Baby Noah will be four weeks old tomorrow. I simply can't believe it. Sometimes I look at him, and I can't believe he's actually here--I'm actually a mom--I have a son! Other times, I look at him, and I can't believe he hasn't always been here--he's just such a natural part of our family--he was always meant to be here.
There were many days in the past several years when I truly and honestly wondered if I would ever be a mother. It started to seem impossible. A pattern had been established: All of my pregnancy tests were negative, and all of our adoption opportunities fell through. That's just the way it was and the way it would always be.
Looking back on it now, it seems almost silly that I was so disheartened. I should've known that God always had a plan for our family. And I guess I did know that even in the midst of the trial--but that didn't make each disappointment any less real or overwhelming.
And now Noah is here. He's here, and he's ours, and he's perfect.
Isaiah 61:1,3 says, "...the Lord has anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, the opening of the prison to them that are bound...to give unto them beauty for ashes..."
I've thought about that promise a lot: "to give unto them beauty for ashes." From the ashes of our infertility grief has come the beautiful opportunity to adopt Noah. How often does God take the hardships in our lives and turn them into blessings? Opportunities for growth, or to meet new people, or to start over, or to develop traits that we'll need later, or to bring us closer to our families? I don't believe that God makes bad things happen to His children. I do believe that He allows bad things to happen to His children but promises that He will help us make the most of any trial that we face--He will give us "beauty for ashes."
As I look back on the past year of our lives, it's overwhelming to see how we've been blessed. If you don't already know our history, I will include a few links below that explain our "journey to Noah" as I sometimes call it (it really does feel like a journey). I am going to blog about his birth and first few days of life this week too. It's a week for looking back, remembering, and giving thanks: We have a son! He is one month old! He is totally adorable, and I want to squeeze him all day long! He looks especially cute in his ducky bath robe and in his tiny church shoes! (Seriously...shoes for a one month old??)
The first time I blogged about my infertility and our desire to adopt (April 20, 2010)
A post written in the midst of a lot of heartbreak (January 13, 2011)
A post written as I was recovering from the heartbreak (January 14, 2011)
The announcement that Katie had chosen us to be her baby's parents (March 6, 2011)
A letter to the baby about our first visit with Katie and Drew (March 28, 2011)
The post announcing Noah's arrival (August 1, 2011)
Gosh I am just so happy for you. What a wild/hard/emotional/painful/hope-filled journey it has been for you. I have a friend who has videotaped the births of both of her sons and she said she watched the first one (where she had an epidural) like 100 times but that she still hasn't been able to bring herself to watch the video of the second birth (done natural) yet because she can still remember each pang of pain too vividly. I sort of feel like some adoptions happen the hard way and some happen the (relatively) easy way - both are still actually hard, but some are harder than others. You went through like, a year and a half of labor I guess.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I think I should avoid commenting on blogs before 7:00 a.m. because I don't know whether my comments make any sense. Basically, I'm just super thrilled for you.
Love him so much! He is insanely cute. So thrilled for you guys, and for myself because I get to enjoy him too! :)
ReplyDeleteRachel, I don't know if you remember me, I am married to Ryan's friend Dallen. I just found your blog and have been reading it for days! I am so very happy for you guys! Noah is beautiful. I know Ryan and his family and I know he will be an amazing daddy! I know I don't know you well but I feel like I know you more and more from reading your blog. You are an amazing spritual woman and I admire the way you have handled all your struggles with beauty and grace! Congratulations again! I am so happy for you both. Noah is a lucky little guy to have you both as parents!
ReplyDeleteKally
I like the idea that you expressed that Noah "was always meant to be here." I truly believe that there are certain people meant to be in our lives. I'm so glad you found him!
ReplyDeletei love him in the robe. so so cute. reminds me of reese when he was new. i am very happy for you guys. we can't wait to see (or for drew and kate to see) noah in october... i can't imagine how much he has grown in the last four weeks. baby time is precious.
ReplyDelete'Beauty for Ashes': I went and read that chapter tonight as I don't ever remember hearing it before. Those first several verses are so beautiful. It is hard to see the light, the purpose and the joy while still in mourning, but our Savior shines brightly and only allows us to suffer 'for but a small moment'.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I can't wait for part 2 :)
Thanks for this. Thanks for sharing your world with us. It's a very inspirational place.
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