuggle because he is too busy arching his back and craning his neck to check out his surroundings. He loves to be out in busy places, like restaurants and the mall. When we're at home, he gets bored easily and insists on a new toy or a new environment every five to ten minutes. He'll play contently on a blanket for five minutes and then start squawking until I move him to his swing, where he'll rest for a few minutes, and then start squawking again until I give him a rattle...etc. He is stubborn and very vocal--if his squawks don't get your attention, his screams will. He makes his opinions known! (Heaven help me when he's a teenager.) I recently put a magazine in front of him, and he enthusiastically tore it to shreads. I mean, he seriously went after this thing. After he was done, he looked around like, "What else can I destroy?" (What am I saying, heaven help me when he's a teenager?...heaven help me as soon as he starts to crawl!) I recently read a book called Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, and she calls babies with Noah's temperament "spirited." I call him "spunky," "a rascal," and a bit "high maintenance." But I love him just the way he is!

-Perhaps not surprisingly, he does not like to nap. I've read book after book about baby sleep schedules, but my baby just won't conform to any of it. Before I had a child, I was sure that I would be able to read a book and immediately solve all problems. Ha. Noah has humbled me in so many ways. When he naps, it's for about 45 minutes max. I am still hopeful that we will get him into some sort of a predictable napping schedule, but every time I think he is settling into something consistent, he changes. I am not opposed to letting him cry in order for him to learn how to sleep, but sometimes he cries through the entirety of nap time and doesn't sleep a wink, the stinker.

-After all of that activity throughout the day, he is exhausted and goes to bed by about 6:30 p.m. I've tried to keep him up later so he can get more time with Ryan, but he is absolutely done by 7:00. He still protests every single time we put him to bed, but after fussing for a few minutes, he realizes that we are just as stubborn as he is, and he goes to sleep. In the last few weeks he's started sleeping all the way until morning--a solid 12 hours or so. We had to do a little "sleep training" to get him to sleep through the night, but now it appears to be a habit. He does wake up and stir and fuss every once in a while, but for the most part, he's learned to settle himself down and go back to sleep on his own. It is heavenly, and I am grateful.

-Up until this week, he's been swaddled for naps and bedtime. He got addicted to the swaddle when he was a newborn and super fussy (it calmed him down somewhat), and he couldn't seem to let it go for all these months since. He's just so darn active that his arms would be pumping wildly when he was supposed to be falling asleep, or he would whack himself in the face as soon as he was drowsy. My aunt who is a pediatric physical therapist said it is normal for babies with his temperament to need a swaddle for a long time--even until they are nine months old--but that we should stop swaddling him if we ever found him sleeping on his stomach. Well, that started happening this week, so goodbye swaddle. The last couple of days, I've been finding him in all sorts of positions in his crib--it's kind of fun to sneak a peak at night because you never know how you are going to find him. Unfortunately, he doesn't sleep well without his swaddle (he wakes up much more frequently), but he's just going to have to get used to it.

-He stopped using a pacifier this month. I don't know if it's because I refused to replace it 500 times a night when it fell out of his mouth or what. I am a little sad that we won't have the "plug" to quiet him down on road trips and in public places, but he has found other things to suck on--namely his fingers and his feet. :)

Delicious!

-He loves food and is quite aggressive about it. It is hysterical. He dives for his bottle when we are lowering it toward his mouth. It is one of my favorite things to tease him a little bit: I'll hold the bottle a few inches from his lips, and he opens wide and purses and tries with all his might to get to it. I know it's mean, but he looks so cute when he does it that I can't resist. He also lunges for the spoon when I am feeding him solids, and he screams between bites and pounds his little fist on the tray as if he's starving. He is not picky and has tried lots of foods: carrots, peas, beans, avocados, pumpkin, oatmeal, sweet potato, squash, banana, peaches, and apple sauce, to name a few. So far, he seems to like sweet potatoes the most and avocados the least.

-Favorite things: 1. He loves being outside. Since I am training for a half marathon, we spend a lot of time outdoors running and walking, and he almost never cries when he's in the stroller. He seems calm and reflective. 2. He loves his daily bath and often splashes like a maniac. 3. He loves his parents. He sometimes cries when I leave the room where he is playing (this is both annoying and darling), and he grins and pants in excitement when Dad comes home from work. He has us wrapped around his fat little finger.

-No teeth yet. At his four month appointment, the doctor said two were coming in--she even showed me where, and I swore I saw it too (I am easily persuaded by health professionals...I believe anything they tell me)--but so far, no pearly whites for Dr. Nielson's son.

-Not crawling yet. He still hates being on his stomach, and I haven't pushed it as much as I maybe should. The doctor said he is definitely strong enough to crawl, but he just hasn't figured out the motion yet. I'm not in any hurry for him to reach this milestone, as I know it will make life much more complicated for me! :)

-He still spits up a ridiculous amount. It is really starting to gross me out. I am convinced that he plots "sneak attacks" and purposely slimes me. Seriously, I can have a bath towel spread across my shoulder and chest, and just at the precise moment when he is going to spew, he'll whip his head around to the uncovered shoulder and regurgitate all over it. Sometimes he'll actually spit up on the burp cloth, but then he grabs a fist full of my hair and rubs it right in the mess, just for good measure. (Thanks, Son!) And of course, the spewing isn't limited to immediately after meals when I am on the defensive. Oh no. An hour later, he slimes my freshly washed jeans or creates a nice puddle on the living room carpet. I really wanted to get a photo of him spitting up to post on this blog, but so far it hasn't happened yet. I'm always too busy reaching for a burp cloth (or two or five) to reach for my camera.

-Noah is a charmer. Two things will almost always bring a big grin to his face: 1. When he makes eye contact with someone new, and 2. when he sees that Mom has a camera pointed at him. I love this about him. When we are out in public and strangers stop to admire him, he gives them lots of gummy grins. The most common comments I hear about Noah are, "What beautiful blue eyes he has!" and "What a happy baby!" (this was true even when he was colicky and screamed all day for me). He is friendly and very interested in the world around him. Taking photos of him is so fun because all I have to do is pull out the camera, and he starts smiling from ear to ear. I am starting to accrue so many cute photos of him that I don't know what to do with them all--I feel like they should all be framed!

Speaking of which, here are a few from our "six-month photo shoot" today with Aunt Sarah! I love my little Cupid.

A messy smooch from Mom

I couldn't resist...I had to give him another.

He's happy about it.

All in all, I am obsessed with this child. And, really, can you blame me???

Happy Six Months, Noah Bug!!

I Used to Be a Blogger

2012-01-28T23:58:00.000-08:00

It is after midnight, and here I am blogging. Ryan and I just finished the last episode of season two of Downton Abbey (you can find them online), and that show leaves me feeling both happy and angsty at the same time. I am a sucker for "period" dramas. Anyway, Ryan went to bed like a sensible chap (imagine the British accent), but I have the sudden urge to blog--which doesn't happen too much anymore so I am taking advantage of my burst of motivation.

I used to really enjoy blogging. I used to do it on a fairly regular basis. But I've recently realized that I no longer have thoughts. Is that normal? All I think about all day is laundry and baby sleep schedules, neither of which seems like an exciting topic for a blog post. When I do actually have deep thoughts, I am too tired to make sense of them and write them down.

And now I can't think of anything more to say.

When I started this post, I thought that I was in the mood to write...but now I am feeling exceptionally tired, so I think I will go to bed.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow!

Christmas is...

2012-01-19T23:29:00.000-08:00

...lazy mornings watching The Grinch.

Cute cousins

...delicious feasts surrounded by family.

If you look closely, you will notice that Laura and I raided my mom's closet and wore her ugly Christmas sweaters for the occasion. Sadly, my mom didn't realize these sweaters were ugly. :)

Logan, our resident gourmet chef, made and decorated this Yule Log cake.
He even made the meringue mushrooms! Amazing!

Sarah decorated the table. Beautiful!

...a festive outfit for Christmas Eve.

Sarah made these shirts for the boys.

He's so smoochable!

Little bit of spit up...but what's new?

We definitely needed this festive bib!

...a dapper outfit for Sunday morning church services.

Buddies

Our little Mr. Rogers

"Dad's wearing an awesome tie! Hooray!"

...lots of snuggle time with Grammy and Grampy after church.

"I like this little short lady. She's basically my size!"

Unwrapping presents mayhem in the background

82 years old...
5 months old.

...an impromptu photo shoot with Aunt Sarah as she tried out her new macrolens for her camera.

I love this face.

Wittle nose and chin

I see you!

What big eyes you have!

...a new hat from Bapa!

"Thanks, Bapa!"

"Hooo's cute??"

"I'm so funny."

...a new toy!

Fun for jumping...

and for eating!

...a ginormous dog the size of our apartment from the Great Grandparents.

We named him Beast. (The dog, not the baby)

...Baby's First Christmas ornaments from the grandparents on both sides.

From Bapa
(this photo was obviously taken with Sarah's camera)

From Grandma Nielson

...a long day of taking down Christmas decorations.

Noah and Ryan really helped a lot!

...followed by a relaxing night of watching football with Bapa.

So entranced.

...finally, an anniversary date for Mom and Dad.

Kissing Noah goodbye

Callum promised to be a good babysitter.

All in all, we had a wonderful time with my family, and, though he had no idea what was going on, Noah loved his first Christmas. We are blessed!

Love These Two

2012-01-07T19:08:00.000-08:00

Caught them playing together and had to sneak a quick video. It's probably boring to everyone else, but I think it's pretty darling! (P.S. Don't worry--our carpet is soft!)

What Noah Has Been Up To...

2011-12-29T22:05:00.000-08:00

In addition to getting his hair cut off :( :( :(, Noah has been keeping busy this month:

1. Trying rice cereal.

At first, the excitement of eating something solid tricked him into thinking he liked rice cereal (hence the look of glee), but then he realized that it is incredibly bland and boring (hence the look of disgust). He's never willing to eat more than a bite or two. We are going to try some other foods soon. Any suggestions?

2. Sitting up on his own.

This is his newest trick. I think it is so cute to see him sitting on his own, wobbling a little and bending forward to maintain balance. He especially loves sitting in front of a mirror and admiring himself. :)

3. Preparing for his first Christmas

Noah loved staring at the little Christmas tree in our apartment in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

4. Going for runs with his mom.

For some insane reason, I signed up to run a half marathon in March. I am in the worst shape of my life, but I am doing my best to get ready for the race, and I figure I can walk a lot of it if I need to. Every day, I bundle Noah up (see the socks on his hands?), and we go for a jog. During the first training run that we took together, I couldn't figure out why Noah was smiling and laughing so much. I eventually realized that he thought it was funny that I was panting and gasping for air. He thought I was playing with him. I kept saying to him, "Mommy's gonna die, Noah. Mommy's gonna die." He just laughed.

I must admit, seeing his cute little smiling face does make the runs much more enjoyable. It's fun to get some fresh air together every day.

5. Hanging out with his favorite cousin, Callum

We've been staying at my dad's house this week (all of the family is in town, and we don't want to miss out on the action!), and Noah has loved hanging out with Callum. They are so cute together.

6. Smiling and laughing and being an angel for his mother

I haven't admitted on this blog just how difficult Noah was for the first 4.5 months of his life. I have mentioned his fussiness a few times, but I tried not to dwell on it because I didn't want anyone to think I wasn't grateful for him. But he was HARD. So hard. He had colic and cried and fussed all day long. I was exhausted and discouraged, and there were several times that I held my bawling baby and just bawled myself. I wondered how people possibly have more than one child. My friends kept telling me that the colic would end any day, but it was hard to believe in the midst of it. Thank goodness my family was nearby to help me and to give me breaks, and many thanks to the friends who called and checked on me and offered so much good advice about how to soothe him.

I am grateful to report that about two weeks ago, my baby woke up happy...and he hasn't looked back. For the most part, he has become a very content baby, and it is heaven. HEAVEN. He was worth every second of the crying. I want to squeeze his happy little face every day.

Life is good. Ryan and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary last night, and as we talked about the year that has passed, we couldn't believe how much has changed in our little family. I think 2012 is going to seem like a very dull year compared to 2011! We are grateful and happy.

I didn't want to do it, but it had to be done.

2011-12-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

Remember this full head of hair?

Well over the past several months, the hair gradually thinned...

and thinned...

and basically disappeared:

A truly frightening aerial view

SAD.

All that remained was a long patch of hair in the very front. In the back and on the sides, Noah was completely bald. My sisters and a few others told me that we needed to shave his head. I didn't want to do it. I told them no no no. But when people started saying that his hair looked like "Phantom of the Opera when he takes off his mask" (remember the frightening random tufts?), and "a 55 year old man with a combover" (wonderful), and "Rihanna" (with hair only on one side), I relented. It was time.

Monday night, with tears in my eyes, I watched as my sisters cut off the remaining patch of Noah's cute hair:

Mother is sad.

Noah is concerned.

Lieutenant Uncle Sam (who is about to deploy to Afghanistan for seven months) approved of Noah's new crew cut:

I will admit, it took me a while to get used to it. But now, I think he is as cute as can be:

And he sure looks darling in a hat!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

FROM, BALDY

Cole and Sara's Wedding (also known as Noah's second wedding)

2011-12-23T09:22:00.000-08:00

I am insanely behind on blogging. It's a little overwhelming. I have a long list of posts that I want to write, and I don't really know where to begin, but I decided I definitely need to blog about Thanksgiving before Christmas arrives!

In November, Noah and I spent another ten days in Utah and Idaho with Ryan's family. What are the chances that two of Ryan's brothers would get married in the first four months of Noah's life? It has been a year of family celebrations, that's for sure! Ryan's younger brother Cole got married the weekend before Thanksgiving, so we just stuck around for the following week and the holiday weekend. So fun.

The happy couple at their rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding. Love these two.

Congrats, Sara and Cole!

