My Best Marriage Advice after Ten Years

When Ryan and I were in Mexico celebrating our 10th anniversary, we started chatting with a honeymooning couple one evening, and they asked if we had any marriage advice for them.  Unprepared for such an important question, we mumbled through something lame--and then all four of us laughed about how we had no wisdom to share.

But the other day as I was cruising in the mini van, singing at the top of my lungs to Adele's new CD, I suddenly knew what my marriage advice would be.  And since I can't go back in time and share it with those eager newlyweds, I will share it with all 12 of my blog readers (and by extension, my children, who I hope will read this someday).

My advice was inspired by Adele's new romantic ballad, "Remedy."  Part of the chorus goes like this:

"When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

That I will be your remedy..."

It's a beautiful song and a beautiful sentiment--

But it's false.  And ridiculous.  And I have a few things I want to say about it. 

No one person in this world can be your remedy.  Not your spouse, your best friend, your mother, your baby--no one.  These important people can certainly fill a dark day with a little more joy, but they cannot be the remedy that cures all pain and sadness in your life.

Early on in my marriage, I think I expected Ryan to "complete me."  I think I felt frustrated when he said something insensitive, or didn't seem to notice my bad mood, or just fell short of the expectations that I had from too many years of watching chick-flicks and listening to romantic songs.

He's a human.  He's not a cure-all, or a mind-reader, or a savior, or a remedy. He's a flawed, ever-learning human, just like me.

And beyond that, life is hard.  Pain and heartache will come, regardless of how much you love your spouse and want to protect them from it.  Adele goes on to sing, "Come whatever, I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through."  Sorry, Adele--the rain is going to come through no matter what you do for your man. It seems like you should promise to sit by him in the downpour and hold an umbrella, instead of promising that your love will keep the storms away.

I should clarify that my criticism is not really of Adele, and I still love the song and belt it out whenever I am in the car.  The song just got me thinking, and I wanted to add a different image to this conversation about how spouses can support each other amid the heartaches of life.

A few years ago, I read a blog post about parenting that has stayed with me ever since.  The author shared a beautiful quote that is actually about grief, not parenting--but it is widely applicable to so many situations and relationships in life:

".... Grief is a lowly, deep, and violent wound, and the pain so exquisite that every kindness has the potential to be, not consolation for such loss, but perhaps acushion against the writhing."

The image of being a "cushion against the writhing" took my breath away.  To be there for someone.  To sit with them.  Not to take away their pain or be a consolation for their loss, but to merely sit with them as they writhe.  To metaphorically put their head on your shoulder and stroke their hair, hold them close, be a soft place for them to land.

This is what we can do for our spouses--for any person in life whom we love.  In the original blog post, the author wrote about being this person for her children--to lighten their load and help them along, even when she can't solve all of their problems for them.

I have thought about this image when I rock my sick baby in the middle of the night.  I can't take her cough away, but I can be a warm body to lean on.

I have thought about this image when I have spent the day making freezer meals with my sister who struggles with debilitating depression.  I can't take her illness away, but I can make her happy for a few hours, as we laugh and work together.  And when, on a particularly low day, she can't face the task of cooking dinner,  she will have a stocked freezer to fall back on.

I can't solve all of the problems of the people I love--but I can do something.  And it makes a difference, if only for a moment.

In marriage, so often I would like to be Ryan's remedy--his happily-ever-after, his happily-ever-everything.  And I can take it personally when I'm not.  Even with a practically perfect wife like me (wink), he still has grumpy days and disappointments, and I can't expect that every moment of our married life will be bliss.

Similarly, I often would like him to be my remedy and know the perfect thing to say or do to take away my pain.  But I've learned that I need to tell him what I need and ask for help.  And if I hold onto the delusion that he is going to "complete me" and make everything all better all the time, I will be dissatisfied with my marriage.

He will never be the one-and-only cure to all of my heartache--but so often he is a cushion against my writhing.  And that is what makes me love him so much. 

