I started a podcast!

Hello, friends.  It's been a long time since you've heard from me.  I have been pouring every spare moment into a passion project that I am super excited about. 

After over a year of thinking about it, I decided to finally just do it, and I started a podcast for moms! It is called 3 in 30 Takeaways for Moms because each 30-minute episode includes three doable takeaways for moms to try with their kids that week. 

It has been so much work!  Much more than I expected it to be, honestly.  But it's also super exciting and gives me a little spring in my step.  It is really fulfilling to me to teach and to share strategies, tools, and solutions.  Plus it just feels so good to actually follow through on a big goal that I set.  It makes me feel more confident in every area of my life.  (Does that make sense?)

I record in my closet, where the sound is supposedly better (very classy and professional), and then I edit the podcasts and get them posted to my website, iTunes, Stitcher and other apps, and social media.  It's definitely a part-time job, but so far I am loving it. 

I'm on my fourth week, and we've already had some awesome topics and guests.  Check it out:

 

And actually my very favorite episode is the Intro episode because I get to talk about the arrivals of my miracle babies and the inspiration for the podcast.  I just love these two little miracles!

I would love it if you followed along!  The website is 3in30podcast.com, and you can stream any of the episodes directly from there.  You can also subscribe within any podcast app, that way you never miss an episode.  Just open the app and search "3 in 30 Takeaways for Moms" and it should come up.  Then hit "Subscribe."

I've been really active on Instagram, posting follow-up tips and videos after each episode, so find me there as well!  My handle is the same everywhere: 3in30podcast.

So what does this mean for the ol' family blog?  Truthfully, I don't know yet.  I haven't blogged consistently in over a year, but it's hard for me to say I'm letting it go completely because I do still feel like it's so important for my kids' lives to be chronicled.  (I've actually already devoted an entire podcast to that topic.)  I use Chatbooks, but not for everything, and I just love writing lots of details about their personalities and milestones.  I think if I could manage my time better, it could be doable to do both, but thus far, I have been so consumed by the podcast that everything else (including cooking meals and cleaning the house) is on the back burner.  I am praying everything will normalize soon and so it doesn't feel like so much work.

But in the meantime, I am enjoying the feeling of reaching a goal and working toward something great.  And I would especially love it if some of you readers found me on the podcast!

They Said I Might Have a Brain Tumor...

This fall, I started noticing weird problems with my vision--not so much so that I was super concerned, but enough that I took note.  It was just sorta blurry around the edges of my vision and something was a little off.

"My prescription must be changing," I thought.  "I might need to call for an eye exam."

I was noticing other things too.  I was having really frequent headaches.  I found myself popping ibuprofen most days, sometimes multiple times a day.

"I'm a busy, tired mom who doesn't take good care of myself," I reasoned.  "I just need to get more sleep and drink more water."

But then it was weird stuff like dizziness and pressure changes when I stood up--the world would go sorta dark for a moment.  And I felt pain behind my eyes, in my eye sockets, a lot of the time.

"Do I have sinuses right above my eyes?" I asked Ryan one morning (because obviously a dentist would know this...ha!).  "I feel like I have clogged sinuses right in the back of my eye sockets!"

He sorta shrugged and left for work, probably thinking his wife was insane.  Which I am.  I am definitely a hypochondriac, so I can't take myself too seriously when I have medical concerns, and neither can he.

So I just kind of ignored all of these weird things, but then one afternoon I decided to call the eye doctor about the blurry vision stuff, and when I started describing all of the other symptoms, they said I should come in right away--which honestly surprised me.  And worried me a little.

So I zipped right in there, and sure enough, when the doctor looked in my eyes, it was what he suspected: my optic nerves were extremely swollen.  This can be a sign of two things: Idiopathic Intracranical Hypertension (IIH) or a brain tumor.

He assured me right away that it looked like a textbook case of IIH, which is basically unexplained increased pressure in the skull.  It causes extreme headaches, and it pushes on the optic nerves which causes vision problems, and if it goes untreated, it can cause loss of vision and eventual blindness (horrifying!!).  But it is treatable, and we had caught it early enough that my vision hadn't been compromised.  (See! It pays to be a hypochondriac!)

But since all of the symptoms also mimic a brain tumor, obviously they had to rule that out immediately.  I was scheduled to see a neurologist and set up for an MRI and a spinal tap.  Just a tad overwhelming, particularly for a girl whose mother died of cancer.

I drove home in a tearful blur.  When I pulled into the driveway, the kids were playing outside with Ryan, and Sally ran up to the van calling, "Mommy!  Mommy!" and waving with such delight, and I just lost it.