Noah was the youngest (and cutest) guest at the fancy occasion. He made quite a splash in his sweater vest. I think he looks like a little old man in these pics...either that or Radcliff, the villain from Pocahontas (tiny head, huge body). Oh I just want to squeeze him.

And check out his shoes. Seriously?? Thanks to Drew's mom who gave Noah the entire outfit.

Noah with his girlfriend, Aunt Ashley

Ryan had to work on the day of the rehearsal dinner, so we didn't think he was going to make it to Salt Lake in time. He got done with work a little early and went straight to the airport to see if they had any seats available on an earlier flight. He got the last standby seat and made it to the dinner just in time to hear the toasts and to share in the memories of Cole and Sara. Though underdressed, he was so happy to be there.

The Brothers + Noah

The next day, we attended Cole and Sara's beautiful wedding ceremony in the Salt Lake City temple. Here they are coming out, a married couple, to greet their waiting guests. :)

These next photos were taken a few weeks previously when the weather was better (which was a really smart idea because it was freezing on the day of their wedding!). Are they a good looking couple, or what?

They had a lovely reception that evening. I'm sorry I don't have more photos from the entire day...I find that my photos center around one person lately. I'll let you guess whom.

The Groom

The Grandma

The Flowers

"Those smell good!"

The Siblings

The Mother of the Groom dance

Guess who came to the reception? We got to see Katie several times while we were in Utah, and we also got to see Drew for an afternoon when he was home for his college break.

The day after the reception, Gordon (Ryan's dad) treated the family to a decadent brunch at The Grand America hotel. Even the newlyweds couldn't resist this opportunity to pig out, so they showed up for a few minutes to eat and chat with the fam before heading off for their honeymoon.

Noah's sweater vest made an encore appearance..

I can't take the cuteness.

I love the matching cowlicks in this photo.

Noah loves Grandma.

...but then he had a blowout, so his vest became a "wife beater" tank. :)

So happy with Uncle T!

I just have to include this next photo because it's so classic. Gordon loves "slap stick" humor and laughs to the point of tears at The Three Stooges and other such ridiculousness. This is what happened when Ashley showed Gordon a YouTube clip during breakfast:

He was laughing so hard that the rest of us gathered around to see what was so funny. The clip wasn't that funny--but Gordon's laugh sure was!

After the festivities in Utah, we headed to Idaho for a week of family fun. I can't believe I don't have any photos of the Thanksgiving feast, but let me assure you that it was delicious. Sally is an amazing cook, and she goes all out on holidays.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, Sally hosted an open house in Idaho for Sara and Cole, and I finally got a photo of Noah with the bride and groom!

Ashley made all of Noah's little ties. This is one of my favorites:

It was a great couple of weeks!! We are so happy for Sara and Cole, and we were so grateful to spend Thanksgiving week with our wonderful family.

Family Pics!

2011-12-09T11:30:00.000-08:00

As I've already mentioned, when Noah was a week old, my good friend Molly Hunter took some awesome photos of me and him together. I love them. They are perfect. My only regret is that Ryan couldn't be there for the photo shoot because he was already back in Colorado working. (Being a grown-up stinks.) I would've loved some sweet photos of father and son, as well as some family shots.

Well, as luck would have it, I recently won a free session with Courtney O'Dell, a local photographer, when I entered the give-away on her blog. I couldn't believe it!

I told her that my #1 priority was getting an awesome father and son photo, and guess what...she did it! I know I've already posted this pic once, but I am going to post it again because it is just that adorable:

Courtney also managed to get some great family shots, which is not an easy task with a three-month old and a husband who often blinks at just the wrong moment. (I of course always look perfect, right?) Which is your fave? I really would love input.

Too bad Noah's not looking at the camera in this one. :(

And just a few more of my cuties--I can't resist:

Ryan has always been a nuzzler.

Courtney was so easy to work with, and we love how the pictures turned out. If you are in the Denver area and need a good photographer, I definitely recommend her!

Kids Make Me Laugh

2011-12-08T15:24:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I bought some wrapping paper from a neighborhood girl for her school fundraiser. After I wrote the check, I completely forgot about it. But just now, there was a knock on the door, and I opened it to this same little girl who had come to deliver my gift wrap. She was wearing the most ginormous neon orange sunglasses I have ever seen. Seriously, these things were as big as her face. I couldn't help but grin, considering it is dusk right now (not at all sunny), and it is 20 degrees outside.

"Did you make lots of money for your fundraiser?" I asked.

"Yup!" She nodded enthusiastically, and her sunglasses bounced up and down on her nose.

"Did you get lots of cool prizes?"

"Uh huh. These sunglasses are one of them!" she said proudly.

"Really? I wouldn't have guessed that!" I said very seriously.

As she walked away, I thought about calling her back to take her picture, but I thought that might be a little creepy.

I love little kids. They are too funny.

Last One, I Promise!

2011-12-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

It’s no longer National Adoption month, and here I am still writing about adoption! I promise this is the last of the adoption posts (for now). I have really appreciated your blog comments and emailed questions.

A question that I often get asked is if Ryan and I will adopt again. Yes, I have no doubt that we will! Sometimes people ask me if we will ever have our “own” kids. This is an interesting question because, although I know what they mean, Noah is our own kid. If we ever have biological children, we will never differentiate between Noah and the biological ones. They will all be “our own.” And even if we do have biological children, I know we will adopt again, perhaps internationally or through the foster care system. For now, I am focusing on my one little baby, and we will see how life unfolds from here.

That said, I did want to mention that we will never stop looking for opportunities to adopt. Even if our adoption profile isn’t currently active with an adoption agency, we would appreciate knowing about birthmoms, and we would appreciate if birthmoms were referred to our blog. If the birthmom is early in her pregnancy, and we all feel good about it, we would have time to get approved to adopt again before the baby was born. Furthermore, whether or not the birthmom was considering us to adopt the baby, we would love to be a resource for her, and we would LOVE to refer her to some of our wonderful amazing friends who are hoping to adopt. Every day, I wish that I could help my friends who are still waiting find their babies. (Don’t we all feel that way?) So if you know of any young women who are considering adoption, send them our way!

Okay, back to the questions.

I mentioned before that one of my friends emailed to ask me how she should support a friend who is about to place her baby for adoption. Obviously, I don’t have all of the answers, but I thought I’d share a few of my thoughts on how to best support the people in your life who are involved in adoption.

How to support a birthmom...

Tell her that you love her. Tell her that she is strong. Tell her that you admire her. You don’t need to tell her that she is “making the right decision” unless she asks you for reassurance. It can feel like a judgment on her ability to be a mother if you are too quick to tell her that adoption is the best thing. I was with Katie when a worker in the hospital started preaching to her about how she was “making the right choice,” and it really rubbed me the wrong way. Katie knew she was making the right choice, and she didn’t need other people (especially strangers) to preach to her. This same worker said to her, “One day you’ll have another baby.” Wow. As if that would make her grief over this baby any less real. What she said is true, but the timing wasn't particularly sensitive.

Show her that you care. Send a card, bring flowers, drop by with a dessert. Don’t pretend like the baby never happened. Ask her about the baby, about her delivery, and about her days in the hospital. Ask her about the adoption, and ask her how she is doing. Ask her if she’d like to show you pictures of the baby. Ooh and goo over him and tell her how beautiful he is. Chances are, she will be eager to show him off, as any new mom would be.

I am a pretty straightforward person, and when Drew and Katie came to visit us a few days after Noah’s placement, I asked them, “How are you feeling?” “Did you cry today?” “How are your friends and family acting?” “How can I help?” I wasn’t sure if I should ask these questions, but I couldn’t hold them in. I genuinely wanted to know how they were doing because I care about them, and they didn’t seem put off by my inquiries--they seemed relieved to talk.

Tell her that you are praying for her and that you love her. Let her know that she isn’t alone.

How to support a couple who is hoping to adopt...

As I write this, I realize that many of the ways that you can support an adoptive couple are similar to the ways that you can support a birthmom. Tell them that you love them. Tell them that they are strong and that you admire them. You don’t need to tell them that “it’s all in the Lord’s hands” or “it will happen when it’s supposed to.” They already know that. A year ago, I was at a church activity, and one of the ladies asked me how the adoption process was going. I said, “We are approved and just waiting to get picked by a birthmom.” She said, “It will happen when it’s supposed to. You just need to learn to be patient.” Ouch. What a sting to the heart. Fortunately, one of my best friends, Laney, overheard this comment, put her arm around me, and said, “Rachel has been patient. I think her patience is really amazing, actually.” I can’t tell you how much her support meant to me in that moment.

When a couple who desperately wants children is hurting, don’t try to fix it. Don’t give a little sermon on God’s timing. Just say, “I’m so sorry,” “I love you,” “You are going to be awesome parents,” or “I pray for you every night.” In some of my darkest moments, knowing that dozens of people around the country were praying for us truly sustained me. I remember saying to Ryan, “Even if God isn’t hearing my prayers, I know He’s hearing my grandma’s!” (That woman is a saint.)

Show them that you care. Send a card, bring flowers, drop by with dessert. Don’t pretend that their trial isn’t happening. In a private setting, when the moment is right, ask them if they are comfortable talking about their struggle. I think, in general, women need to talk.

When I first announced that we had started the adoption process, a friend brought over the storybook Guess How Much I Love You and another friend sent a baby blanket. This was their way of saying, “You will eventually be chosen by a birthmother, and you will eventually be a mother!” I really appreciated their thoughtfulness. I should mention that I think this type of gesture is more appropriate for someone who has announced their intention to adopt (and is therefore "pregnant" in a way) than for someone who is struggling with infertility and is not yet pregnant or has not yet seriously considered adoption.

Finally, when an adoptive couple tells you that they’ve been contacted by a birthmom, don’t immediately point out all of the uncertainty. Don’t say things like, “You know, this could still fall through.” Believe me, they know that. They are scared stiff about that, and they don’t need you to remind them. I know people just said stuff like this to me because they were feeling protective and didn’t want me to get my heart broken, but I truly appreciated it when people would just say, “Oh that is so exciting! I will be praying for you and this birthmom!” I equate this to how you would react to the news of a friend’s early pregnancy: Everyone knows that the likelihood of miscarriage is highest in the first trimester, but if a friend told you that she was four weeks pregnant, you would not say, “Well, you know, you could still lose this baby.”

When Katie first contacted us, I expressed to a friend in an email that I was hesitant to invest my heart again. She responded and said, “I understand your reservations, but we can’t wait to rejoice until this is a sure thing . . . we have to rejoice now for this tremendous blessing! If someone prays and prays to get pregnant and then only worries about miscarriage instead of rejoicing about the pregnancy, she is missing out on the joy of the experience. Same with the birth of a child. A person can rejoice that there is new life, or worry that the baby will get sick or won't develop properly or on and on . . . Obviously this principle applies to many aspects of our lives, not just in 'new life'. There is a place to be reserved, protective, guarded, worried and wary - but don't let that get in the way of taking a moment to rejoice first.”

I loved that. (How do I have such wise friends??)

Finally, if an adoption falls through for a couple, do not say, “Well, another opportunity will come along,” as if this baby didn’t matter at all. This is especially important if the adoption was in the later stages. We have some friends whose birthmom recently changed her mind just a week before the due date, after they’d gone through the entire pregnancy with her; and we have other friends who have actually held the baby and even taken him/her home when the birthmom changed her mind. The grief is unimaginable. It’s like having a miscarriage at 39 weeks or losing a baby who is a few hours or weeks old. All any of us needs in situations as heartbreaking as those is lots of love, hugs, cards, and prayers.

I am grateful for all of the many many people who showed us amazing support during our wait to adopt. This post feels like I’m preaching to the choir because those of you who are reading it are the very people who offered me so much love during some of the hardest months of my life. Thank you, each of you, for what you have done to reach out to us. It has meant more to me than you will ever know.

Happy Four Months!

2011-12-01T23:26:00.000-08:00

Sweet Baby Noah,

You are four months old today! You are getting so big. Your eyes are wider, your hair is longer, and your scream is louder. You are growing up.

I took you to the doctor today for your four-month check up, and she discovered that you are teething. When she shined the flashlight into your mouth, we could see two tiny bottom front teeth about to break through the gums. No wonder you've been so cranky this week--I was quite relieved to find out that there is a reason (and it's not that you hate your mother) AND that there is a solution (Baby Tylenol) for your grumpiness. She also said to continue with the reflux medicine for a couple more months.

We spent last week in Idaho with family for Thanksgiving, and you were one happy little baby. Everyone was there--Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Ashley and Uncle Nate, Aunt Alli and Uncle Derek, Aunt Sara and Uncle Cole, and Uncle Tanner--and everyone held you and talked to you and danced with you. I don't think you made a single whimper the entire week without someone scooping you up to soothe you. You are seriously loved, child.

It's always difficult for adults to get back to reality after vacation, and I guess the same is true for babies. I think it's been a bit of a shock for you to be back to reality. Mom can't hold you 24/7. She isn't strong enough, and she has to occasionally do things like clean the house and make dinner. Sorry, Kiddo.

It is really hard for me when you cry and fuss, and you still do that much of the day. It makes me feel helpless, isolated, and unsuccessful. I will admit that the transition to being a stay-at-home mom has been difficult for me. There is no where else I'd rather be, but it is hard nonetheless. I think it is pretty common for women to feel this way, but I feel an added sense of guilt because I wanted you for so long and I want to be the perfect mother to you. I was telling your dad tonight, "The only reward that mothers get is to see that their children are happy." So when you're unhappy, I just feel rotten.

Cheer up soon, okay?

Christmas is coming, and snow was falling today. It was so pretty, and I tried to show you out the apartment window. You were staring so intently that I thought you were enjoying the wintery scene as much as I was...but then I noticed that you were merely staring at the string dangling from the blinds. Go figure.

