To my precious body,
Oh my dear one—we have been on a journey together, haven’t
we? Together every day, every step of
the way. Truly, of everyone in this
world—of all of my kindreds, my friends and family whom I’ve tried to describe
my struggles and my battles to—no one really
understands. No one has felt it all
and experienced it all with me. No one
but you.
You have suffered with me, borne my griefs for me,
willingly, when I couldn’t. When my
heart was breaking as I watched my mother disappear, you let me try to
disappear too—and you let me pound you into the gravel of the running path each
morning and you let me try to starve the ache away. Even when I wasn’t caring for you, you were
caring for me—sustaining me, keeping me on my feet, keeping my heart beating.
I wish that I had cared for you too. But the pain was so deep, so biting, that I
didn’t even know I was carrying it.
After years of loss and grief from the time I was a little girl, it’s
like I didn’t know how to care for you.
And I didn’t even notice that you were caring for me.
I pressed on in my habits of too much and too little. I stuffed you, I punished you, I even blamed
you. It’s not my fault—I didn’t know how
to cope with my grief any differently—but all the while, you were my
ever-patient friend, adjusting for the fluctuations, keeping me going, staying
with me, doing your best to not run out of energy—believing in me and that I
would eventually come to a place where I was ready to listen. Knowing that day would come.
My dear body, you’ve been so faithful. And I know you’re tired. It’s becoming evident from the ways you’re
acting lately. But I’m not angry. You’ve done such a good job of taking care of
me these past 15 years. You’ve been
there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, and I am so
grateful. Thank you. Thank you for being the other half of my
soul. Now it’s my turn to take care of
you. I think I’m finally ready.
I love you. And I
want to do so much better at listening.
It’s going to take time for me to learn how, to get to know you
again—but it’s what I want. It’s what I
promise.
You can trust me now.
I am here. I am listening.
Let’s take care of each other.
Rachel
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