In my heart, I didn't think I had a brain tumor--but all of the sudden, life just felt so fragile.  I just cried and cried thinking, What if I did have a tumor?  What if I got cancer and had to leave her?  Or what if I lost my vision and couldn't see her anymore?  What if I couldn't see that sweet face and that little dimple and that twinkle in her eye?

Sometimes life just feels heavy.  This year has been heavy.  With my sister's extreme depression (she has been doing Electro Convulsive Therapy since the summer, and it has been so difficult), Katie and Drew's divorce, and now this sudden diagnosis...it just felt like, what's next??

The next few weeks were rough.  The MRI was so hard for me with my anxiety--the enclosed space, the loud noises while in the tube, the expectation to lie perfectly still, the fear of what they would find in the scans.  Right when the MRI tech put me in the tube, I actually panicked and asked him to pull me back out so I could take a Xanax.  Not even kidding!  (Remember the Xanax that I didn't take on the airplane to South Africa??  Hahaha!)

Then the spinal tap...NOT comfortable.  These past few years when I have found myself in hospital beds for my various fertility issues, getting poked and prodded, I find myself feeling this resigned sort of patience and humility, but also this sadness and lack of humanity almost.  And I always think of my mom and wonder how on earth she did it for so long.

Fortunately, the scans came back clear--I don't have a brain tumor.  So thankful!!!!  But the IIH isn't a picnic.  They think the pressure in my skull has been building over time for a couple of years.  So it's going to take a while for the pressure to come down with medication.

As grateful as I am for modern medicine, this is a devil drug.  It makes me nauseous and extremely fatigued.  I often fall asleep with Noah at 8:30 p.m. and sleep through the night--for a night owl like me, that is unheard of.  And even after all that sleep, I never feel rested.  I am always so tired.

The medicine also makes me feel anxious and depressed.  I have not been myself lately, which is so hard.  I always struggle with anxiety and depression this time of year, but the medicine has made it even worse.  The months of November and December were a bit of a blur, as I tried to do the holidays, the fundraiser for South Africa, and motherhood/ life while my body adjusted to the drug.

The good news is, they don't think I will have to take it forever.  Despite the crummy medicinal side effects, the condition itself is responding well to the medicine, and the pressure inside my skull seems to be decreasing.  My optic nerves are less swollen, and probably by summer I can try weaning off of it and see if the pressure in my skull stays down.

Unfortunately, we can't try to have another baby for probably another year to make sure that things stay stable (we were hoping to do IVF again this month, but that is obviously on hold indefinitely), so that was super disappointing--but I have sort of become resigned to the fact that family planning  has never and will never be in my control. 

I will be honest and say that I have felt sorry for myself these past few months.  I have felt angry that I have this body that does weird things and is so unpredictable.  I have felt sorry for myself that I have hormone issues and pretty much never feel that good.  It's unclear whether this newest issue is related to my PCOS and endometriosis, but it seems like it all must be connected somehow.

So that was the last big challenge of 2016.  It was a soul-trying year in a lot of ways.  In 2017, I am looking forward to recharging my physical and spiritual health.  I hope the new year brings lots of peace, health, and happiness for me and for those I love.

We got these family pictures taken in Denver when my dad got the extended family photo shoot.  I love seeing my people and realizing that no matter what obstacles we face, we have each other.  Not that things are always butterflies and roses in our home--they aren't.  Motherhood is a challenge for me--it stretches me every single day--and even marriage, which has always been pretty easy for me and Ryan, was difficult this past year with all of the stress of the medical problems and big decisions with his career and such.  But at the end of the day, I love these people fiercely, and they love me.  We are "Team Nielson!" as the kids say.  They are my best friends.

 

I am beyond grateful for the opportunity that I have to live each day with them, and I continually try to accept the mantra that one of my favorite church leaders used to say: "Come what may, and love it."

Life is good, even when it is hard. 

What My Trip to South Africa Taught Me about Motherhood

**I wrote this post for the blog Money Saving Mom, which is run by an amazing young mother, Crystal Paine.  Crystal is a very influential blogger, and she organized this mission trip to South Africa. I was honored to be able to share some of what I learned with her blog audience this past week. I will be writing a lot more about my South Africa experience here on my personal blog (and inviting all of you to help me continue the work there!), but I wanted to start by sharing this post because I feel it really captures the heart of my experience.

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The first time that I saw Gogo, I was standing with my back against a crude brick wall, leaning into a pocket of shade under the hot African sun.