You started kind of playing with toys this month. You love watching the mobile above your crib and batting at the toys hanging from your play gym. You curl your legs up to your stomach and put your hands in your mouth as you watch the toys swaying above you. It's too cute.

You've only rolled over once, that I've seen. You don't like "tummy time" at all, so you rolled from your tummy to your back in order to escape. I thought you'd be an early crawler because you are so strong, but if you refuse to be on your stomach, you might skip crawling all together and go straight to walking in several months. Walking...now that's a crazy thought.

The doctor said we should start you on solid foods now, so we'll try some rice cereal next week. I hope you're not too excited...because that stuff is seriously bland. But then again, anything tastes better than formula. I recently tried a little sip, and I now understand why you spit up so often. I would throw that stuff up too. Sooooo nasty.

Speaking of spit up, you are a geyser. Today while we were waiting in the examination room for the doctor, you spit up down my shirt (creating a sticky pool in a most uncomfortable place) and then you spit up in my lap (creating a large wet spot in a very unfortunate place). Seriously, the doctor probably thought that Mommy needed a diaper. Awkward! But despite your constant spewing, you are gaining weight and growing just fine. You weigh 14 lbs 14 oz (50th percentile), and you are 25.5 inches long (74th percentile). Unlike your cousin Callum and your Aunt Sarah, you have a tiny head (26th percentile), which explains why none of your little baseball hats really fit you yet. Oh well...we wouldn't want to cover up your cute hair anyway.

You did look super darling in this little beanie today though:

Love this little reindeer outfit for December 1st!
Love that little smile.

Happy Four Month Birthday, Noah.

We love you so much.

Mom

Katie's Story--Part 5 (The Final Chapter)

2011-12-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

Chapter 7 – Today

Noah is four months old today. I am finishing up some high school classes online, working almost full-time as a CNA at a nursing home, and then hopefully attending college in the spring. I am in such a better place than I had ever hoped to be. Throughout everything, my testimony and faith in God has grown so much (which is exactly what my mother was hoping for).  I know that adoption isn’t for everyone, but I think in a lot of situations like mine, with young girls such as myself, it is perfect.

It’s good. This place where I am.

Noah has come to visit me and Drew about once a month. He is getting so big, it’s hard to believe he used to be that seven pound little squirmy dude. I love him so much. I love Ryan and Rachel. They mean so much to me. And besides the fact that we are related, they are part of my family.

I miss Noah, I miss him a lot. But I know that he is in the right place. God knows he is in the right place. I’m happy. I’m happy that Noah gets to have this life I could never have provided him. He has my heart and that’s enough for me. I can only hope one day that will be enough for him too. I hope one day when he starts asking about me and Drew that he understands the sorrow and loss I have felt giving him away. I never wanted to; it was just what was right. And often times, doing the right thing is excruciatingly painful. I hope that Noah will understand, I did the best for him.

Being a mother is about more than changing diapers and holding your children when they get hurt. It is about doing what is necessary to give your child the best. Always the best. People might think that adoption is the easy way out, for birth moms and adoptive parents. But it is not easy. Some people might think that I just wasn’t ready to handle a child. But I am a mother too. Just in this case, I wasn’t the best thing for my sweet little perfect boy. I had to give him the best. For Noah, and for me and Drew, Rachel and Ryan are the best. I would never take back, not in a million years, the experiences I have had.

For once in my life, I feel like I’ve done the right thing.

If the only thing I could give my son was a better life, then that is enough. I love you so much, Noah. And I love you more every time I see your bright little face.

I love you, and I’m finally happy with myself.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Katie's Story--Part 4

2011-11-30T06:27:00.000-08:00

Chapter 6 – And They All Lived Happily Ever After?

It was terrible. That first month was hell. I have never been in a place so dreadful. All I could think was that I had made a terrible mistake. My life was over. What did I have to go on for now? My best friend Drew was at college, my plan to get high school credit at a local college had fallen through, and I had been fired from my job when they found out about the baby. What was I supposed to do now?

I had nothing. Nothing to get my mind off the pain. I walked through life doing nothing. All I could think about was how much I missed my best friend and my baby. No, not my baby. Their baby.

I was angry. I hated Rachel. How fair was it for her to take care of MY hard work. I had been good for nine months. Given my body away for something I couldn’t even keep. I was a mess. I didn’t want to do anything but lay in bed and pretend it hadn’t happened.

I was numb.

The girls at my support group said it would pass – that this hatred and sadness didn’t last forever. I didn’t believe them. It was so hard. I stayed that way for about four weeks. Nothing could console me. One day I would be fine and the next minute I was circling the drain.

Then, on Noah’s one month birthday, something happened. I got on my computer in the middle of the night, and I wrote Rachel and Ryan this email:

Dear Ryan and Rachel,

This has been the best and worst month of my entire life. It seems so crazy that an entire four weeks has already gone by. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to tell you both exactly how I'm feeling right now, but I'll try my best; hopefully it won't sound too scatter brained.

Right now it is 1:31 AM on September 1st. I wasn't sure exactly how I should prepare myself mentally for this day, because I didn't want to be caught off guard by my emotions. This was something I didn't really do before Noah was born, because it was too hard to think about how I would be feeling those first couple days. And honestly, how could I have prepared myself for all the things I've felt since Noah has been alive? There's just no way to know what to expect.

I hoped today would go all right, and even though the day hasn't completely started yet (since it has only been the 1st for an hour), I think it will turn out to be a good one.

I guess I should start this story at the beginning before I get ahead of myself.

The day Noah was born, I cannot express the happiness that he brought to my life. I have never felt the way I did holding him for the first time and seeing his beautiful little face looking up at mine. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, and you also know how hard it is to explain that kind of feeling - whatever it was, it was wonderful! Never in those first moments that Noah entered the world did I think about what was coming in the next few days. I could feel nothing but utter joy that this amazing baby boy had finally been born. It was incredible to see how many people were there to see such a tiny thing, and how much love filled that room during his first hour of life.

This feeling continued on into the next day. When everyone was coming to see him, I couldn't feel anything but happy. There wasn't time to be sad, which I'm grateful for because I would have hated the time I spent with him if I had been sad the entire time.

Then on Tuesday night, after the last of everyone had gone home, it finally hit me. Hard. My little baby, my sweet little baby, was going to be gone. For the first time since his existence, I wasn't going to be there right by his side, right there whenever he might need me, right there to take care of him. That was the worst moment of my entire life. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and couldn't stop. How was I supposed to let go of this tiny miracle? Never before had I really questioned whether what I was doing was right, but in that moment, nothing seemed more wrong then to place Noah with another family (even one as great as yours). These were things I would never have said out loud at the time though, because I was afraid that by saying them, it would make it impossible to give him to you, which I knew in my heart was where he belonged - no matter how much I wanted things to be different.

That's part of the reason I decided signing the adoption papers should happen before I had gotten to spend tons and tons of time with Noah. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it if I had been with him too much. Signing was easy; actually walking to your room and placing him in Rachel's arms was the hardest. That night is one I never want to relive again.

Going home from the hospital was strange. I felt numb. I wasn't exactly sad anymore, or maybe I was and had just finally run out of tears... I'm not sure, but whatever it was, I was okay with it. Feeling numb was way better than feeling the way I had earlier. But then, laying in bed while I looked at pictures and videos of Noah, I couldn't stop myself from letting those feelings creep back inside. The only thing that really eased the pain was knowing he was still in Utah for a little while longer, and that I would be able to see him again within the next couple days. If you guys had just left that night, I don't think I would have been able to pull myself together.

The following week I was still feeling okay. It hadn't been long enough for me to really miss him, because it had only been a few days since I had seen him. It wasn't until about two weeks ago that those same feelings started forcing their way back into my head, which is a place I don't like. Actually, I hate it. I hate feeling like there is no hope, and that I had done the wrong thing because in those moments of weakness it is so easy for me to blame everyone except myself for losing him. I hate even going there, and when it's all over (usually the morning after) I know exactly why he is being raised by you two and I know I've made the right decision again. That dark place is a place I try to avoid at all costs if I can. Unfortunately, it's not always so easy to stay away from there.

Lately, especially a lot this past week, I have been thinking about Noah. It seems like everywhere I go, there are things reminding me of him. It also doesn't help that now Drew is gone, so whenever I feel a little down, I can't look forward to seeing him. He always has a way of making me feel better without having to say anything. It's nice to have someone to talk to who can understand how I feel when that dark feeling is taking over.

I was really scared about what I might be feeling today, with both of them not here. But, what I didn't expect was feeling calm, which is exactly how I feel. Today, I know what Drew and I decided was entirely correct for our little baby Noah. It doesn't even really seem like it happened to the same me. Almost like it happened in a different lifetime. I feel at peace with everything.

I was texting Drew earlier tonight, and I'm sure he expected me to be a mess after the bad couple weeks I've had. I bet it was a relief for him to find out I actually feel good about everything. I couldn't be more thrilled that Noah is being raised by a mom and a dad who love him so very much and who can give him all the things I never could have given him. I wanted Noah to have a mommy and daddy who were not only married but were sealed in the temple and would be teaching him about God and the gospel in his life. I hope one day I can attend Noah’s marriage in the temple. I was raised by those same standards, and even though I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, I'm so glad that I was baptized and that my faith offers me so much to look forward to. That was something I wanted to make sure my son would also have growing up: A healthy family relationship and a love for God.

Without my faith in God, I don't know if I would have been able to accept adoption. It has been such a comfort to me to think that whenever I'm sad, I can just say a prayer and think that He knows exactly what I'm going through and that everything will turn out in the end. It helps so much to think that this is just a challenge He knew I could overcome.

Sorry about getting all churchy. It's probably the most I've talked about the church and how I feel in a long time.

I just want you both to know that I am so happy with my decision to place Noah with you, in such a loving family. And even though at times I might get sad and hateful, I don't really mean it. It's just my way of dealing with this whole thing sometimes. I'm so glad that you are allowing me to be a part of his life. I really cannot thank you enough. I don't know what I would do if this had been a closed adoption.

I love you both so much and there are no two better people on the planet I could think about letting take care of my son.

After Drew and I signed the adoption papers, my dad gave me a Willow Tree statue of an angel girl holding a butterfly up towards the sky so it could fly away. He told me that this was supposed to represent that even though what I was doing was hard, it was the best thing in the end. And even though letting go of Noah and letting him live with a different family would be hard, it would be worth it and so much better for him.

Rachel and Ryan, you are both incredible and I couldn't have asked for a better plan then the one we were given. Everything almost seemed to perfect the way it worked out, which is part of why I know this was meant to be and that God knows this was the right thing for all of us.

Please remind Noah of the reasons Drew and I chose this for him. I can't stand the thought of him ever thinking it was because we didn't want him. We love him so much.

Everyone knows that if you love someone unconditionally and with your whole heart, then you will do what is best for them, not you. I have never learned a harder lesson than giving Noah up for adoption and I probably never will. I cannot wait to see all three of you in October, and I hope this email kind of explained a little more about how I was feeling (especially to you Rachel), because I never want you to feel like its your fault when I'm down in the dumps. Sometimes, being depressed is just something you have to be for a little while in order to experience true happiness.

Love Forever,

Katie

. . .

Katie's Story--Part 3

2011-11-29T07:08:00.000-08:00

Chapter 5 – It wasn’t Goodbye, more like See You Later.

I was in labor for twenty-six hours. Noah was born on August 1, 2011 at 1:51 AM. That day at the hospital was sort of a blur. I didn’t have an epidural, and I don’t really remember much of the day that Noah was in the process of greeting the world with his cuteness. But I guess if women remembered all that pain, we would all only have one baby.

When Noah was born it was like a wave of calm and happiness washed over me. I couldn’t stop smiling. He was so handsome. And Rachel and I had been worried he wouldn’t be cute--I can’t help but laugh at how silly that thought is now.

I spent those next couple of days in the hospital with Drew, who after seeing the miracle of birth finally realized how much he loved Noah too. Rachel and Ryan had a room down the hall, and Drew and I decided they should be with Noah at night. On the morning of August 2nd, we signed the papers relinquishing our rights as his official guardians. That was the easy part.

For those few days, so many people came to say hello to our own little superstar. We all couldn’t get enough of him. Really, no one could only stop by once. But on the night of August 2nd, Drew and I told everyone to leave and we spent the last hour we had Noah by ourselves. We held him together and cried with each other. He just laid there peacefully and slept. I have never been so happy and so devastated at the same time. I couldn’t help sobbing, and I never imagined it being that hard. When our hour was up, we asked for a little more time with our precious boy.

We packed all of his things with him in his little baby basket and walked him to Rachel and Ryan’s room. Drew put his arm around my shoulder as I wheeled his little cart. When we saw Rachel and Ryan, I couldn’t stop crying. This was it. This was the last chance for me to turn around and never look back, but I couldn’t do that. That whole day, Ryan and Rachel had looked so happy – they deserved a baby to love more than anyone I had ever met before. When I entered the room, Rachel smiled at me lovingly, and I just started to cry. I looked over at Drew and picked up tiny little Noah. I put my hand on his cheek and felt his soft skin in my palm. I took a deep breath and walked the two steps forward to Rachel and handed over their precious baby. The baby I knew they would give as much love, and more, as I would. For a couple minutes Rachel and I stood, embracing, with Noah in the middle of us. We didn’t need words. We just hugged and cried. Finally, I pulled away and gave him a kiss. Drew gave him one too.

That was as much as I could handle. I pulled Drew to my side, we said our good byes, and we left the room. We slowly trudged back to our hospital room. It seemed so empty. So dark. My eyes were flooding with tears and Drew grabbed me. We held each other for what seemed like forever. I was too scared to let go. It was done. It was done. It was done. He was gone. I couldn’t stop shaking and sobbing. I cried out in pain and Drew just held on tight. He was braver than me. Even though he was feeling the exact same way as me, he had to hold it together somewhat for both of us.

. . .

Katie's Story--Part 2

2011-11-28T06:37:00.000-08:00

Chapter 2 – Now what?