The other day, I was feeling really depressed.  As I've mentioned, my anxiety is flaring up right now, and I felt so lonely being home with the kids, so overwhelmed by the mess, the hamster wheel of parenting, the never-ending to-dos.  I texted Ryan and told him how low I was feeling.  I will admit that I often send him whiny texts while he is at work (which is a terrible habit that should be the subject of another blog post--ha!). In response to these texts Ryan usually just says, "Sorry, Babe" or sometimes responds with infuriating questions from the personal development books that he is reading, such as, "Is that a fixed mindset or a growth mindset?" (Curse you, self-help books!)  But on this day, he really heard me.  He could sense my desperation. 

So that evening while I was gone for youth group at church, he looked around and found ways that he could soften my writhing.  I had been taking down Christmas decorations that day, and when he saw the boxes, he finished packing them up and put them back out in the garage.  I had intended to vacuum our bedroom, which was littered with paper dots from Sally dumping our three-hole punch, but I had only gotten as far as taking the vacuum into our room before I had been interrupted by a little one in need.  Ryan saw it there and did the vacuuming himself, as well as folding the two baskets of clean laundry that I'd asked him to fold before I left for the evening.

I came home to a clean house, a much shorter to-do list, and the knowledge that my husband hears me, cares about me, and is on my team.  Can he take away my anxiety?  No.  And I don't expect him to.  But just those small gestures of love meant the world to me.

So my marriage advice to those newlyweds in Mexico is this: Look for opportunities to be a "cushion against the writhing" for your spouse.  Consciously make life a little easier, a little brighter for them every day.  Heartaches will come no matter how much you love each other, and it is dangerous to expect that either of you is going to be able to cure everything all the time.  Forgive each other when you say the wrong thing.  Ask your spouse for what you need, instead of expecting him/her to read your mind.  If you eagerly serve and stand by each other, you will have a love story that is even better than the movies.

This photo was taken on the evening of Ryan's and my anniversary.  I had gotten all dressed up for an evening on the town (curled my hair and everything!), and I was giving instructions to the babysitter when Sally suddenly barfed all over me.  Ryan rushed her to the sink, where she continued to puke all over him.  It was so awesome and exactly what we had pictured for our anniversary night! ;)

 

So we sent the babysitter home, changed into sweatpants, ate the pizza we'd ordered for the kids, and cleaned up vomit, side-by-side.  It was not exactly a romantic date, but hey--there is no one else I would rather clean up barf with than Ryan!

Marriage is so good.  Ryan is my best friend.  And that has only happened because he has been there for me, by my side, in good times and bad--not as the perfect remedy for every situation, but simply as a soft place to land.

Here's to another ten years of growing and learning--and, above all, being there for each other through all sorts of writhings.

Top 10 of our 10th Wedding Anniversary Trip to Mexico!

At the beginning of November, Ryan and I went to Puerto Vallarta to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary (which isn't until December 28th, but you go when the deals are good and the childcare is available!). 

It was heaven.  Can I please go back tomorrow?  Seriously a perfect trip from beginning to end, and I just love spending time with Ryan.  I am so glad I married him--best decision of my life.  Second best decision was going on this trip.  (Just kidding!  That would have to be becoming parents--or maybe buying a mini-van...it's a toss up!)

People were so shocked when we told them it was our tenth anniversary.  One lady asked if we got married when we were 12.  I told her, "Basically!" Ha! Even though we were young when we got married (21 and 23), it was the right decision, for sure.  And it was so fun to go away and celebrate, kid-free for a week!  We had never been on a relaxing, tropical vacation together, and I will be forever grateful to our parents for watching the kids so we could make it happen.  My dad came to Twin Falls and stayed with them for the first few days, and then my mother-in-law took over for the rest of the week.  We are truly indebted. 