I heard her before I saw her. “Oh, thank you, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!” she was calling.  And when she came around the corner, her wrinkled hands were clasped, her face tilted up toward heaven in praise.

She was wearing a navy stocking cap, a brown sweater and long skirt—and she reached out to each of us American visitors as if we were her family, squeezing our hands and whispering her thanks to God that we had come. 

 

“Gogo” means Granny in Setswana, and, truly, this woman is a grandmother to everyone she meets.  Her heart is full of love, Spirit, and nurturing—in essence, motherhood.  Being near her, I thought, “This is why I came to Africa.  I came here to meet Gogo.”

When I applied to go on the South African advocacy trip with Crystal Paine, I was searching for a deeper understanding of motherhood.  I couldn’t have put it into those specific words at the time—but now that I’m home, I can see more clearly what I was yearning for before I left.

I have always loved connecting with people in deep ways. I was a counselor at a camp for kids and adults with disabilities throughout high school and college. I spent long summer days in the mountains of Colorado with amazing campers who taught me about courage and endurance in the face of physical and mental challenges.

After I got married, my husband and I spent a semester living in an orphanage in El Salvador, planning scavenger hunts, playing rowdy games of Uno, and reading bedtime stories to children whom we grew to love like family.

When we returned to the States, I taught high school English for five years—a challenging career that I loved—while my husband went to school to become a pediatric dentist. Every summer we went back to El Salvador for a week or two to see the kids that we love.

And then in 2011, we adopted our son, Noah, and my life as a stay-at-home mother began.

After all of my experience with children, teaching, and service, I thought that the transition to motherhood would be easy.

Famous last words, right?

I knew that it was a blessing to be able to stay home with Noah, but after years of connecting with people on a deep level, I felt lonely and unfulfilled much of the time.  My baby cried a lot; my husband was in residency and we lived in a crummy apartment near the hospital without many other young moms around; and I missed getting to laugh with and learn from my students and colleagues every day.

I felt a bit trapped—not so much by my circumstances as by the dichotomy in my heart: I knew that my job as a mother was the most impactful role I would ever have, and yet I yearned for more.

Five years have passed, and we have since added another baby to our family, a spunky little girl named Sally. I have settled into my role as a mother much more, and I love spending time with my two little miracles. I have found meaningful work that I can do from home—I write for a motherhood website called Power of Moms—and I teach the teenage girls at church and reach out to friends and family as much as I can.

My life is so good and so full.  And yet, at times I still feel that pull in my heart—the desire to learn more, impact more, give more.

I decided to apply to go to South Africa because I knew that I would meet people like Gogo.  I knew I would gain new perspective and come home with more clarity, peace, purpose, and drive.

I wish I could write a book about the incredible mothers that I met when I was there—because that’s what it would take, a book!  Meeting these mothers, hearing their stories, and witnessing the unique and powerful contributions that they are making within their spheres of influence...it filled my soul.

I realized that what I am doing at home with my little ones matters.  My heart ached when I saw children who do not have loving parents to care for them. I saw the sadness in their eyes, and I heard from teachers about the ways that their mental and emotional development are affected.  It made me want to be a better, more invested mother.

It also made me want to do hard things—to make sacrifices to extend my love beyond my own family to others who need “mothering.”  I realized that I can involve my own children in this work.  I can teach them to see a need in our community and the world and do something about it.

While raising her kids, Gogo worked at a soup kitchen and started several preschools for vulnerable children in her community.  In recent years, her grown daughter Elizabeth has followed in her mother’s footsteps and started a “drop-in centre” out of Gogo’s one-room house.  It started with 18 children, and it has now grown to 180!  

What began in Gogo’s tiny house has expanded.  They’ve been able to receive government funding, build a small preschool next door, and hire a staff of dedicated teachers and caregivers.  Vulnerable kids from the community come to Gogo’s house every morning to receive a bowl of vitamin-fortified porridge, and then they come after school to receive a snack, help with homework, and instruction in singing and sports.  It’s like a Boys and Girls Club—Africa style!

 

It has become a family affair, with Gogo as the loving matriarch, Elizabeth as the powerhouse director, and even Elizabeth’s sons as administrators and cooks.  Three generations of givers.

Truly, this family has been transformed because of Gogo’s example —this family, and an entire community of children.