Drew’s mom hated me. She always had, and as far as I was concerned, she was not going to love me anytime soon. I had corrupted her son. How was I supposed to tell this woman that her first grandkid was going to live with another family? I had read about people trying to let their baby be adopted and the birth father’s mother wouldn’t let it happen.

What if that happened to me? I couldn’t take care of this baby.

I thought back to early December and the Christmas card my mom had gotten in the mail. The brown card with the photo of the girl in the wedding dress on the front. Hadn’t that card said something about a couple looking to adopt? Was it the newly married couple? I couldn’t really remember. Back then, I didn’t actually think I would need that card. Now, I didn’t even know where it was. Maybe it was already thrown out. Why would my mom think to keep that card?

That’s what I was thinking about as my twelfth week rolled around. You have to see your doctor before thirteen weeks and I hadn’t made an appointment. I hadn’t even told my parents yet. I just kept hoping that this problem might disappear somehow. Like it hadn’t really happened to me. How could I be having a baby? I was only 16. Drew wasn’t even an adult yet.

I walked upstairs to my mom and dad’s room late one night and sat down on the edge of their bed. My mom was watching TV and my dad was putting my siblings to bed. For weeks now I had been trying to tell my mom what was going on but it had just never seemed like the right time. And this is what I learned:

It’s never the right time to break your mom’s heart.

She was sad, but for the most part normal. I hadn’t expected that. I thought she would cry, but she didn’t. Not in front of me, anyway. I told my dad and it was about the same reaction. I was shocked. I told them about the brown holiday card. Those were the people I wanted to give this baby to. It had to be them.

People wonder how I just knew that Rachel and Ryan were the right couple for me when I couldn’t even remember their names. It wasn’t even their card-it was Ryan’s mom’s! But God works in mysterious ways, and you don’t fight what you feel in your heart.

The truth is, every couple out there trying to adopt is the right couple. They are all great people and are so ready to start their forever families. I knew that if I went searching further for the “right” family to take care of my little baby, they would all be right. Somehow, I just knew that Ryan and Rachel were who I wanted, so it wasn’t worth my time to try and compare them to someone else.

You can’t do better than perfection.

Chapter 3 – The Second Trimester

It was after school and I was around 16 weeks. I still hadn’t called Rachel, and I was so nervous. How do you call someone up and say, “I’m pregnant and I want you to have my little baby”?

Well, that is exactly what I did.

I’m sure Rachel’s heart practically stopped and I’m very glad she didn’t get into a car wreck (considering the fact that she was driving when she found out this life changing news). We talked for over an hour about me and my plans and who I was exactly. Then we hung up and I called Drew. I had told him I knew who this baby was going to, and he thought whatever I wanted would be the best thing. I just wanted him to know I had told our couple the good news. He didn’t answer so I left a voicemail.

Later that week, Drew and I had a meeting at LDS Family Services to talk more about the adoption. I drove to his house to pick him up and waited for him to come outside. I waited. And waited. And waited. After many angry and threatening texts Drew came outside. He had been crying. He had just told his mom for the first time. I felt like the most heartless person in the world for being so mean to him for not being on time.

After our meeting, we went back to Drew’s house where his whole extended family was waiting for us. And when I say the whole family, I mean the whole family. This was extremely awkward for me. Drew’s mom said she was sorry for hating me, and that it was different now. Not exactly how I wanted her to start loving me, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Since that day, Drew’s family has basically been my family. I love them as much as I do my own flesh and blood.

The rest of this part of the story goes something like this:

Drew turns into a jerk. He acts like a typical teenage father and almost disappears off the face of the earth. His friends are more important than the girl carrying his baby. I get fatter, but not cute baby bump fatter. Just thicker, and one-too-many-cream-filled-doughnuts fatter. My friends stop calling me to come over, and I sit at home watching sad movies and sleeping. School sucks. People start wondering and I could care less. Let them talk.

That pretty much sums up my crappy junior year.

Chapter 4 – Those Summer Nights

I was a whale, an extremely fair colored whale. My best friend tried to make me go outside and get a tan with her, but carrying around an extra life makes you hot already. I didn’t need the sun to heat me up even more.

Drew was gone. He had a life beyond me and was out partying with his friends all the time, on vacations and having fun while I sat in my boring old town because I wasn’t allowed to go on vacations. Dang doctor’s orders…

The only real thing I had to look forward to was Rachel coming to stay with me while my family went to Washington (which happened to be the week Noah was born). Ryan and Rachel had always gone out of their way to make the pregnancy special for me and to remind me they were thinking about me. I received many care packages in the mail filled with anything they thought might brighten my day. That really helped and cheered me up when I would get a surprise package in the mail after a bad day at school or work. When Rachel came to stay with me, Drew wasn’t really a huge part of my life. I wanted him to be, but he was dealing with this the only way he knew how: By pretending it wasn’t happening. I wish I could hate him for that, but I can’t help understanding what he was going through.

Rachel and I hung out almost every day that week: going to dinners, watching movies, even baking cakes for Ryan’s early birthday. Towards the end of the week though, I started to spend more and more time by myself. I was really irritable and just wanted my pregnancy to be over. I wanted to see what my little boy looked like already.

I tried all the ways in the book to make Noah come, and on Saturday, July 30th at midnight my water broke.

. . .

Katie's Story--Part 1

2011-11-26T23:23:00.000-08:00

Now that you’ve heard far too much from me, it’s time for you to hear more from Katie. I hope you all got to read the letter that she wrote to another birth mom. My blog was doing crazy things this week with repetitive posts and posts that disappeared. If you somehow missed Katie's letter that I published a few days ago, scroll down and check it out.

These are the questions that were submitted for Katie to answer:

-What is your “story”? What was it like when you found out you were pregnant? How did you choose adoption? How did you choose Rachel and Ryan?

-How did people treat you during your pregnancy (those at school, church, in the community, friends and family)? What was helpful? What was hurtful?

-Was it helpful to choose your adoptive couple early in the your pregnancy? If so, how?

-What did Rachel and Ryan do for you throughout your pregnancy that was helpful? Anything you wish they would’ve done?

-How did you prepare yourself for placement?

-What was the time in the hospital like? If you had it to do over, would you change anything about that time? Did Rachel and Ryan do anything that was helpful during those days? Anything you wish they would’ve done?

-What were the days and weeks after placement like? What helped you cope?

-Did you ever regret your decision?

-How are you feeling now?

-Has your experience with adoption changed your relationship with your family? Has it changed your view of yourself or others?

-What do you think of open adoption? Does it make it easier or harder for you to see photos of Noah and have visits with him? What do you envision for the future of the adoption relationship with Noah and Rachel and Ryan?

-Have you changed as a result of the adoption?

In response to all of these questions, Katie wrote ten pages about her experience. She broke it up into different “chapters,” and I will post a portion every day this week. I hope you are as excited to read her perspective as I was.

Chapter 1 – Once Upon A Time

A lot of people might think my story is too good to be true, and they’re right. This story of how I found the perfect couple for my son is too good to be true. It’s like when you watch those cheesy chick flicks where at the end the nerdy girl gets the perfect hunky guy and they drive off into the sunset, and all you can think about as you’re leaving the theater is, “There was no way that story could ever be true.” Things like that just don’t happen to ordinary people.

But this time, they did.

I was, for the most part, a good girl. I had tried the whole “bad girl” scene and decided it wasn’t for me. I finally had the life I had been searching for since I’d moved three years previous. I had the friends, I had the grades, the world’s best boyfriend. I had it all. The relationship with my parents had been slowly rebuilding to what it once had been, and for the most part I was happy. It was the first time in a very long time that I had been happy with my life.

I asked Drew, my best friend and also my boyfriend of half a year, if he would want to go to the Christmas Dance with me. The Christmas Dance marked the day before our one year anniversary of meeting each other, and of course he agreed to go with me. To everyone, it seemed as if nothing was wrong. Everything was fine and dandy.

At least for everyone except me.

Our dance group had Chinese food at my house before the dance. We were all having a good time, but inside I couldn’t help but feel sick to my stomach – literally. I just smiled and pretended like it hadn’t been five and a half weeks since I’d had my last period or the fact that I felt like going to sleep even though it wasn’t even eight o’clock.

The evening turned to night and the dance was almost over. I had a great time and before we left, I headed to the bathroom with my best friend. Still, the little spot of blood wasn’t there. She knew I was worried and asked me if what I suspected might be wrong was really happening. I blamed it on the stress of planning the dance, that’s why it hadn’t come yet.

But I knew the real reason why. You don’t need anyone to tell you – when you know, you know. Some stupid test doesn’t change what you already know.

The rest of the night I tried to keep from vomiting as we played games. Well, everyone else played games and I fell asleep on Drew’s shoulder. It had been a long day, that’s why I was so exhausted. I kept telling myself that, even though I didn’t really believe it.

The next few days flew by and there was no period. I drove to Planned Parenthood so they could tell me what I already knew was the truth. I was pregnant. I was six weeks. And I knew what I had to do, but could I do it?’

“If you are indeed pregnant, what are you going to do?” the nurse asked.

“I dunno,” I replied. “Adoption. Maybe I’ll decide to keep it. But not abortion. Definitely not abortion.”

I cried then. I cried and then I was done crying. What was there to cry about really? You shouldn’t cry over babies, at least not a sad cry.

I called Drew and he came over after work. My family was gone, so we were alone. Before I even opened my mouth, he understood. He kept pacing and saying, “We screwed up big time Katie. We screwed up.”

And that was the truth. We had screwed up. Katie had most certainly screwed up.

. . . to be continued tomorrow

Looking Back: Journal Entry, June 6, 2011

2011-11-25T22:03:00.000-08:00

**To celebrate National Adoption Month, I have been posting some of my journal entries (written in the midst of our waiting) to try to give a clearer picture of what it's like to adopt. This journal entry was written four months after Katie first contacted us, two months before Noah was born.

---

June 6, 2011

When I was visiting Sarah in St. Louis in February, right after Katie found out the gender of the baby, we went shopping for some baby clothes. Sarah asked me how I was feeling—was I still sad about my infertility? Or had that been cancelled out by my excitement about the adoption? Did I wish we were shopping for maternity clothes?

It was an interesting question—and a thoughtful one. I felt grateful that she acknowledged the fact that I might still have some infertility sadness, since I felt too ungrateful admitting that to anyone. I told her that, yes, I was still sad about my infertility, but it was okay because of my excitement about the adoption. I told her that I’d learned to let go of my old dreams and to form new ones instead.

I’ve had to let go of a lot of dreams, both with fertility and adoption. At least for now, I’ve had to let go of the dream of being pregnant and giving birth to Ryan’s baby—a little boy or girl with his eyes and sweet nature. But I’ve formed a new dream: Kneeling across from Ryan at an altar in the temple, our little baby all dressed in white in between us, being sealed to us forever. A different moment, but surely just as sweet. I’ve also had to let go of some adoption dreams, like getting a baby while we were still in Buffalo so I could be close to all of my friends. I even had the dream of getting the baby with just a few weeks notice, not telling any of my friends, and then just inviting them over for dinner and surprising them. (Man, that would’ve been fun.) Instead, I will have to wait for six long months for the baby to arrive, and I won’t be with my friends when he comes. But my new dream is forging a special and close relationship with Katie, as we support each other through the pregnancy.

A few months ago, my friend Nelda wrote me the most profound letter (she’s good at that), and in the midst of telling me about a disappointment in her life, she wrote, “Sometimes our disappointments are someone else’s tender mercies.” I don’t know why that line hit me with such force, but it felt like a direct answer to my prayers. My infertility disappointment will hopefully be a tender mercy for Katie. Our adoption disappointments (with so many birth moms changing their minds about us) eventually became other adoptive couples’ tender mercies as they received babies. I used to feel jealous of those families that ended up with “our” babies, but now I can see that things have worked out the way that they were supposed to.

Nelda’s letter, which was dated February 13 (just a few days after we were initially contacted by Katie and before I was telling anyone), went on to say, “I went to the temple yesterday morning, thinking about you and Ryan. The temple is only two blocks from my house, so when I walk there I like to think about people who anciently went up to the temple in Jerusalem with their lambs or doves, ready to offer something to God. Yesterday, I was thinking about Elizabeth and Zacharias, whose prayers for a child probably included sacrifices. But I don’t have any doves to offer for Rachel and Ryan, I thought, so what should I bring? And I didn’t come up with an answer, other than the thought to write a letter to you, and to put your names on a little slip of paper to be prayed over in the temple. I heard a story recently about a Japanese fisherman who had a special request of his ancestors, so he rang the shrine’s bell three times to get his ancestors’ attention. And I thought about how wonderful it is to know that God’s attention is already on us, no bell-ringing required. I love you, Hermana, and wish you the best of Februarys.”

I am so blessed to have people in my life like Nelda, who think about me and pray for me and share in my joys and my pains. Feeling so much love and support was an unexpected dream come true throughout this adoption journey—something I probably wouldn’t have felt if I didn’t have fertility problems.

Life doesn’t always (or ever) turn out as planned—but God always has beautiful things in store for us. Somehow, He can always make “beauty for ashes.”

---

I think it's appropriate that this journal entry be posted during Thanksgiving Week. Ryan and I have so much to be grateful for. The experience of adopting Noah has been a dream come true in so many ways. We are thankful for him, for Katie and Drew, for family members and friends who have offered so much support and love, for our religion and the hope that it brings us, and most of all, for a loving Father in Heaven who brought little Noah Bug into our family.

I recently attended the funeral of a close family friend. Her life was one of challenges but always of joy and faith. She lost her mother at 15, and as an adult, she struggled with a period of depression and a period of infertility. In spite of her trials, she was one of the happiest, kindest, most Christ-like people I've ever know. She died of ovarian cancer, though she was only in her early fifties. I left her memorial service feeling inspired to follow her example and live a better, fuller, happier life.