So here are my Top 10 of our 10th Anniversary Trip, in no particular order:

1. The Sunsets

The sunsets over the ocean were completely incredible, and we made sure to watch them every night, whether it was from the beach near our hotel (swimming at sunset--could anything be more romantic?), the boardwalk in town (with my head on Ryan's shoulder), or the rooftop infinity pool at our hotel (with pina colada in hand--heaven!).

 

I have become sentimental about sunsets lately.  In the book Hands Free Mama, the author talks about "sunset moments," those simple but beautiful moments in life that are happening each and every day, but unless we are present and aware of them, we will miss them.  Did you know that the sun sets every night?  And many of those sunsets are awesome, no matter where you are in the world, and yet we are often so busy that we miss them.  I would like to make it a goal to watch more sunsets in my daily life.  Even though it's not over the ocean, we have some incredible sunsets in Idaho, with the big, open sky.  I think nature is a beautiful reminder of God's love for us.  He has given sunsets to all of us, everywhere.

 

This is what I thought about when I was in Mexico on vacation, with my head on Ryan's shoulder, my hand in his.  A little harder to do when I'm home at the "witching hour" of the evening when the kids are hungry and cranky and all hell is breaking loose.  But I want to remember!  Maybe I need to run outside and watch the sunset if things inside the house are getting too crazy!

The sunrises in Mexico were also awesome, and we caught a few of them (when we weren't sleeping in) and even ate room service breakfast on our balcony while watching the sun peak out through the clouds.  Nature is just so spectacular.

 

 

2. The Hotel

And speaking of spectacular, can we talk about this hotel for a second?  Oh my gosh, it was a destination in and of itself.  Truly we hardly had to leave the resort in order to have the trip of a lifetime.  A friend recommended the hotel and sent me the link to an incredible deal for it.  November is considered the "off season" in Mexico, so to stay at this five-star resort, we paid about what we would pay to stay in a La Quinta in the United States. Amazing!!

 

It had a lovely private beach with included snorkeling, paddle boards, and kayak tours to the nearby Los Arcos landmark.  There was also a guided hike to a waterfall in the nearby jungle, and we got to jump in and swim in the cool river water.  Ryan even did a little cliff jumping.

 

Our room was so beautiful that we could have just stayed in there all day and felt like we were in the lap of luxury.  Honestly, it was so chique that we felt a little awkward about it: we are not cool enough to be staying in such a hipster place with iPad controlled surround sound stereo and curtains and super modern decor. ;)  Although maybe I could get used to having a vanity fit for a Queen to get ready at each day.

 

And the view.  Oh the view!  We had a corner room with a panoramic view of the ocean and a huge balcony with a hammock and a hot tub.  I mean, just ridiculous.

And to top it all off (pun intended), the highest floor of the hotel was an infinity pool overlooking the ocean.   This was just a slightly beautiful and relaxing place to hang out.  Just slightly.

 

3. The Restaurants

In addition to the gorgeous setting and rooms, the hotel had several on-site restaurants that were truly delicious.  We had amazing steaks, seafood, fajitas, breakfast buffets, pina coladas (every single day), and desserts.  The chocolate volcano cake will linger in my dreams for months, I'm sure.

 

 

 

The dinners were really fancy, and it was fun to get dressed up on occasion.  And let me just say, for someone who truly detests all things cooking (from meal-planning, to grocery shopping, to actual food prep), I think one of my favorite parts of the trip was not having to give one thought to cooking for an entire week.  Three times a day, we would say, "Hmmm, we're hungry.  Let's order something delicious and have it brought to us."  Do I look happy in this photo, sitting by the pool after just finishing a romantic and delicious dinner with my hubby?  Because I was!

4. The Conversations

Our meals at the restaurants were long and leisurely, and I loved that Ryan and I found so much to talk about. He has been taking some online business classes and has been reading tons of interesting personal development books over the past few months, and I love the way that it has beefed up our date-night conversations.  He will tell me about the books he's been reading, and then we will discuss how the ideas apply to our life.  We will dream and plan together.  It is super fun--way more fun than talking about our kids' sleep schedules and behavior problems.  It's so easy to fall into the habit of only talking about our kids when we are together, but honestly, on this anniversary trip, we hardly talked about them at all. We missed them, of course (a little, and only by the last day--ha!), but we really reconnected as a couple, and it was perfect.