After spending a day at the “drop-in centre”—witnessing the hope in the children’s eyes, hearing their singing and joyful laughter—my American friends and I gathered around Gogo as she sat in a lawn chair in the shade, reading her Bible.  She hugged each of us and took us by the hands, looking into our faces and thanking us for coming.  I will never forget the feeling of her wrinkled hands, leathery from a lifetime of loving and serving. With tears in her eyes, she read scripture to us and then said simply, “I cry because I am rich.”

I am grateful beyond words for the opportunity that I had to go to South Africa to learn from this hero-mother and many others like her.

Since coming home, I have felt a deep desire to continue helping in South Africa through fundraising efforts for the amazing projects there, as well as to find ways to invest right here in my community—and bring my children along with me.

 

I don’t know exactly what those efforts will look like yet, but I am grateful to have been a part of a trip that opened my heart to the everlasting impact of mothers. I know that I, and hopefully my children, will never be the same.

My Biggest Accomplishment from the Past Few Months

After a year of putting it off because I didn't feel "qualified," I finally recorded a podcast with Power of Moms about Intuitive Eating!

Some of you may remember that I recorded a podcast with them about my experience of going to counseling and learning about the cycle of unhealthy stress and negative self-talk in my life.  This is the follow-up podcast to that first one, focused more specifically on eating disorders and learning to listen to and love my body.

It was scary to record this because I am so far from living all of these principles perfectly all the time--BUT I do believe in these ideas 100%, and I am so SO much happier than I was a few years ago when I was trapped in the diet-binge cycle and loathing myself for my inability to lose weight. So even though I felt inadequate and vulnerable recording this podcast, I am proud of myself for getting up the courage to just do it and put it out there for other women who might need it.

I think sometimes I feel like I can't be a spokesperson for Intuitive Eating because I'm not thin--but this isn't about being thin.  This is about being happy.  And sane.  And not hating yourself all the time.   And not allowing your life to be consumed with thoughts of dieting, desserts, calories, cellulite, food journals, clothes that no longer fit you, the judgement of others...the list goes on.  It's exhausting.  And emotionally damaging.  And there is another way to live!

After recording this podcast, I felt even more committed to living these principles.  I can explain them intellectually a lot better than I can actually live them--but I do believe that it is possible to become a truly intuitive eater, and I have several friends who definitely live and eat this way.  It's inspiring. 

I want to continue on this journey--continue learning how to respect, listen to, and love my body.  Who will join me??

If you ever feel like you are war with your body (constantly worrying about your weight, pledging to start your diet "tomorrow," eating in secret, or feeling self-loathing daily), this podcast is for you.  And even if you are in a good place with your body image, it might be worth listening to learn some ideas for maintaining sanity in the midst of a culture that is obsessed with weight.

Here is the link:
https://powerofmoms.com/listening-to-and-loving-your-body-through-intuitive-eating/ 

Let me know what you think!

My Articles on Power of Moms

I thought I would share links to the articles that I wrote for Power of Moms in the past year.  I had a goal to write something once a month, but hey, every three months is better than nothing!

I plan to continue writing for them this year, and I will occasionally share the links.  Thanks for reading!

 How to Journal as a Busy Mom

I have been an avid record-keeper since I started my first “Jernel” at age 7. That yellow binder is filled with crayon scrawlings of some of my deepest thoughts and questions, such as “Today we are going to a picneak. What will I eat there?”

This journaling habit continued into my teens and young adulthood, and, fortunately, my entries became more meaningful over the years. Since becoming a mother, however, it is much harder to find blocks of uninterrupted time to sit, reflect, and write.

If, like me, you want to keep a journal and record of your children's lives, but you struggle to find the time as a busy mother, here are five tips...  {Read full article here.}

 Anchored by Beautiful Moments

A trusted friend once told me, “In motherhood, the hard moments sometimes outnumber the beautiful moments, but the beautiful moments always outweigh the hard moments.” I have developed a few strategies to give the perfect moments in motherhood even more weight so they can anchor me through the hard times. {Read full article here.}

How My Son's Routine-Chart Helped Me Be a Better Mom

This morning, I found myself lying face-down on the wet sidewalk leading up to my front door.

No, I hadn’t slipped on the dewy grass while going to get the mail or been attacked by a neighborhood mugger; I was down on the concrete on purpose, peering into the garden with my four-year-old son, Noah...

This is why I love my son’s morning routine chart. I love it because it holds me accountable for the things that are important to me as a mother—the things that would probably get lost in the midst of the urgent “to-dos” and daily craziness of motherhood, if they weren’t included in our simple daily chart.  {Read full article here.}

Three Strategies for Being a Less Annoying Parent

I recently had to face a harsh but true reality: I am an annoying parent.  My ten-month-old daughter is too young to be bugged by me (yet), but my three-year-old son, Noah, could certainly testify that I can be annoying to be around.