Last Easter, she wrote her family a letter explaining how she had gained a testimony of Jesus Christ throughout her life, and her daughter read it at the funeral. She started in her childhood and touched on those experiences throughout her life that had defined and tried her faith. As she wrote about her years of infertility, she quoted a scripture from Job 23. It brought tears to my eyes.

"Behold I go forward, but He is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive Him:

On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold Him; He hideth Himself on the right hand, that I cannot see Him.

But He knoweth the way that I take: when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold."

I related so much to the longing expressed in the first few verses--the desire to find God and to know His will for your life. The waiting and wondering and praying and pleading. And then the declaration that even through those times of darkness and confusion, when it seems so difficult to decipher God's hand in your life, "He knoweth the way that I take: when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold."

I have learned so much and grown so much through our adoption journey. I would not change a moment of the heartache due to what it has taught me and where it has lead me.

After all, it lead to me this:

And surely that picture is my dream come true.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!!

Looking Back: Journal Entry, April 17, 2011

2011-11-25T12:20:00.001-08:00

**To celebrate National Adoption Month, I have been posting some of my journal entries (written in the midst of our waiting) to try to give a clearer picture of what it's like to adopt.

With this journal entry, I wanted to illustrate that even after we had been chosen, there were still lots of moments of uncertainty, worry, sadness, and guilt.

April 17, 2011

Dear Baby,

Little one, I am sad tonight. I haven’t really heard from Katie in a month, and I am worried about her. I think about her every day and wonder how she is doing. I know she must be showing by now, and I wonder how her peers at school are reacting to her pregnancy. I wonder how she is feeling physically and emotionally. I wish I could be closer to her and to you during this pregnancy. I am envious of people who get to carry their babies with them throughout an entire pregnancy. It must be amazing to have your baby inside of you—to have him with you all the time and to feel him and to know that he is growing, thriving, and on his way. Right now, you feel so far away from me.

Sometimes I feel so very guilty that Katie is enduring all of the physical and emotional hardships of this pregnancy, and she won’t even get the reward of having you. Sometimes I think she must hate me for that. I really hope that she doesn’t because I love her, and I love you, and I don’t want to cause anyone any pain.

Oh how I pray I will hear from her soon.

Love you, Baby.

Mom

Looking Back: Email to Katie, February 28, 2011

2011-11-22T04:00:00.003-08:00

**Throughout Katie's pregnancy, she and I often wrote each other long emails. I have kept all of them. They are in my journal, and I am also going to put them in a special book for Noah to read someday. I decided to post this email to Katie because it records how my family supported me throughout the infertility/adoption process, as well as how God reminded me through small "tender mercies" that He was aware of me and my situation. Though He can't always intervene to save us from heartache, He is always there.

___

Date: February 28, 2011

Subject: God Answers Prayers, Even Little Ones

Hi, Katie!

I am stuck in an airport in Detroit without a cell phone to call Ryan and tell him what's going on. Man, life can be inconvenient sometimes!

My getting stuck in this airport is a long and harrowing story...and since I have nothing to do whilst sitting here and waiting for the next flight...and since I want to record this story for my posterity...I'll go ahead and tell you the entire tale. I hope you don't get bored! The day after our last failed adoption, I wrote a blog post titled "Heartbroken" about all of our disappointments in trying to get a child. My aunt Muriel, who is a famous artist, read it, and she said that she just started crying for me, and she wanted to do something to help--she wanted to fix it, but she knew she couldn't. So, instead, she decided to do something to show me that she loves me and is constantly thinking of us and praying for us to get a baby: she did a painting. I was so touched because this is a woman who literally gets thousands of dollars for her paintings, and she did one just for me. Such a sweet and thoughtful gesture of support. The painting is of a baby inside of an avocado—that sounds a little weird, I know, but she said that it was a "fertile image" and that she was sending lots of "good baby mojo" our way. :) (I love that woman.) Interestingly, you contacted me just a few days after she sent me a photo of the finished painting. And even more interesting, the day after you called me--literally, the day after when no one but Ryan, Sally, and my dad knew about you--she emailed me this message:

"Hi honey!

I had a dream with YOU in it last night. Sometimes I do have such strange dreams...almost a pre-cog kind of thing. I am wondering if there is some baby action running high right now? OK this will sound weird to you because it did to me! I was with you and your sisters and all of us were creating things. Cooking creations, art creations, crafty creations all together in the same room~ and the strangest thing....I WAS PREGNANT! It was a bit disturbing to me in the dream even. But when I woke up, I realized it was you who was pregnant in my dream, not me...hmmmmmmm~I wondered if there was something big going on. Or am I just the crazy aunt? Yeah, that could be true too! (=

Love you and hope that my dream was a hint of things to come (one can be pregnant with potential adoption too you know!)!

XOXOXO

Auntie Muriel"

Crazy, huh? It's like the woman has ESP!

Anyway, this aunt lives in St. Louis, so she gave me my painting while I was visiting my sister this week. It was all cardboarded up to protect it, and I brought it as one of my carry-ons on the flight. I also have a ginormous and heavy duffel bag because I didn't want to pay to check a bag. Well, the flight from St. Louis to Detroit went off without a hitch, and I was careful to protect the painting. But then, I went to the bathroom in the airport at my layover in Detroit, and I accidentally left the painting in the stall!!!! I was so weighed down by my big duffel that I didn't realize it. I had a very short layover, so I hustled to my next gate (which was literally across a huge airport in a totally different concourse), and I just made it to the gate as they were boarding. Standing in line, I looked down at my duffel, and it dawned on me: "I left the painting in the bathroom." I completely panicked. I stood frozen for about thirty seconds trying to decide what to do: If I run for the painting, I will almost definitely miss my flight...But if I don't run for the painting, I will be losing a priceless and precious heirloom from someone who really loves me...If I run for the bathroom and I miss the flight, I will probably have to pay big bucks to rebook a ticket to Buffalo...If I get on the flight, I could probably call Lost and Found and get the painting shipped to me, but I've lost stuff in airports before, and it was never found...

Finally, I just started running. I knew that the painting could not be replaced. I ran all the way across the airport hauling my ridiculous duffel bag. I wanted to just throw it into a corner and come back for it later, but I was afraid that I would cause a bomb scare. (Crazy girl throwing a bag in a corner and then sprinting away probably wouldn't look so good in an airport.) By the time I got to the bathroom, I was so out of breath. I was coughing and panting and praying (literally). It wasn't in the bathroom, so I ran out to ask a janitor or worker if they had seen anything. Unfortunately for me, I chose the meanest Delta worker in the history of mankind to ask. She was so snippy, and when I told her that the painting was really important to me, she said, "Well, if it was so important to you, maybe you should've held on to it." Uhhhhhh....DUH LADY! DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT? Thanks so much for your empathy and compassion!

The mean lady told me to go try the airport Lost and Found but she doubted it would be there. At this point, I started crying.

I started to walk toward the Lost and Found, saying a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me find the painting. All of the sudden, I had the thought that the painting was probably still close by. After all, it had been less than an hour. I turned around and found another flight attendant. Luckily, she was really nice, and she actually tried to help me instead of making me feel like an idiot. After a few minutes of searching, she found the painting behind one of the gate desks (someone had brought it from the bathroom). Talk about relief!! By this point, I had missed my flight, and when I told her that, she rebooked me on a later flight for free. I was so grateful!

Anyway, I wanted to record this story because I plan to hang the painting in the baby's nursery, and I want the baby to know that the painting was created by my Aunt Muriel's love and was saved in the Detroit airport by God's love.

Stories of God helping people find things sometimes really bother me. When I hear people bear testimony that God helped them find their CTR ring or cell phone or whatever, I think it somewhat trivializes the true meaning of prayer. I always think, "There are people in this congregation who have been earnestly praying for years for God to bless them with children or heal them of a terminal disease or help them overcome destructive addictions...If God hasn't yet answered their heart wrenching prayers, how is it going to make them feel to hear that He has responded to such trivial concerns?" Yet, I do think that God helped me find the painting. Despite my skepticism of such tales, I had the thought, "The painting is around here. Talk to someone else." Maybe God can't always solve all of our biggest problems (such as infertility or disease) because they are just part of the mortal experience and the test...but He can show His love for us by helping out with little things along the way--those "tender mercies" that let us know that He is listening and wants to help us in any way that He can.

Anyway, that was a long story!! I told you it might be boring!

My flight is now boarding, and I don't want to miss another one, so I better run. Thanks for listening, and I'll write later. :) I can't wait to finally see Ryan in just a few hours. This has been quite a week!

Rachel

Aunt Muriel's painting hanging in Noah's nursery. (Sorry the picture quality isn't great.)
Doesn't the baby look like him with the wild brown hair? She really does have ESP! :)

From One Birth Mom to Another

2011-11-20T15:46:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine recently emailed me asking how she could support a friend who is placing her baby for adoption in the very near future. She wanted to know what to say to assure her that she is making the right decision. (We will get to my thoughts on this question in another post.) She ended the email by asking me if I could ask Katie what she should say to support this friend of hers (since Katie would obviously know a lot better than either of us). I forwarded the email to Katie, and the next day, I got the most beautiful letter in response. It was not addressed to me or to my friend--it was addressed to the brave young woman who is about to place her baby with an adoptive family. I love Katie's amazing insight, and man, can she write. Most seventeen year olds do not express themselves this articulately (believe me, as a former high school English teacher, I know). I asked Katie if I could post the letter on this blog, so any birth mother who needs strength can read it. Katie agreed. She is a really open person and has written a series of posts about her experience which I will be posting next week. So this is just your first taste of the amazing woman that Katie is. I love and admire her.

Dear Friend,

My name is Katie. I am 17 years old and I placed my baby boy for adoption on August 2^nd, almost four months ago. I don’t know your story, or how you’re doing, I don’t even know your name but I wanted to write you this letter so you could know a little about me and my experience.

Letting my son be adopted was the best decision I have ever made, but it was also the hardest. When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately knew the right thing for me to do would be to give that baby the best life possible. I was only 16, I wasn’t ready to be a parent, and neither was my boyfriend. How could I be a mom when I was still living with my mom? There were so many questions about what I should do, but in reality the only thing I felt was right was adoption.

I started going to group sessions at my local LDS Family Services, and they helped a lot! I was super nervous before I went to my first one, but after the second or third time I was hooked. The girls there all knew what I was going through and it helped me understand that life goes on after adoption, and it isn’t sad forever.

The decision you’re making is the most selfless decision you could ever make. I have the greatest respect for you and what you’re doing. But, just because your decision is selfless doesn’t mean that part of it isn’t selfish. I wanted my son to have the best life, but I also didn’t want to be a mother. And that’s okay. It’s okay to not want to be a mother yet.

I’m going to tell you what I hated hearing in the weeks leading up to when my son was born, and you’ll probably hate it as much as I did: It does get better. For me, the turning point was the night of his first month birthday, September 1st. I was sitting at my house, looking at pictures of my beautiful baby boy and hoping that the bad feelings inside of me would stop and that I would stop crying long enough to be happy for my little guy making it to one month. One month had gone by since he had been mine. Mine for a day. That was the happiest day of my life, and not only because he was mine, but because I knew that the next day he would be someone else’s. Someone I knew would love him as much as I did. I was happy that first week. I had done the right thing, and I knew it. So I was happy.

But then week two rolled around, and I suddenly felt devastated. It had been a while since I had seen him last. What had I done? That baby was mine, I knew he had to be mine, why else would I be feeling this kind of loss and pain? I was angry and hurt. Nobody understood, except the girls at Group. They knew exactly how I was feeling those few weeks. They told me it would pass, but I didn’t believe them. I didn’t think it would ever be the same with me, I missed him so much. I would lay awake at night looking at his pictures and videos I had taken, and I would cry. I would cry and then fall asleep and wish that tomorrow would be a better day.

On top of that, my best friend and boyfriend left for college a week later. My two favorite people in the world were gone, at least for a while. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Things in my life just kept not working out and I swore I had made the wrong decision. I was supposed to keep my son, that’s why nothing was going right.

But I was wrong.

September 1, 2011. That was the night I finally realized that it would be okay. It felt like someone had wrapped a warm blanket around me and was telling me that everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be. I was reading something my adoptive mom had written about my son and I couldn’t help but feel comforted knowing how much love that baby was getting. So much love.

So I’m sitting here writing to you that yes, it sucks. It sucks big time at first. But I promise you that one day, I don’t know when that will be for you, it will be okay. You will know in your heart that you did the best for your little tiny miracle. You are giving the most precious gift to someone that nobody else could ever give them. Your adoptive couple will be so thankful for this, and I am too. I wish more of my friends were brave enough to do the best for their children.

It takes a lot of strength to go through something like this. Not only did we have to suffer through nine months of morning sickness, leg cramps, and a twenty-six hour labor with no pain medication (been there, trust me), then we are expected to give up that thing that we have been fighting for the past year of our lives. Giving up our time to just give it to someone else. That’s brave. Not very many people are as brave as the girls like us.

Life is hard and the road is rocky and treacherous, but you are one step closer to giving your beautiful baby a jump start on life; a little leap of a better shot. You are not being cruel. You are being a mother. A mother only wants what’s best for her children. I wasn’t what was best for my son. I knew that, but it didn’t make it any easier. Time is all you have.

In the hospital don’t have any regrets. If you want to have alone time with your baby, take it. If you want to sing and read that child stories then do it. Do everything you want to do, because that time is your time. Not anyone else’s. No one should be able to take that away from you.

The hardest part for me wasn’t signing the papers relinquishing my rights; it was when I actually walked my sweet little boy to my adoptive parents. I had spent the last hour in pure agony. I sobbed and held that baby tight, and gave him the last kiss as his mommy. I cradled him in my arms and handed him to his new mother who held us both and we all cried together, hugging each other a little while longer. Remember, when you’re saying good bye, that it’s not good bye, more like good luck and see you soon.