5. The Spa

Just when you think the hotel can't get any better, it does.  One of the top floors of the hotel was a spa with an insane view of the ocean.  When we booked a couples massage, we also got access to their hydrotherapy circuit which included the steam room, sauna, cold pressure shower, hot tub, ice plunge, and massage pool.  I've never done anything like the hydrotherapy before, and it was the coolest experience--a definite highlight of the trip for both of us, made even better by the fact that we had an open-air sweeping view of the bay the entire time.  Ridiculous.

 

 

 

6. The Zipline Tour

We actually did tear ourselves away from that amazing hotel for a few day trips, and a zipline tour in the Sierra Madre mountains was awesome.  The tour company drove us into the mountains in open-air trucks, and it was an experience to bounce through those bumpy, washed out back roads and watch the local people heading to school and work in their small towns.

Then we rode up the mountain on donkeys.  When the tour guide handed each of us our donkey, he said that he had chosen them for us based on our personalities, and we all laughed because clearly this man had known us for all of five minutes.  But I started to think that there was truth to the guide's joke when I saw how our burros performed on the mountain: mine crawled along at a snail's pace, literally huffing and puffing up the hill (is it normal for a donkey to huff??), and Ryan's raced to the front of the group and sped up the mountain with ease.  His got to the top of the mountain first, and mine nearly collapsed over the finish line several yards behind everyone else.  Ha! 

 

We started at the top of the mountain and did ten different ziplines down through the jungle canopy.  What a rush!  Even my quiet husband was hooting and hollering.

 

  

We rappelled down two waterfalls and went down a couple of water slides.  It was high-adventure for sure and super fun.

 

 

 

 

I loved being in the jungle and witnessing such astonishing beauty.  It was kind of mind-blowing and hard to take it all in, especially as we rushed from one thrill ride to the next.  It made me want to go for a nice slow hike with just Ryan and sit in the quiet and look around.  We were able to do that a few days later when we visited the Vallarta Botanical Gardens, but nothing compared to the beauty of that zipline tour through the jungle!

7. The Throwback to our Life Pre-Children

Going to the Botanical Gardens for a spur-of-the-moment daytrip made me feel like we were newlywed college students again, adventuring across Central America.  As we walked down the dirt road into the Botanical Gardens, I suddenly felt like we were walking down the dirt road leading to the orphanage in El Salvador.  The vegetation and climate seemed so similar to me, and it made me feel nostalgic and in-love with Ryan all over again. We had lunch at the museum overlooking the jungle, and then we went for a little hike.  It was just a really pleasant afternoon.

 

One aspect of this trip that I truly loved was reverting back to the freedom that we felt in our relationship  before we had children.  Want to throw our stuff in backpacks, hop in a cab, and go to the Botantical Gardens for lunch?  Sure, let's do it.  No diaper bag, no carseats, no nap schedules, and no whining children.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade our kiddos for anything in the world.  They have done so much to enrich our relationship and teach us about love, patience, God, and each other.  But it is a big responsibility to care for little people.  There's just a lot to think about and a lot to do, and we can't be as carefree and spontaneous in our marriage as we were before Noah and Sally entered our lives.  So it was a really refreshing break to have no responsibilities and no one to care for other than each other for a week.

8. The Boat Ride under the Stars

One evening, we went on a boat ride out to a torch lit island to have dinner and watch a Cirque-du-Solei type of show.  I love riding on boats.  The dinner by torchlight on the beach and the beautiful dancing show were awesome, but I loved the boat ride even more.  There is just something so magical and calming to me about being out in the open water, the wind in my face, the boat swaying, the stars overhead.  There were about 100 people on our catamaran boat, but on the way home, we snagged the best spot right at the front of the boat, laid back to watch the stars, and sang our hearts out to the music that was playing on the speakers.  I'll never forget jamming with Ryan to "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran on a boat in the middle of the bay: "Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars, place your head on my beating heart...Darling, we found love right where we are." Perfect.