Kids are just little grown-ups. Like us, they have opinions and personalities. Like us, they get bugged and resistant when people interrupt them, nag them, coerce them, or boss them around. 

Obviously this doesn’t mean that we never potty train our children, never enforce bedtime, and never expect them to help us clean the house; but I have learned that I can be a much more pleasant parent if I simply tweak the delivery of my expectations. Here are three strategies I use... {Read full article here.}

What I Got for Christmas

I got some darn good presents for Christmas.  All of them are making my life easier, and, honestly, is anything better than that?

Early in December, we got a TV.  This was a big deal for us because we haven't had one in about ten years.  Honestly, I didn't want the TV in order to watch it...I wanted the TV in order for my kids to watch it. (Mother of the Year?)  It has been soooo nice to keep the kids busy for a bit during the day.  Sally's favorite show is Little Baby Bum on Youtube, and she will actually watch it for a solid half hour while I get ready for the day.  Hallelujah!  Noah's favorite is Octonauts on Netflix, and he would watch it all day every day if I let him.  I don't. ;)

Ryan and I still don't watch much, but it's nice to have the option when we want to rent a movie or catch up on Downton Abbey.  Overall, I'd say this was a great purchase, and Noah was so excited about it that he invited two of his friends over to watch a show with him, and I think they were a little bewildered, like, "What's the big deal?  It's a TV."  Ha!  What can I say...we've finally entered the 20th century.

That early Christmas present was certainly enough, but as the weeks approached Christmas, Ryan was fretting that he hadn't gotten me anything and didn't have any ideas.  I told him, "All I want for Christmas is a day off every month for the year--so I can write and work on projects uninterrupted!"  I wasn't sure if he would follow through, but he did. 

Could there be a more heavenly gift?  I used my January day-off last Saturday, and I went to the library and got so much work done, sorting photos and videos from 2015, writing blog posts for Power of Moms, catching up on an online class I am taking...I mean, it was astonishing how much I got accomplished in those several hours and reminded me why I was able to "do it all" before I had kids.  Those little cuties are sure time-consuming! (But worth it!)

My little sister's present might take the cake for best present of 2015--or ever. I've mentioned before what a huge stress meal-planning and cooking are for me.  I am not kidding when I say that these tasks can be paralyzing for me and are a constant source of stress in my life.  Well after hearing me complain about it for years, my little sister Laura decided to take matters into her own hands.  As my Christmas gift this year, she made me an eight-week meal plan with corresponding grocery shopping lists!!

Isn't that just the greatest thing ever?  You can buy meal plans online, but I haven't had much luck with any of them because the recipes aren't familiar to me or they are too complicated.  Laura's meal-plan includes many of our easiest family-favorites, and it's so doable and convenient.  I have been using her meal plans for the past few weeks, and it is incredible.  I wake up on Monday morning, grab my meal plan binder, and head to the store.  Zero stress.  For the first time in my life, I've had hot meals on the table by 6:00 every night.  Life-changing.  And isn't my shopping buddy cute?

So now I have a TV to occupy my kids for a little while during the day, a day off once a month to work on my hobbies and projects, and a simple system for meal-planning, grocery-shopping, and cooking for my family.  Yeah, I'd say I hit the jackpot for sure.  Merry Christmas 2015 to me!

Magic in the Midst of Anxiety

It has been a week of sweet moments and hard moments.  I have struggled with anxiety since Sally was born (and probably long before that, but it really got bad in those first few weeks postpartum), and I think I am experiencing another "flare" right now--not nearly as bad as the panic attacks and insomnia that plagued me right after she was born, but just overwhelm and worry that makes daily life feel really difficult sometimes.

A friend asked me what anxiety feels like, and I told her that, for me, it's like all the normal stresses of motherhood are magnified to a point that feels beyond overwhelming.  Things that aren't a big deal feel like a huge deal, such as getting the kids meals, cleaning up the kitchen, or calming a fussy toddler.  It's like I can't face it.  I can't do it.  And that makes me feel worried, like, "What if I can't take care of my kids?" It's just this heavy brick of overwhelm that I carry around with me.

Another sign that my anxiety is flaring is that I start to have irrational worries about my health and the health of my children.  Lots of fear, lots of ruminating.  It makes it hard to fall asleep at night, and of course, sleeping would help manage the anxiety, so it's just one big vicious cycle.