I will never forget the look on my adoptive parents’ face when they were looking at their new baby. He was never mine. I know that now. He was always meant to be theirs. It used to be hard to say that out loud, but now that I know it’s so true, it’s easy.

I hope this has helped you, even just a little bit. I hope everything with you goes well and that you don’t ever regret your decision (even though all us birth moms do). I hope you understand that it will be okay and it will get better, I promise.

God loves you and your baby; He knows what’s best for both of you. Remember, God only gives us the challenges He knows we can manage. We are the strongest people that can be, and He knows that too. He knows that we can do this for those who couldn’t enjoy being parents without us. I love you, and I love what you are doing.

From one birth mom to another,

Katie

Looking Back: Journal Entry, February 12, 2011

2011-11-17T04:00:00.000-08:00

**To celebrate National Adoption Month, I am posting some of my journal entries (written in the midst of our waiting) to try to give a clearer picture of what it's like to adopt.

February 12, 2011

A week ago (last Saturday), I had a very sad day. I just felt empty inside, aching for our baby, wondering when it would happen. I was starting to lose hope and faith. I lay on the bed and just felt so very discouraged. I prayed fervently for Heavenly Father to send me some guidance.

Later that evening, I started surfing adoption blogs. I like to read adoption blogs sometimes because they help me realize that there are lots of women out there who understand what I am going through, and reading their stories gives me hope that something will work out for us in the Lord’s time. I read a blog post by a girl named Brittany who said that, after months of waiting, she got a phone call at work one day from LDS Family Services. She said that when she saw the Caller ID, she just knew that they had been chosen by a birth mom. Before she even picked up the phone, she “knew.”

I filed that story away in my memory. Sometimes I hear stories like that with adoption—that birth mothers "just know" when they’ve found the right family, or adoptive couples "just know" when they read that special email contact. I’m never sure if I can totally believe those stories. Are they just exaggerated because human beings love to feel like there is great meaning in all of our life experiences? To be honest, sometimes those stories almost freak me out a little because they set such a high expectation of what it “should” feel like. I start to think, “If I don’t get a lightening bolt answer like that, does it mean it isn’t right?”

Anyway, reading Brittany’s story didn’t make me feel freaked out; it actually made me feel a little better because she did end up getting her baby, and it reminded me that I will too. That, plus prayer, scripture study, and a good talk with Ryan and Natalie Dayton, left me feeling much better. In fact, all day Sunday and Monday, I felt really peaceful. I almost felt like it was a premonition that something was coming—very soon—and I almost half expected to see “the” email in my Inbox each time I checked over those couple of days.

Well, I was right. Something was coming. But it didn’t come in the form of an email; it came as a phone call.

I was driving home from work on Monday (it was February 7, for the sake of posterity), and I looked down at my ringing phone to see an area code 801 phone number that I didn’t recognize. I immediately thought, “This is probably a birth mom.” But then I thought, “That’s nuts—how could it be a birth mom? It’s not like our phone number is published with our adoption profile. How would a birth mom get our phone number?” But for some crazy reason, I really felt that I “knew” it was going to be serious news about our adoption. (I don’t know if it was the story from the blog I’d read or what.) After deciding that it couldn’t possibly be a birth mom, my next thought was, “Maybe it’s a case worker in Salt Lake telling us we’ve been chosen.”

When I answered the phone, an obviously nervous young woman said, “Hi, is this Rachel?”

I answered, “Yes it is,” and my heart started to pound.

“Is now a good time to talk?” she asked without identifying herself further. As soon as she uttered those words, I knew without a doubt that it was a birth mom.

“Yes, this is a good time to talk,” I said, holding my breath a little.

I don’t remember exactly what she said next. All I know is that it came out in a tumble of words—like she had been holding them back for quite some time and was rushing to get them out. I remember hearing “Katie….related to Ryan…I want to give you my baby.”

I literally could not speak. A million thoughts flashed through my mind: “What is the appropriate response right now?” “Is the baby already born?” “Is this really happening??”

I sputtered for several seconds. You may think that’s an exaggeration, but it’s not…I literally sputtered, “That’s—welll---wow, that’s---that’s…” and then I burst out, “That’s wonderful!”

HOW LAME IS THAT??????!!!!!! “That’s wonderful!”??? Really, Rachel?! That’s the best you could come up with in response to some of the most important words you will ever hear in your entire life?

I think I followed it up with, “Wow! I don’t know what to say! Thank you!” Oh my gosh, I was a babbling idiot!!

At that point, I swung my car over to the side of the road. I couldn’t drive and have a conversation like that one I was about to have. (For the record, I was pulled over on Eggert Road, just a few blocks away from home.) As she and I continued to talk, the details unfolded. She is 16 and lives in Utah. She is Ryan’s second cousin, but we've never met her. Just after she had found out that she was pregnant, she saw Sally’s Christmas card, which said, “We ask friends and family to pass along Ryan and Rachel’s name if you're aware of any potential adoption situations that might be promising for them.”

Apparently, she just stumbled upon the Christmas card, and after she read those words, she never considered anyone else. She hadn’t even seen our adoption profile or our blog, and yet she had already picked us. I am totally amazed by that. After all of the time and effort we poured into the “perfect” profile, it was God that guided her to us, not our own efforts. It is a miracle. When I had asked Sally to mention our desire to adopt in her Christmas card, I wasn’t sure she would do it. It is a little awkward to put in a Christmas card, but I got the idea because Grandpa mentioned it in his Christmas letter to friends and family, so I thought why not ask Sally to mention it in hers? (Thank you, Grandpa, for the idea!!!) But she did do it (though she admits now that she was a little hesitant), and it turned out to be the miracle we needed!!

Anyway, Katie didn’t tell her parents about her pregnancy until she was out of her first trimester. When she did finally tell them, about two weeks ago (she is 15 weeks pregnant now), she also told them that she is sure about adoption and that she wants the baby to go to us. At that point, she still hadn’t even seen our profile and didn’t really know anything about us. Amazing!

Katie’s dad called Sally and told her that he knew of a young woman who was pregnant and considering adoption. He asked her if Ryan and I were still looking to adopt; he asked about our personalities, and if we were willing to do an open adoption; she gave him our blog and profile web addresses.

At that point in the conversation, he said, “Sally, it’s my daughter.”

Apparently, she immediately started to cry. She was overwhelmed with emotion thinking about how Katie's dad must be feeling and how remarkable it would be if it worked out for us to adopt the baby. But at the end of the conversation, he told Sally not to say anything to us. He said, “This is totally Katie’s decision; I will give her this information, and then we will let her decide.” So Sally didn’t know for sure if anything would come of it or when they were planning to contact us. I’m sure she was dying!

A few days later (Monday afternoon), Katie herself called Sally and asked for my cell phone number. Sally chatted with her for a minute, but Katie didn’t confirm whether or not she had picked us. So Sally was waiting by the phone when I called an hour or two later to tell her the happy news! :)

Anyway…that was kind of the background story…back to my conversation with Katie: I think I was super awkward because I was caught so off guard by the phone call. When I’ve talked to other birth moms, I’ve had notice, so I’ve brainstormed questions in advance, prayed for guidance, and felt really composed and peaceful. During this phone call, I was grappling for things to say and ask her--I knew I had a million questions, and yet not a single one came to mind. I found out that she and her boyfriend, Drew, are still together but recognize that they can’t raise a baby when they’re both so young.

I told her that we’ve had a lot of adoption disappointments, and the last few months have been really difficult. She said, “I know—I read a lot of your blog. After I read about what you’ve been through, I decided that we couldn’t contact you until we were totally positive. We needed to make sure that both sets of parents were on board. We just told Drew’s mom this weekend, and she is supportive of adoption and excited about you guys, so we decided to contact you and move forward.” I am blown away that she has thought all of this through and is being so considerate of our feelings. She is youngest of all of the birth moms we've talked to, and yet she seems the most mature and compassionate.

I am sitting here trying to recall the rest of the conversation, but it is blurry. I think I was in shock. I did get her email address and phone number so I could follow-up with her later after I’d processed everything. It was just such an unexpected turn of events. It’s not very often that a situation renders me speechless, but this one honestly did.

After I got off the phone with Katie, I immediately called Sally. I was talking through everything with her while also trying to make dinner for a lady from our church who just had a baby. Because of my excitement, I was not multi-tasking very well, so I finally gave up on making dinner and drove to the grocery store and bought a rotisserie chicken, bagged salad kit, and French bread and then dropped it off to the family. I still hadn’t seen Ryan since 7:00 in the morning, and as I drove home, I got a little giddy thinking about how I would break the news.

When I got home, I couldn’t stop smiling. Like really cheesily grinning. You’d think he would’ve noticed something was up, but he didn’t seem to notice anything was out of the ordinary. I sat him down on the couch and told him. He was amazed and excited and shocked, just like me.

The first two days, I’d say the news didn’t really sink in. I told a few people, but I am just more guarded in my excitement after what we’ve been through. On Thursday, I got a really amazing email from her in which she answered a lot of my questions and really opened up to me. As I read her words, I just started to love her, and for the first time, I let myself get really really excited. I stayed up late writing a lengthy email reply, and after I was done, I snuggled into Ryan (who was sleeping peacefully beside me), and I kept saying, “I’m so happy, Ry! I’m so happy!”

Today, though, I must admit that I feel worried and terrified. I don’t want to be—I just want to be happy—but she has six months to change her mind, and I am so worried that she will. Though she claims she is certain, she can’t feel the baby inside of her yet. Should I really trust my heart to this situation? Should we really take down our adoption profile and proceed with faith in this opportunity? Is this worry and fear going to consume me for the next six months? (The baby is due August 11th.) Am I going to worry if I don’t hear back from her for lengthy spans of time? Will she want to communicate with me as much as I want to communicate with her? How can I support her and be there for her? How do I know if I am being too pushy?

These are the questions that occupy my mind now.

It’s been a good week—an exhausting week in a lot of ways—but I think our baby is really on his/her way to us. Oh how I hope he/she is!!

Looking Back: Journal Entry, February 5, 2011

2011-11-16T04:00:00.000-08:00

**To celebrate National Adoption Month, I am posting some of my journal entries (written in the midst of our waiting) to try to give a clearer picture of what it's like to adopt.

February 5, 2011

I am feeling so sad today.

In the past six months, we have been contacted by eight birth moms. Each of these contacts is exciting, and each time that it doesn't work out, it's like a miscarriage. I know that seems dramatic, but really, it's the same emotions of grief for a baby that will never be. The last several birth moms have given us their due dates: January 13th, January 27th, February 4th, March 8th. As each due date comes and goes, I feel a variety of emotions. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel angry. I feel jealous. Sometimes, I feel nothing.

Three of those four contacts will be placing their babies with other families. I know this is completely irrational, but I feel a little angry at those other families who are getting the babies, those other families who probably don't even know that Ryan and I exist. I know that I should be happy for them...but how can I be happy for them, when I am so sad for me?

The birth moms that we have talked to and met seem so wonderful...until they just suddenly stop communicating with us and completely tear my heart out. Why can't people just email me and say, "We decided on a different family"? As disappointing as that email would be, it wouldn't hurt as much as it does to wait...and wait...and wait...and check my email...and check again...and keep checking...and lose hope...and cry...and check again...

It is awful.

I am happy to say that, right now, we are not in contact with any birth moms. It's only a matter of time until we will get contacted again, and there's a part of me that is dying to get the next contact (because what if it's the right one?), but there's another part of me that is just so relieved to have a little break right now.

I'm going to go to bed.

Katie contacted us two days after this journal entry was written. You just never know when your life is going to change! Tomorrow's post: My journal entry after Katie contacted us. :)

Looking Back: Journal Entry, January 26, 2011

2011-11-14T21:44:00.000-08:00

   This is the first of many posts that I have planned for National Adoption month. Katie and I both love to write, so I have a feeling I will be posting something that one of us has written every day for the rest of November. Sorry if it gets old.
   A few things about these posts:
   -I will be including excerpts from my personal journal. I hope that's not weird. I just want to give as clear a picture of the adoption experience as I can, crazy emotions and all. I want to do this for several reasons: 1. I hope it will help other adoptive couples to know that they are not alone in what they are experiencing and feeling, 2. I hope it will be encouraging to those adoptive couples to read our experience, knowing how it ends, and 3. I hope it will allow those of you who have not adopted to get a "taste" of what's it like, so you can better support the birth moms and adoptive couples in your life.
   -Because my religion is so central to who I am, many of my journal entries will refer to specific aspects of my faith that may be unfamiliar to those who aren't Mormon. I am going to include hyperlinks for terms that may be unfamiliar, and if you ever have any questions, you can ask me. I won't be offended, and I won't try to convert you. :) I love discussing my religious beliefs with the people I care about.
   And with no further adieu, here is journal entry #1! :)
---
January 26, 2011 (One year after we'd started the adoption process, and six months after we'd been officially approved to adopt)

I cannot stop thinking about babies. I am not tormented or depressed (most of the time), but it is just something that weighs heavily on my mind and my heart all day every day. What does God want for our family? Does he want us to adopt a special needs baby through an agency called Spence Chapin? Are we up for the challenge? Does he want us to stick it out with LDS Family Services? Does he want us to try harder for biological children, putting my body through the more intense fertility treatments that I am dreading? Does He care which path we take? I feel these nagging questions all the time, even when I am working on something else. When I’m grading papers, when I’m running on a treadmill…even when I’m sleeping. I can’t help but dream different scenarios of how we will get our baby.

Yesterday, I asked Ryan if he ever thinks about the adoption. He said, “What’s there to think about?”