9. The Ocean

I love being in the ocean.  I loved snorkeling with Ryan, holding hands and letting the tides just carry us along as we floated, pointing things out to each other when we spotted something interesting.  We didn't have a super beautiful spot for snorkeling, and we never saw tons of colorful fish, but being in the ocean was such a treat.  The hotel was sheltered from big waves, and it was just so calming.

And of course being on the beach is as good as being in the water.  I loved lounging in the warm sun, reading a book or listening to a podcast.  One of my favorite memories from the whole trip happened when I was reading something aloud to Ryan on the beach.  It was a serious topic, and I mispronounced one of the words and then made fun of myself for it, and we both started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop.  I don't think I've laughed with him like that for months, maybe even years.  The best.

Here we are heading down to the beach from our hotel room, looking rather matchy and loving it.  And once we made it to the beach, we always ordered our twinner pina coladas.  The waiters thought our request for no alcohol was super bizarre, until I reminded them that we were 12-year-old newlyweds, and then they understood. ;)

 

10. The Company

My very favorite part of the trip was enjoying the company of my husband.  Ten years later, and I love and respect him even more than I did on the day I married him.  He has been by my side through all sorts of ups and downs over the past decade, and there is no question in my mind that he will stay by my side through anything, come what may.

As I have mentioned before on this blog, I often have irrational worries about health, and Ryan is so patient to just calmly talk me through it.  I had a freak-out moment on the trip where I started worrying that I have MS (don't ask--I am a nutcase), so of course I did what any logical person does when diagnosing themselves with a disease: I started looking up stuff online.  This made me even more convinced that I had MS, and then I started worrying about some of our friends and loved ones that suffer from that debilitating disease, and I genuinely felt so sad for them and so worried for me.  I knew I was being crazy, but sometimes my mind just works like this.

Ryan lovingly teased me a little and got me laughing at myself, and then he said, "Rachel, if you have MS, we will figure it out and work through it.  Please don't worry about that right now."  I said, almost tearfully, "And you will help me?  You will help me if I have MS?"  And with us both laughing, he hugged me tight and said, "Of course I will!"

In that moment, I realized just how lucky I am.  I have a man who loves me in spite of all my weird quirks.  He thinks I'm cute and knows how to make me laugh when I am being irrational. And I do know that he would stay by my side and help me with anything that I face in life, which is a true, true comfort.

For the record, I don't have MS (since I know you were all just as concerned and convinced as I was, ha!), but I'm a little bit glad that I had that paranoid moment on the trip because it reminded me of how blessed I am to have Ryan.  And how blessed I am to have my health.  And how blessed I am to have so much abundance in my life.  

I am beyond grateful to have been able to go on the trip of a lifetime with my true love, and so beyond grateful to have been able to return home to these two little urchins who had a great time with their grandparents while we were away--and who loved their Mexican souvenirs.  Truthfully, I don't think they even missed us.

  

 

It's been a beautiful ten years, and I can't wait to see what the next ten hold for us!

Sometimes Ryan and I Fight

In contrast to the sappy love letter that I posted last week, I want to admit something upfront to all blog readers: Sometimes Ryan and I fight.

Shocking, right? ;)

We don't fight often, but it does happen on occasion.  I think it happens less often now than it did a few years ago.  The first few years of our marriage, we didn't really fight because we were in total honeymoon phase (um, Ryan got up early every morning to iron my skirt and make me breakfast...?????); then we started to notice each other flaws and weren't mature enough yet to let them go; and then I read this book, which has a terrible title and cover art but truly helped with a lot of my control issues; and now we are in a comfortable phase of our marriage where I feel like we really "get" each other and have both learned enough about marriage/life to know that most things aren't worth fighting over.

But fights do still break out on occasion, as I'm sure they will for decades to come.