Anxiety and depression are such hidden, lonely, inner battles.  It's hard to explain to people, and you often seem totally fine from an outsider's perspective, when inside something just feels off.  It's hard to reach out for help because you don't know if people will understand, you don't know if what you are experiencing is bad enough to "deserve" help, and you don't know if you are just a wimp or if you are dealing with an actual illness.

So that's kind of what it feels like.  And it feels good to be open about all of this and just acknowledge, "Hey, some days have been hard lately."

I am okay.  Like I said, it's nothing like it was before with the panic attacks--but I'm going back on a low-dose antidepressant just to keep this managed.  I stopped taking it a few months ago and felt fine for a while, but I can see the signs that things could get bad again, so after some research, I've decided that I will probably just stay on it.  After I made that decision, I stumbled upon this article randomly, and it felt perfectly timed.  Minus the whole star on Broadway thing, this singer's experience with anxiety seemed so similar to mine.  And I loved her advice about recognizing it as an illness and not a weakness and reaching out for help.

Hopefully in a few weeks things will be back to normal--and "back to normal" does include some hard days and stressful moments!  That is just life, especially with young children.  But "normal" doesn't include debilitating overwhelm that makes it hard to wake up in the morning and irrational worry that makes it hard to sleep at night.

In the midst of all of this, I am searching for the magic moments with my children.  I did this when I was going through IVF, and it helped a lot, so I've been doing it again.  These two kiddos of mine are the greatest source of joy in my life, as well as the greatest source of stress.  Sally is at a super needy age and sometimes it is so hard to keep her entertained and managed all day.  And Noah is my little buddy, but he is still a four-year-old: there is always some misbehavior to worry about or some epic meltdown to calm. But the perfect moments with them are so plentiful.  I have a note in my phone to record them, and it seems like I can't write them down fast enough.  So many perfect moments every day.

So as I sit here on a Sunday night contemplating the week ahead, I want to relive and share some of those magic moments.  Here is a sampling:

I can hear Noah playing in the bathtub while I do the dishes every night, and the sound of him chattering to himself without ceasing makes me feel like all is right in the world.

When he plays, both in the bath tub and with his Legos in his room, he is often re-creating the sinking of the Titanic, which is his new obsession.  He has checked out several library books about it, and he knows all the details about how it all went down (pun intended).  I will hear him saying things like, "Oh we're the Titanic.  We can sail with icebergs, no big deal."  And then "Oh no, we are sinking, and the Californian has already turned off it's radio for the night!"  And then the sad finale: "Well the Carpathia is finally here to save us--too bad we are at the bottom of the sea."

Do you see the Lego iceberg and Titanic? 

The things Noah says!  Could anything be funnier?  The other morning, he and Sally were sitting across from each other at the breakfast table eating yogurt while I was getting dressed, and I heard Noah say, "Sally, I'm bored.  Put your eyes on me, and let's start talking!"  Ha!  By the time Noah was Sally's age, he was saying about 50 words and forming phrases.  Sally, on the other hand, says about six words.  Her brother does enough talking for the both of them!

How about the fact that he named our Elf on the Shelf "Brad"? So random!  And not elf-ish at all!  But it's the best because whenever he finds the elf engaged in some make-believe antics, such as driving a toy car or making a snow-angel in the flour, he says in this dramatic voice, "Oh Braaaaad!" like the elf is just so silly.  Noah even said to me one morning when he spotted Brad roasting marshmallows over a candle, "Mom, I see something ridiculous!"

 

We had a fun afternoon decorating the Christmas tree together while dancing to holiday tunes, and when Noah came around the corner and saw the finished tree, he said, "Oh Mom! It looks fabulous!" ;)

He calls Hershey Kisses "Horeshoe Kisses" and Net Flix "Neck Flix." So now, of course, we all do!

He constantly says "No way, Jose!" lately, and he is fond of telling me that things are "easy peasy lemon squeezy." I think he picked up these sayings from preschool? 

My favorite is dropping him off at school because we shout things at each other as he hops out of the van and runs up the sidewalk. "You're my favorite boy!" "You're my favorite mom!"  "Have the best day ever!" "You have the best day ever!"  "Be a good boy!" "Be a good mom!"  He stops right before he gets to the door, and we blow each other a million kisses.  I love watching his little backpack bob up and down as he hustles into school.

Noah and I play a secret hand-holding game that my little sister and I made up when we were young. We would hold hands and one of us would squeeze three times to signal "I love you."  The other would squeeze back two times to ask "How much?"  And then we would respond by squeezing each other's hands as hard as we could until they were crushed.  I recently taught this game to Noah, and he thinks it's the greatest.  Sometimes I will stick my hand back there while I am driving so we can play spontaneously.