His response made me both amused and annoyed. I wish I had his ability to focus on the now and not waste time worrying about an undefined future; but at the same time, sometimes I feel like I am carrying the burden of this decision all by myself. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that perhaps this is always the role of a woman as she builds her family—I doubt many men think too much about babies while their wife is pregnant. Their major contribution is helping to create the child, and then they probably somewhat forget about it until the tyke has actually entered the world. The difference is that men whose wives are pregnant have a visual reminder of what is coming. They get to watch their wife's belly grow, and they get to feel the kicks and hiccups. Sometimes I desperately wish that Ryan had that daily reminder--a daily reason for him to be excited and share this journey with me. He is so supportive and loving, but I just don't think he feels the heaviness of all of this like I do.

I have never prayed so much in my life. I feel like prayers are inseparably woven into all of my thoughts these days. “What should we do? Please guide us Heavenly Father.” It’s like a refrain that plays in my mind all day long. And every morning and every night, I get on my knees and beg for guidance.

I'm trying not to be sad or discouraged. My patriarchal blessing makes it very clear that I will be a mother in this life. But what it does not specify is when or how that miracle will occur--the waiting and wondering is difficult.

---

Katie contacted us less than two weeks after this journal entry was written. :)

National Adoption Month

2011-11-08T15:43:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned before, November is National Adoption month, and since we obviously really dig adoption around here, I am going to be doing some adoption-related posts this month.

Shortly before Noah was born, Ryan and I went to a BBQ for his work. One of the women approached me and said, "I hear you are adopting."

"Yes, in about a month," I said, smiling.

"Man, I should've done that," she responded. "I wish I would've gotten my kids the easy way."

I think I almost died when she said that. I felt like I'd gotten the wind knocked out of me. "It actually hasn't been that easy," I squeaked out, when I could manage words again.

"What do you mean?" she said. "You get a kid without a single stretch mark."

This conversation made me realize just how uninformed a lot of people are about the adoption process. Unless they have known someone who has gone through it, I think some people truly believe that adopting a baby is as easy as signing a clipboard and handing over some money.

Um, yeah right.

I love adoption. It has been a difficult journey, but it has been an amazing one too (with the best happy ending in the world). I want to be an advocate of adoption and educate people about the process. I want more couples to consider adopting because they know our story, and I want more birthparents to consider placing babies for adoption because they know our story. AND I want our friends and family to offer meaningful support to those who are adopting because they know our story.

So now is your chance to ask me questions about adoption--anything you want--the before, during, and after. I will answer questions in periodic blog posts, and I am also going to post some of the journal entries and letters to the baby that I wrote throughout the process.

AND, way more exciting than hearing from me, you will hear from Katie, Noah's birth mom, this month!! She has agreed to "guest post" on my blog, so if you have any questions for her, please email them to me. She is really open and she loves to write, so feel free to ask anything. Seriously. I have asked her some hard questions over the past many months, and she has never hesitated to answer. I am excited for all of you to get to hear from her because she is truly awesome.

My email is rachel dot nielson at hotmail dot com. Or you can leave your question(s) in a comment.

Happy November!

Today is...

2011-11-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

...the first day of National Adoption Month!

AND

...Noah's three-month birthday!

Took this photo today with my new phone. Isn't he an angel? Love those blue eyes. I did not get a smartphone, so the quality of this photo isn't great, and I can't figure out how to rotate it, even in iPhoto. It's weird.

   In honor of his big day, I took him to the doctor where he was prescribed some medicine for Reflux.He has been so spitty and fussy that the doctor is concerned.  Let's hope the little darling feels better soon!

   He weighs 12 lbs 11 oz (which is the 40th%).

   For a small guy, he sure is strong. He's been holding his head up since he was a week old (I'm not kidding) and bearing his own weight since he was about three weeks old. He now kicks his way out of the Miracle Blanket at night. That thing is seriously a straightjacket...I have no idea how he gets out of it, but it wakes him up every time (darn it). All that sports training with Dad seems to be paying off.

Even training him in his sleep...

For more fascinating details about our little man, check out our new addition to the side bar. (Ryan and I updated ours as well.)

Happy Three-Month, Noah Nugget!

The Halloween Tail (get it?) of a Little Lobster

2011-10-31T06:19:00.000-07:00

It's weird...a little lobster has been hanging around our house this week.

When I told the lobster that he was going to be cooked for dinner, he wasn't too happy.

But then I decided that he was too cute to eat, so I told him we would go to a Halloween party at Bapa's church instead. He liked that idea and cheered right up.

Once we got to the party, he found out that he was going to have to go back in the stockpot, and he was a little concerned and frightened.

But Aunt Sarah comforted him, promising that she wouldn't let anyone eat him.

Relieved, he calmed down and just enjoyed himself at the party. Everyone stopped to admire him and his cute cousin, Peter Pan. And really, who can blame them??

All of that admiration gets tiring, and before he knew it, Lobster had drifted off into Dream Land in his cozy little pot.

Mama loves her Little Lobster, and she can't wait to show him off today. (He will be wearing his lobster suit all day, all around town.)

Happy Halloween!

Dad vs. Mom

2011-10-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

Ryan has big plans for his son. He wants him to be an athlete, and he is starting his training early. Every time I turn around, Noah has a different kind of ball with him--all strategically placed by his father. The best part is I never see Ryan giving Noah these balls. They just show up in his crib, his car seat, his swing, and the Bumbo. It makes me laugh.

Look closely under his left elbow.

Mom, on the other hand, wants Noah to be a good helper, and she has already started her training. Last weekend, she and Aunt Laura took him shoe shopping at DSW and expected him to follow behind them and carry all of the different options (the job of a guy, right?).

Boxes and shoes in his lap AND on the front of the stroller

Thanks for holding those boxes tight, Sweet Pea!

Noah seems to like sports more than shoes. He was willing to help us shop for about fifteen minutes before he got fussy and started whining to go home. Typical male.

My Dream Came True

2011-10-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

I never should've written on this blog that Noah was sleeping through the night. Once I publicly admitted to my good fortune (pretty much the very day that I admitted to it), he started waking up a million times a night. Figures, right?

I wish I could say that I wasn't frustrated by it. He is, after all, very young to be sleeping through the night. But once I got a taste of how wonderful it feels to be rested, it was difficult to go back. Noah is a fussy baby--he has very few periods of content awake time during the day--and it's so much easier to be patient when I'm not exhausted.

It's true what people say: Being a mom is hard. But just when I am getting discouraged and frustrated, Noah and I have these moments together that remind me how very lucky I am to have him.

Last year, in the height of our fertility and adoption drama, I often envisioned and yearned for life with a baby. I pictured my son or daughter being my little buddy, someone I could hang out with all day long. For some reason, the picture that most often came to mind was of us cooking dinner together. The baby would be sitting in his Bumbo chair on the counter, watching me contentedly while I cooked. I would talk to him as I measured, chopped, and stirred, expounding on life as if he understood every word I was saying. We would be best friends.

Yesterday, my dream came true.

It only lasted ten minutes before he started to bawl--but those ten minutes were enough. I love my boy. I am so lucky.

One Week Until Halloween...

2011-10-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

This little pumpkin is ready!!

Such a snoog.

Derek and Alli's Wedding (also known as Noah's First Wedding)

2011-10-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

Last month, Ryan's older brother Derek got married to a fabulous girl. I am so excited that Alli is my sister now! We got to know each other on the family trip to Hawaii this summer, and she is so fun and easy to talk to. We think Derek is pretty awesome, and now he has an awesome wife!

Noah and I went to Idaho a week before the wedding to "help" Ryan's mom, Sally, and his little sister, Ashley, prepare for the festivities. We didn't really do much in terms of helping, but it sure was fun to spend the week with Grandma and Aunt Ashley. Noah was in heaven with all the attention (though we didn't get enough photos to prove it).

One night, Noah and I drove to Utah to visit Katie and Drew. It was so fun to see them. When I pulled up to Drew's house, they were waiting outside, and Katie started jumping up and down in excitement, and Drew gave her a high five. It was priceless. I love those two, and I love how much they love Noah. The relationship we have with them and their families is such a blessing.

We stayed the night at Katie's house, and Noah had fun playing with her and her siblings in the morning. It is really special that Ryan is related to Katie and we are so comfortable in their home.

Everyone agreed that his Halloween pajamas are stinkin' cute.

We returned to Idaho for a few days, and then it was back to Utah for Derek and Alli's wedding! Hooray! The night before the wedding, Noah met his Uncle Tanner (Ryan's youngest brother) for the first time. The two of them really hit it off:

Noah loves to be swaddled tightly like this. Tanner said he wants one of these "burrito blankets" for himself! :)

Noah enjoyed his first wedding rehearsal dinner...

The happy couple

The way Derek is holding Noah in this picture cracks me up!
He better learn how to cuddle a baby because we're all counting on them to provide Nielson Grandchild #2 very soon! :) (But no pressure, guys!)

And bridal shower...

Noah is not pictured, but he did attend.
And this is the apron I gave to Alli. :)

And wedding...

Noah slept through the entire thing.

Coming out of the Salt Lake Temple

Aren't they both so cute?

Handsome brothers...sixteen months apart! (Not sure how Sally survived that!)

All of the handsome brothers!

The fam minus Noah (he was sleeping)

And wedding reception...

Aunt Ashley made him this adorable purple tie to match the big boys.

The amazing seamstress

Noah was getting tired by this point.

Ryan gave a great toast!

Katie and her family came to the wedding. :)

Four generations

After such a busy few days, Noah zonked in Grandma's arms:

Now that we're home, Noah's resting and building up his energy...because next month, we'll head back to Idaho and Utah for another Nielson wedding!

Cole and Sara will wed on November 19th!
CONGRATS, YOU TWO! Can't wait!

I don't know how this post, like all of the others, ended up being about Noah. I intended this post to be about Derek and Alli! Will I ever again be able to blog about something other than Noah?? I kind of don't think so!

Dilemma

2011-10-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am extremely hard on cell phones. I have a history of dropping phones on the hardwood floor, on the pavement outside the car (this happens almost daily when I forget that my phone is on my lap while getting out of the car), and in mixing bowls full of water.

When I am not dropping my phone, I am losing my phone. I swear, half of the time, I don't know where my phone is.

For obvious reasons, I always get the cheapest model of cell phone, and I've been pleasantly surprised by how sturdy these little cheapos can be. For the most part, they survive my accidents. The phone that I dropped in the mixing bowl full of water started working again after I'd already ordered its replacement, so it became Ryan's phone. He recently accidentally dropped it in a toilet, and it still works.

So imagine my surprise when today, without any warning or provocation (I didn't drop it or anything!), my cell phone stopped working. None of the buttons work. I tried texting, I tried pushing numbers...nothing. So I decided to try the fail-proof solution that I always employ when my electronics stop working: turn it off and then on again.

Unfortunately, after I turned it off, it wouldn't turn back on. I think it is really dead this time.

So here's my dilemma: With all of the promotions that they have going on right now, upgrading to a "smart phone" is about the same price as getting another cheapo. I have wanted a smart phone in the past, but I've always decided against it because 1) I will inevitably break or lose it, and 2) I don't want to pay for the data plan, and 3) I don't want to become even more obsessed with checking my email/Facebook constantly.

What should I do? Advice is appreciated.

Sun Shiny Day at the Grocery Store

2011-10-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

I had the most pleasant experience at the grocery store today.

Everywhere I went, people smiled at me. It was delightful. It took me about .5 seconds to figure out the reason they were smiling: Noah was strapped in his Baby Bjorn, facing out like a little kangaroo joey, his head bobbing to and fro with each step I took.

Of course they were smiling!

At one point, I walked up to a thug-looking teenage worker who was stocking shelves.

"Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where the dry onion soup mix is?"

He looked up from his shelf, and his eyes settled on Noah for a second, and when he looked back at me to answer, I could tell he was fighting a grin. This made me fight a grin too, and when it was apparent that we were both trying not to smile, the kid burst out laughing and squealed, "Ohhhh he's so cute!"

It made my day.

Sleepy Baby

2011-10-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

I just have to report that this little angel...

...started sleeping through the night this week!

He's been sleeping a little longer each day, and it is currently 8:00 a.m. and he is still not awake. I AM AMAZED. In fact, though I am alone, I keep saying to myself (out loud), "He is amazing!" And then a few minutes later, I'll say (again out loud), "He is the best baby ever!"

He really is the best baby ever. He is nine weeks old now, and I feel like it must be the magic number because he has seemed so much happier and more content this past week. He was a fairly fussy newborn, but this week he is all smiles and coos. Must be all that sleep he is getting!

Have I mentioned I adore him?

When he was one week old, before we left Utah to bring him home, my good friend Molly Hunter took some pictures of him. Molly is a photography student at BYU (she is in her last semester), and she is amazingly talented. Not only is she amazingly talented, she's also amazingly cool and easy to work with. If you are in Utah, I highly recommend her for any of your photo needs. (As a side note, I got to know Molly when she volunteered at the orphanage in El Salvador and took gorgeous photos of the kids.)

I LOVE the way these pics turned out of my sleepy little guy. I can't decide which images are cutest--so I am tempted to just frame them all! But since that might be a little much, please tell me which photos you think are best. I need input!

This is the blanket my mom made before she passed away.
I love this pic!

He's my little Noah Snugett. Love these wittle feet.

Mother and Son

2011-10-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

but still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

you didn't grow under my heart--but in it."

I love you, Sweet Noah.

**Photography by Molly Hunter in Provo, Utah.
More photos to come!

Albuquerque!

2011-10-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, Ryan, Noah and I road tripped to Albuquerque, New Mexico to visit the Cardons, some of our best friends from dental school. It was too much fun.

"Aunt Tiffany" and "Uncle Creed" were so excited to meet Noah, as was their daughter Madi. She gave him this huge gift.

The first night, we walked around Old Towne a bit and then went to a delicious New Mexican restaurant. Creed and Ryan looks great in these hats, don't you think?

One night, Tiff insisted that we do a craft. Since I love crafts almost as much as I love board games, I jumped at the chance. Our friend Crescent, whose husband is also a UB Dental grad, joined us, and it was great to see her!