Marriage is just like that.  I wouldn't say marriage is hard--I would say it is awesome.  But just like everything else in life that's worth doing, it takes constant effort and tweaking and soul-searching and deciding to put forth the energy to make it great.

To that end, my friend Celeste recently started a marriage blog with her husband, Rich.  They are both so funny, creative, and insightful--and completely devoted to each other and their children.  What I admire most about them is how much fun they have together.  They recently performed a lip synch to Donny and Marie Osmond's 1976 Christmas Special at their church holiday party.  I think this photo will say it all about these two (and I must confess, I stole this photo without permission from Facebook--it's just too great not to share).

Do you believe me now when I say that you should subscribe to their marriage blog because you will be entertained (and also enlightened--I promise)?  Go and do it.

Today, as part of an awesome series on "confronting infertility in your marriage," they asked me to guest post with my advice on how to take care of yourself, your spouse, and your marriage while going through infertility...and I start my article by relating an epic fight that Ryan and I once had.  So if you are interested in less sap and more reality from me, click on over to their blog and read what I have to say here.

And here's a teaser just to get you hooked:

"I wish I could remember what the fight was about.  But as is usually the case with marital tiffs that escalate into blowups, the details of how it all started are foggy to me now.  

What I do remember clearly is that we were in the car on our way to a BBQ at a friend’s house—that I picked the fight and wouldn’t let it go—and that my quiet, sweet, even-tempered husband dropped me off in front of our friend’s house and drove away.  

I felt sick as I watched him speed off, knowing that I had pushed him too far.  I also knew that he would be back in a few minutes, but I still felt sad and alone and confused."

To find out how this argument resolved go to "'Joy Will Return': Taking Care of Yourself, Your Spouse, and Your Marriage During Infertility" at I Believe in a Thing Called Love blog...

Let me know what you think!

Love Letter: The Other Half of You

Ry,

I am feeling frazzled today.  The house is a disaster, and I can’t finish any of the tasks I start—because Noah needs breakfast, the baby wails if she’s not held, the doorbell rings and I am not dressed, a refrigerator repairman is waiting on the doorstep…

I am in the midst of making muffins for a friend who is pregnant and sick, decorating for Christmas, writing a guest post for a friend’s marriage blog, planning dinner, doing laundry…

I feel stressed and a little discouraged—and yet, I keep thinking of something that you said yesterday when you were holding Sally: “How can we freeze time?”

I know you were referring more to the adorable stage that she is in right now than the chaos of our current existence, but your words keep coming back to me today and reminding me that this phase of our life is precious.  Chaos, certainly—but precious chaos.  Thank you for everything you do for me to make the mayhem more manageable.  I don’t know what I would do without you. 

I chatted with a college student the other day on the plane home from Denver.  Somehow this small-talk with a stranger turned into a two-hour heart-to-heart (LOL…I am ridiculous), and he told me that he has a girlfriend but he just can’t imagine getting married anytime soon.

I told him that was obviously a decision to make very slowly and deliberately (the most important decision of his entire life!), but that I fear the young people of today’s world are afraid of marriage and commitment.  I told him that I got married at his age, and I have never regretted it for a moment.  “Marriage, kids, family life—it is amazing,” I told him. “When you marry your best friend, it is all amazing.”

And I meant that.  I wouldn’t trade a moment of my life with you.

We are coming up on nine years of marriage this month, so maybe that’s why all of this has been on my mind, but I discovered a beautiful love song today and it made me think of what we have together.  I think I had heard the song before, but I didn’t realize it was a love song (it is up-tempo, which is unusual for a romantic song), and I had never really listened to the words before.  When I did, it made me think of where we started as those young, college-aged newlyweds and where we are today:

“We are not perfect, we’ll learn from our mistakes,

But as long as it takes, I will prove my love to you.

I am not scared of the elements, I am underprepared

But I am willing

And even better—

I get to be the other half of you.

Tell the world that we finally got it all right,

I choose you.