He is still obsessed with trains, and I am starting to wonder if he will ever grow out of it.  Maybe he will be one of those old men who sets up 100 train sets in their basement?  We watched the movie Elf the other night, and Noah loved the entire thing except for the scene where Buddy the Elf and the department store Santa get in a brawl and knock down the toy train set.  He was literally wailing.  He cried pathetically, "Not the toy train! Not the train!"

His favorite movie right now is a free documentary on Amazon Instant Video called "I Love Toy Trains."  The other day, I walked by him as he lay on my bed watching it, and he had his knee up with his other leg crossed over it, his foot just a-tapping as he belted out every word to the "Box Car Boogie."  That definitely made my day.

On Friday, we went on a Mother-Son date to a local toystore, and he used his allowance money to buy a couple of $1 plastic trains.  We sat together on the floor and he spread out his dollars so he could count them one-by-one and figure out how many trains to buy.  He meticulously went through the bins as he chose the perfect purchases.  So cute--an image I will never forget!  And he surprised me when he used some of his money to buy a little train for Sally too.

And speaking of that Little Miss, oh how I love her as well!  I cannot resist this little face:

 

She has suddenly become interested in books, and it fills my English-teacher heart with joy!  She will bring me a book (her favorites are "The Farmer in the Dell," "Where is Spot?" and "Goodnight Gorilla") and then she will grunt insistently until I sit down and read them to her.  She is very particular about where we read, and she will often lead me to the bed or her recliner for our reading time.  I love that she will now sit in our laps for a few minutes to read.

 

The other day, I came around the corner and caught her sitting in our tiny reading chair with a book open on her lap, and it was so unexpected and made me so happy that I gasped.  At that sound, she looked up and grinned at me.  She has an open-mouth, craggy-tooth grin and the cutest dimple--her whole face fills with glee when she smiles.  There is nothing like it.

She has also become willing to sit to watch a show, and I am almost as happy about that as I am about the books. Ha! After ten years without a TV, we got one recently, and it has been heaven to keep our busy Miss Sally occupied with a Baby Einstein every once in a while, especially on days when I am struggling with anxiety.  She still won't sit for long, but hey--even fifteen minutes is amazing for an overwhelmed mama!

 

I love watching her play with her daddy.  They have a nightly game where she stands on the bed and he throws a red kickball to her.  She laughs and laughs, and then she rolls it back to him or lays on it on her belly for a while.  Noah always joins in on the fun, and I love hearing all of them giggling together.  I love our little family and the daily rituals we share.

Lately, Ryan has put his own twist on the old saying, "Last one to ______ is a rotten egg!"  When we are trying to get out the door for an outing, he will say, "Last one to the car is a rotten tooth!"  Very appropriate for a dentist, if you ask me.  Noah came up with his own variation today when he said, "Last one to the car is a rotten diaper!"  You can tell what we think about in our house!

Another little family ritual that we have is "I will punch you in the gut!"  I know that sounds completely bizarre, but my sisters and I have a small issue with "cute aggression" that makes us want  to squeeze and gnaw on things that we find adorable. Anyone else out there have this problem? ;)  At some point when Noah was young, I started saying to him, "Oh you're just so cute, I want to punch you in the gut!!!"  And then I would chase him everywhere and pretend to sock him in the belly and he would laugh maniacally, and thus a game was born.  One time a few years ago we were walking through the grocery store and Noah was sitting in the front of the cart and said out of the blue, "I will punch you in the gut!" and just bopped me one, and I couldn't stop laughing.  It was so great.  I'm sure everyone around us thought we were nuts!  The tradition has continued with Little Sal, and we are often chasing her around to get her in her chubby little belly.  She definitely recognizes the word "gut," and when we say it, she will raise her shirt and point to her stomach, or she will run up to one of us and find our bellies and give us a sock.  It's the best.  I know that probably sounds so random and borderline abusive, but it is the cutest, most bonding little game.  Now let's just hope Noah never does that to a friend at school!

Oh my gosh, it's such a happy life.  Writing that list was good for my soul tonight.  It reminded me that I am doing an okay job as a mom, even when I feel totally overwhelmed and full of worry.  It reminded me that there is joy all around me, even in the midst of hard times, even when I didn't want to face the day that morning.  There is always joy.