Tiff and I did a lot of what we do best: EATING. I love this girl, and I think we both look so lovely in this photo.

The highlight of the weekend was a beautiful hike to a place called "Tent Rocks." It was Noah's first hike, and he loved it!

The guys carried the babies, thank heaven.

We had a little too much fun taking these "Pride Rock" photos. We were all laughing and singing "The Circle of Life."

Ryan had to get back to Denver to work, so he drove home, and I stayed a few more days. Tiff and I hung out during the day with our kids, and at night, we went out on the town together, just like the old days--shopping and to dinner one night and then to a movie the next. It was wonderful! I miss my kindred spirits from our years in Buffalo.

Noah took his first plane trip to get home. He was an angel and slept the entire way.

What A Day

2011-09-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

This is my nephew Callum:

Darling, huh? Well his personality is darling too. He is friendly, affectionate, and smart. He hugs anyone, says that "Aunt Rachel" is his best friend, and rarely throws temper tantrums. Whenever he sees Noah, he says in an exuberant voice, "Hi, Baby Noah!" and insists on giving him a sloppy kiss.

Though he couldn't possibly be any sweeter, Callum can still be a handful because he has more energy than even your average 2.5-year-old.

I think I temporarily forgot that when I offered to run errands with him and Noah this morning. Cranky 7-week-old + Active 2.5-year-old + Multiple errands = Exhausting disaster.

My sister designs jewelry, and she has a big sale coming up this next weekend, so she asked if I could watch Callum this morning while she got some orders made. I agreed, but when I showed up at her house to pick him up, she said, "While you're gone, I'm going to run to the post office to mail a few of my orders and then to the muffin place because my groupon expires today."

"Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of me watching Callum so you can work on jewelry?" I asked. "We can run the errands while we're out."

She looked skeptical. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely," I insisted.

And so off we drove on our blissful little adventure. We rolled down the windows and looked at the trucks passing by. We sang "If You're Happy and You Know It." The skies were blue and a slight breeze was blowing...and then a cop pulled up behind me with his lights on.

Confused, I looked down at my spedometer. "I'm only going 43," I thought. "He must want me to pull over so he can pass by and continue on to an accident or something."

No such luck. As he was walking up to our car, Noah started screaming and Callum started yelling, "Hi, Policeman! Hi, Policeman!" I thought this might work in my favor, but the cop didn't even seem to notice.

"I thought the speed limit was 40," I said when he told me I'd been speeding.

"Yes, but this a school zone. So right now the speed limit is 30, and you were going 13 over."

I almost said the d-word, but I remembered that I had virgin ears in the backseat, so I refrained.

As we pulled away, a nice $100 ticket in hand, Noah seemed as upset about the ticket as I was--he started crying and didn't stop for the next hour. As much as I appreciated his empathy, I kind of wished he would stop.

Remember last summer when I got a speeding ticket on my way to church? And a year later, I'm getting a ticket as I try to do a favor for my sister?? It just isn't right.

So we continued on to the post office, and the line was massively long, so I decided to do the self-service station. Noah was screaming, and Callum was running around pulling envelopes off of the shelves. I told him to stop, so he started doing something else exciting--banging on the side of the counter. It was super loud, and everyone was staring, so I said, "Callum, please don't make a scene."

"But I need to make a scene, Aunt Rachel! I need to!" he insisted.

I shouldn't have laughed, but I couldn't help it. This kid is too much. I got him to come over and help me push the buttons on the self-service screen, but as soon as I put him down, he ran back to the counter and started banging, saying over and over, "I need to make a scene! I need to make a scene."

Well, you succeeded, Callum. We definitely made a scene!

So then it was on to the muffin shop. Callum helped me pick out the flavors of the muffins, and he said he wanted the chocolate one. I guess the lady behind the counter thought he meant immediately because she handed it to him while I was paying and didn't notice. (She obviously does not have children.) When I turned around, he was literally covered in chocolate, as was the floor all around him.

Noah was still crying.

I was planning to take them to the park afterward, but when the box of muffins spilled while I was buckling them into their carseats, I decided it was time to go home.

I have never been so exhausted.

My biggest question is...how do mothers of two children run errands??? How about three...four...five children?? Do they ever leave their houses?

I might not---at least not with Callum! :)

Update on my Life as a Housewife

2011-09-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

**Re: Cooking
   I read through an entire cookbook this week. I tried five of the recipes:

  1) Breadsticks. I was holding a fussy Noah as I tried to put these in the oven, and they fell off of the cookie sheet and onto the open oven door. I watched in horror as they started to slide toward the hot coils at the bottom of the oven. I handed Noah to Ryan, who was talking to a friend in the front room and was completely unaware of the disaster that was unfolding in the kitchen, and then I ran back to the oven and, using a spatula, rescued the breadsticks from certain death. Though they were deformed, they actually still tasted pretty good.

2) Corn Chowder. No major mishaps here, but it just didn't taste as good as I'd hoped.

3) Chicken Cordon Bleu. Took me two hours to make this (seriously??), but I think it might have been worth it for how good it tasted. This was one of my proudest moments as a housewife.

4) Brazilian Lemonade. This recipe requires pureeing sugar water and whole limes in the blender. You should've seen the mess I made. I think it took me two hours to clean it up and mop my floors.

5) Mango Avocado Salsa with Coconut Rice. The salsa turned out yummy (I had to read a tutorial on how to cut a mango--this has been a slimy and difficult job in the past--and the tutorial really helped). The problem arose when I went to make the rice. Hard to make coconut rice when you can't find the cans of coconut milk that you purchased. I don't know if I left them at the register at the grocery store or if I "put them away" somewhere in our kitchen and they will resurface in six months. If you know Rachel Westover Nielson, then you know that both of those scenarios are very serious possibilities. I am a bit flaky. Anyway, I was so mad when I couldn't find the coconut milk that I went and pouted in my bed and told Ryan that I want to give up on cooking forever. Dramatic? Yes.

**Re: The Mr.
   He is so busy at work--busier than he ever was in dental school. He gets up early and comes home late. When he's home, he loves to spend quality time with Noah:

When they're not snoozing, they like to go on evening walks:

This hat kills me.

*Re: The Little Mr.
He has peed on me twice and pooped on me once. He has spit up on me more times than I can count. Yet, I love him to bits, and I have to fight the urge every second to squeeze his precious little face vigorously. He is just that cute. The pics below were taken several weeks ago when he was still itty bitty. I feel like he's getting so big now. Yesterday, I was saying to him, "You're a real boy!" (Pinocchio, anyone?)

Bath by Grandma

He loves this little giraffe that makes "white noise."

I am enjoying my time at home with him. It has been an adjustment for me, as I've always been someone who likes to be busy and likes a schedule. Of course, I am still busy (busier than I thought I would be---who knew that such a little person could require so much attention?), but I am still trying to figure out meaningful routines for Noah and for me. We are getting the hang of it, slowly but surely.

Overall, life as a housewife is quite enjoyable.

On tonight's menu: Sweet and Sour Meatballs. I really am becoming domestic. I wonder how many more days it will last.

Cutest Boy EVER

2011-09-18T14:29:00.000-07:00

All dressed up in his church clothes

This is his half smile...we are still waiting to see his grin! Should be any day!

So concerned all of the sudden...:)

This one is probably my favorite.

I just love baby shoes...

Happy Autumn!!!

And now a word from our sponsors...

2011-09-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

**Please ignore the messy apartment and the dribble of spit-up coming out of the corner of Noah's mouth. Ryan clearly didn't notice that when he was taking the video. We are classy people.

The Trip Home--Noah's Adoption Story Part 6

2011-09-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned in a previous post, Noah and I had to wait to leave Utah until all of the legal paperwork cleared. Our caseworker said it could take anywhere from four days to four weeks. I prepared myself for the worst and brought everything Noah would need for the first month of his life with me when Ryan and I road tripped to Utah. In the end though, we got clearance to leave the state only four days after the adoption papers were signed! Hallelujah!

My little sister had come to Utah to spend the weekend with me and Noah, so she made the drive home to Colorado with me. It was way too much fun. I adore my little sis. We decided to do the trip in two days--to give Noah a little break halfway through and also to see our cousins in Grand Junction.

On our way out of town, we stopped in Provo so that my good friend Molly (who is about to graduate from BYU's photography program) could take Noah's pictures. The photos are amazing, and I will post them soon. Laura and I grabbed a J-Dawg on the way out if town (yummmmmm) and then started the trek east to Colorado.

Both days of the trip, Noah slept most of the way, but we did have to occasionally stop to change his diaper and give him a bottle. Is he precious or what??

"Mom, this is embarrassing." I may see this face for the rest of my life when I kiss him in public! :)

When my sisters and I were in college, whenever we drove to or from BYU for holiday breaks, we would stop and spend the night in Grand Junction with our LaBonde cousins. I have the most vivid memories of arriving to their house very late at night, only to be greeted by the entire family including the little kids. We'd stay up until all hours of the night, talking and laughing. Then Uncle Steve would suggest that we run into town to get Jack-N-The-Box tacos--so we'd all load up into his truck at 1 a.m. The LaBondes are always up for a party. On our way out to Utah to visit Katie in late July, Ryan and I stopped there, and they suggested we go swimming...at midnight. So we swam under the stars against the backdrop of the Colorado National Monument and had a cannon ball contest and sat in the hot tub until about 2 a.m. Perfect.

Two weeks later, when Laura and I arrived with Noah, we were greeted by an excited entourage:

Aunt Beth and Marcus

Jordan

Lauren

Uncle Steve

The next day, we intended to leave bright and early, but after a typical late night with the LaBos, we got going around noon. :)

Noah was tired from partying hard the night before

Stopping in Vail for dinner
I thought Noah's outfit was appropriate for a car trip (it had a car on it)

When we arrived home in Denver, we were greeted by this sight:

Sarah was just a little bit excited to meet her first nephew.

Aunt Sarah and Noah

Yes, my sister is insane. I love her.

Uncle Logan was pretty excited too.

Their son Callum was so excited to meet "Baby Noah" and share his toys. This is good practice for when he will have to start sharing with his own little brother or sister...in April! Yup, Sarah found out she is pregant the week that we adopted Noah. So exciting!

And Great Grammy and Grampy were waiting to welcome Noah to the family too!

They love their great grandsons!

"Oh woe is me...everyone stop giving me so much attention!"

Who do you think was most excited for Baby Noah to be home?

Ryan made Noah a sign for his bedroom door. He was so excited to have him home that he couldn't put him down, even when he was studying.

So there you have it. Noah's adoption story from start to finish--or is it from start to new beginning? Noah is now 38 days old and getting cuter and plumper and more alert by the minute. We love him more than words can say. I can't wait to see him smile...and then sit up...and then crawl...and then walk..and then get on the school bus to kindergarten...and then play on his first sports team...and then have his first crush...and then go to high school...and then graduate and go to college...and then meet the woman of his dreams...and then have his own children...I'm sure it will feel like he grew up that quickly when I look back in thirty years.

Noah--two weeks old
This boy will never grow up, right??

Life is so so good, and we are so so lucky to be Noah's parents.

So Many Visitors--Noah's Adoption Story Part 5

2011-09-03T00:24:00.000-07:00

In Noah's first few days of life, he had so many visitors!

Grandpa Nielson came to the hospital to meet him. At first, Noah seemed a little skeptical of Grandpa...

But then he warmed right up to him! :)

The night we brought Noah home from the hospital, Uncles Derek and Cole were waiting at the condo. It was quite late by the time we got there, but they didn't care--they were just anxious to meet their first nephew. They couldn't believe how tiny he was...and how soft his feet were. :)

Uncle Cole, Daddy Ry, Baby Noah, and Uncle Derek

Unfortunately, Ryan had to go back to work on Thursday, so he flew home to Denver. Luckily, Grandma Nielson and Aunt Ashley came to Salt Lake to help me with the baby for a few days.

Aunt Ashley is so pretty...and so happy to be holding her first nephew!

Finally a grandma!

Bath time with Grandma

Ashley made this onesie. :)

It just so happened that many of our best friends from Buffalo were in Utah the week that Noah was born, so they brought us dinner (so nice!) and got to meet him too (so fun!).

The Majeronis and the Daytons

Unfortunately, I didn't get a photo with the Hawes family, who were also in town from Buffalo and came to see Noah. They ended up helping me vacuum and clean the condo when I was scrambling to get on the road to Colorado--thank goodness for great friends.

My best friend from college got married in Utah that weekend, so she got to meet Noah briefly outside the Salt Lake temple, as did all of my college roommates who were in town for the wedding. I can't believe it was such good timing for so many of our dear friends to meet Noah before we took him home to Colorado. And that's not all!...my freshman dorm R.A. (who is still a dear friend) came to visit Noah, as did one of my best friends from my freshman hallway with her mom. It was truly touching that so many people were so excited for us.

My extended family was all together at a family reunion in Oregon the first week of August, so they sent Noah a special message from the beach:

"We love Noah..." Look closely in the sand. :)

After the reunion was over, my dad and my sister Laura flew from Oregon to Salt Lake to spent the weekend with Noah and to help me.

My dad would always say, "He a hunchback." :)

Dad was forced to sleep in the pretty princess pink bed the entire weekend...so funny.

Ryan decided to fly back to Salt Lake on Friday night to spend a few days with Noah. He couldn't stay away. It was his birthday on Saturday, and he said the only thing that he wanted was to hold his son...how could I deny him that, no matter the price of a last-minute plane ticket?

Throughout the course of the week, we were also lucky enough to spend some time with Katie and Drew. They came to the condo twice to see Noah, and then we took Noah to see them at their homes the night before we left town.

Drew showed up wearing his "twinner" Vans. Can't wait until Noah can wear his pair!

So many people love Noah! And this was only the beginning...much of my family was in Colorado anxiously awaiting our arrival there...which will be the topic of my next post! :)