I will become yours and you will become mine,

I choose you...

My whole heart will be yours forever,

This is a beautiful start

To a lifelong love letter…”

I am grateful beyond words for you—and that I get to be the other half of you.  How lucky am I??

Come home soon and snuggle me.

xo

Your Wife

Then

Now

Ry Guy

**Yesterday was Ryan's birthday, which means it's time for a blog tribute!  I decided that I would post the letter that I wrote to him on the night of his graduation from residency five weeks ago.  It captures some of the reasons why I love this man so much and am so grateful for him!

Babe,

You did it.  I am so proud of you.  You worked your way through 11 years of post high school education.  You went from confused college student who didn’t know what to study, to diligent dental student who was hoping to possibly specialize in pediatrics, to stressed out pedo resident who was just trying to get through each day with your demanding boss, to qualified pediatric dentist who is going to be so patient and compassionate to all of the kids who sit in your chair every day!

I know you feel like you still have a long way to go, but look at how far you’ve already come!  I can’t wait to embark on this next phase of the journey with you.  I think you are really going to find your groove as a pediatric dentist, and I think it is going to be a career that you love.  I am proud of you, and I am excited for you!!  Thank you for working so hard to get your advanced education so you can support our family and contribute to our community.  I think you are pretty amazing.

When I ponder back on the past two years, what immediately comes to mind, even more than your residency, is the addition of Noah to our family.  It’s crazy to think that Noah arrived right at the beginning of this challenging opportunity in your life—and now he is a smart, spunky, adorable almost two year old.

I know you sometimes feel like you didn’t do enough in your role as a pediatric resident and an Elder’s Quorum president these past two years—but I want you to know that in your role as a father, you smashed it out of the park.  Really.  You are the most loving, hands-on, involved, fun, patient dad a little boy could ask for.

It wasn’t possible for you to fulfill all of your many roles perfectly—and I, for one, am glad that you chose to put your very best efforts toward fatherhood.  As you put your family first, everything else somehow worked out.  I know you felt frazzled, inadequate, and overwhelmed much of the time, but somehow everything got done, and at the end of it all, you have the same specialty degree as everyone else in your program, and, most importantly, you have an incredibly close relationship with your son.  Thank you for putting him first.  Thank you for loving fatherhood so much that it was easy to put him first. 

 

I also want to thank you for always being there for me.  These past two years have been difficult for me at times—with a colicky baby, counseling for an eating disorder, and fertility-related illnesses and surgery—but you were there for me through it all.  You never criticized me when you got home from work and the apartment was a disaster and there was no food in the house for dinner.  You never commented on my weight gain or my strange food binges. Even after a busy day at work, you were willing to put Noah to bed and help me clean up the house.

There were times during the course of your residency when I felt distant from you because you were so busy and we lived such different daily lives, and yet somehow you remained my confidant and closet friend through it all.  I remember when we were dating, I gave you a card with a picture of a stone on the front that said, “You are my rock…” and then when you opened it up, it said, “Only cuter.”  It’s true: You have always been my rock (my dang cute rock!), and I truly don’t know what I would do without you.  Thank you for giving of your precious time these past two years to support and love me.

So onto the next adventure, huh?  I am excited.  I am excited to see you grow and thrive in your career; I am excited to have you home more often; I am excited that you will no longer have to deal with a mean boss; I am excited to live closer to your family and to witness the happiness that they always bring out in you;  I am excited to go shopping for a couch and maybe even a queen-sized bed together; I’m excited to find fun things to do in Idaho; and, of course, I’m excited to hopefully add another baby to our family sometime in the near future. :)

Life is good—and you are the very best part of my life.  Thank you for being you and for loving me and Noah so much.  I feel so blessed that we get to take this life journey together.

Congratulations on your graduation from residency. What a huge accomplishment, Ryan.  You have worked so hard and learned so much and made amazing friendships along the way.  I am so proud of you.

I love you more than you will ever know,

Your Wife