I wrote an article for Power of Moms a few months ago called "Anchored by Beautiful Moments" about how noticing perfect moments can sustain us through hard times, and that truth has been proven to me again tonight!  I am grateful.

So here's to a week full of love and laughter, gut-punching and giggling.  Life is good--even when it's hard.  I'm so glad I was reminded of that tonight.

"Being Old and Full of Days"

I am on the cusp of a new week.  Sunday night, the night when I sit down and look at the week ahead and make a "plan."  I always feel a little overwhelmed when I think about all the things I need to/would like to accomplish in the coming days, and yet I don't really know why.  Most of what I do doesn't have set deadlines.  

I think feeling overwhelmed is just part of my nature, but it's something that I consciously try to change about myself every single day.  I have always dreamed of being someone who is relaxed, spontaneous, present, and carefree--someone who is not busy and who people know they can call on a whim if they want to hang out or if they need to talk.  I am making progress on this goal, as I constantly try to simplify my life, say no to commitments that will make me stressed, and manage my time better.  But it's a work in progress.  I'm a work in progress.

In high school, I noticed that one of my best friends was starting to distance herself from me, and when I asked her why, she said, "Oh you're just so busy.  I don't want to be one more thing you have to fit in."  A little hurt, I responded, "But I would always make time for you!!"  I will never forget her response.  She looked at me seriously and, without an ounce of malice, said, "Rachel, no one wants to feel like their best friend is 'making time' for them."

I have never forgotten her words, and they are so so SO true.  So I am working on this.  

I want more than anything to be present with my kids.  I don't want to waste their baby years checking things off my to-do list.  I never want them to look back and feel like I simply squeezed them in between cleaning and projects and to-dos.  I recently heard a sermon in which a busy, young, wise mother was quoted as saying, "Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling.  You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps.  It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in.  It is what God gave you time for."

That last line has stayed with me, and I have thought of it often.  Motherhood is what God gave me time for.  

My days with the kids are simple and sometimes frustrating, but I have been praying lately that God will give me "eyes to see" the beauty in this current stage of my life--to see beyond the surface and to recognize the gifts underneath.  As I look around my house and see train tracks scattered across the floor and dirty baby bottles lining the kitchen counter, I try to see the blessings instead of the mess--the blessing of having a creative, active, thriving little boy underfoot and a snuggly, hungry, healthy baby girl in my arms.   

These days are precious.  They are also repetitive and mundane, but they are all pieces of the mosaic that will become my life--and they are pieces of the mosaic that will become my children's lives.

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about who I am, who I have been, and who I want to be.  Sometimes I miss the "old Rachel" who adventured across the world and had endless energy to accomplish anything and everything (did I really start an international volunteer program while in the midst of my first year of teaching when I had 207 students??  WHO WAS THAT GIRL?!?!).  Sometimes I can't figure out how to reconcile the girl that I used to be with the girl that I am now--and yet I know in my heart that I am the same person with the same core beliefs, values, and characteristics.  How can I honor what has been and never forget it, while also honoring what is and what will be?

It was in that mindset that I recently discovered the last verse in the book of Job, and it has been a long time since a verse of scripture has spoken to me so directly.  As the final words to the story of an amazing life, the Bible simply says, "And Job died, being old and full of days."  

Understanding flooded over me as I read and reread those last few words: "Being old and full of days."  Each day of my life builds on the last.  I am full of days.  Each experience, each trial, each adventure, each joy, each sorrow, each friendship, each bedtime story read to Noah, each lullaby sung to Sally, each conversation snuggled up with Ryan--they become part of my foundation, they are still part of who I am.  

This image makes me happy--the idea of being full of days.  It gives me peace.  It helps me to cherish these routine moments at home with my kids, these days that are adding to the breadth of who I am becoming.  

A wild-haired Noah eating yogurt and watching a show.

A wiggly Sally, climbing all over her Daddy (who is always and forever reading a book).  

A messy house, full of the evidence of Noah's current favorites: trains and forts.  

Date nights with Ryan, holding hands and walking the trail at the bottom of the canyon as we discuss our children, his career, our hopes and dreams, our future.

These are the moments that I want to be full of when I reach the end of my lifetime.  This is who I want to be.  

Tonight as I head to bed, readying myself for the new week ahead, I am feeling comforted in the knowledge that nothing is ever lost.  Days build upon days, and moments build upon moments--the good and the bad, the ups and the downs--they all count, they all make me who I am.  

And when I die, I, like Job, will be old--and full to the brim with a lifetime of remembered and forgotten, meaningful and mundane, simple yet profound, days.