Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The last several months...

I have been sick.  Really sick.

I have always been someone who believes that people should be able to express what they are feeling and experiencing, even if those things aren't rosy.  I want people to know that they can be real with me.  When I was struggling with infertility, I think many of my friends were hesitant to tell me about how difficult pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding can be, and I appreciated their sensitivity, but I always encouraged them to be honest with me.  "It's okay to acknowledge that it's super hard," I would tell them.  "It doesn't mean that you aren't grateful!"

I'm glad I've always had that attitude because now I find myself in the position that many of them were in back then--struggling with being pregnant.  And I do feel guilty about that much of the time.  How dare I utter a word of complaint when we waited so long for this and so many others would love to have this blessing but cannot?

And yet, I am reminded of what I told those friends: Just because it's hard doesn't mean I'm not grateful.  Because I am grateful--soooo grateful--to have this little life growing inside of me. That doesn't mean I have to bask in every moment that I am too nauseated and fatigued to take care of my toddler or myself.  My inability to function these past few months has made me feel pretty depressed at times, even though I know it's for the best cause imaginable and I know how blessed I am.

I must say that things have gotten noticeably better this past week or so.  I'm 17 weeks pregnant tomorrow, and I can actually stomach some food now and occasionally get something done on my to-do list.  I still don't feel like going out and running a marathon (or even walking a mile, for that matter), but most days I feel like I can take care of my son again, which is a huge step in the right direction.  I don't think I will ever be able to watch the animated film Robin Hood again because even hearing the intro music makes me feel overwhelming guilt and inadequacy because Noah watched it so many times while I was too sick to interact with him much during the day.

It's hard for me to just lie down and not "accomplish" anything, especially for months at a time.  I am by nature a do-er, and staying busy makes me happy.  But in some ways, these four months of feeling awful have been a gift because they've shown me that the world goes on turning, whether I am "accomplishing" anything or not.  Not sure how the laundry got done, or what we ate for dinner, or how the house didn't collapse under the mess of our existence--but somehow, we survived.  I did nothing "extra"--no projects, or hobbies, or service to others--and sometimes that made me feel quite useless, but life went on.

(And as a side note, remember that blog post with my ambitious Secret Cupid ideas from a few weeks ago?  Building snowmen?  Researching date ideas?  Cleaning off the overflowing table in our room and filing months of bills and important mail? What was I thinking??  None of that happened!  I did write Ryan a card, though--pretty impressive, huh?)

A friend of mine wisely told me recently, "As frustrating as it is, try not to be down on yourself about the unproductivity: in reality, your body is making a human being, complete with an entire set of functioning organs, a skeleton, a nervous system...you've actually never accomplished more in such a short period of time in your entire life."  So true, and this brought me a lot of perspective and peace!

I wish I could say that I have dealt with this trial gracefully.  I haven't.  I am a baby when it comes to not feeling well, and I sent lots of dramatic texts to my sisters and girlfriends.  I felt sorry for myself and felt mad at Ryan because he can't read my mind or understand perfectly what I'm going through.  I didn't turn to God enough.  I felt a little alone when people would ask me how I was feeling, and I would tell them the truth, and they would shrug it off or say "Well that's pregnancy!" and move on with the conversation.  I'm sure I have done that many times to pregnant friends in the past (if I even thought to ask how they were feeling), but I've learned from my experience that I want to respond with more empathy in the future.  I am so thankful for the many friends and family who were a listening ear when I needed to vent about how terrible and desperate I felt and who didn't tell me to "just be grateful" (because, really, I am grateful!!!).  I'm thankful for the texts and phone calls just to check in and tell me they were thinking about me.  I'm thankful for the friend who dropped off a meal, and for my mother-in-law who came to help with Noah and make dinner one afternoon, and to my aunt who came and stayed the night.  I have some truly amazing people in my life.

A friend who suffered debilitating nausea herself during pregnancy recently sent me this scripture, and it has given me comfort over the past few weeks: "As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all." Ecclesiastes 11:5

I hope that the worst of this trial is over, but if it's not, I hope I can adjust my attitude a little and have more faith--remember that God is aware of me and is carrying me.  As I did when things were hard when I was going through IVF, I've been keeping a gratitude journal through all of this.  Noticing and writing down a "magic moment" that I share with Noah every day really helps me focus on my blessings--and reminds me that all of this will be worth it in the end.  Motherhood is awesome, and kids are resilient, even when they watch Robin Hood on repeat for several weeks. (And even if their behavior suffers a bit because their mother is too sick to be very consistent with discipline and routine.)  I plan to share some of the "motherhood is worth it" moments that I've had these past few months in an upcoming blog post or two about Noah...as soon as I get the energy to start blogging consistently again and to get our computer with all of our photos on it fixed.  For now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

The best news is, in two weeks, I get to find out if this little person inside of me is a boy or a girl and see his/her face for the first time.  And maybe I will feel a tiny kick by then?  And maybe I will have a little baby bump by then?  My friends all tell me that the fun stuff is just around the corner, and I simply can't wait.  There was a time when I thought I would never get the chance to experience pregnancy--the highs as well as the lows.  I am very, very grateful.

Life is good, God is good, motherhood is good, and yes, pregnancy is good--even when it's hard.

16 comments:

  1. So excited to find out what you are having! Sorry you have been so sick- that is never fun.

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  2. I love your honesty and enjoy the 2nd trimester.

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  3. Love and miss you tons!!! Seriously, tons.

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  4. ughh! Not fun. Thank you for being honest, it IS (or at least can be) hard! I agree, the fun stuff is right around the corner . . . until then, or on hard days: http://thegiftofgivinglife.com/does-the-journey-seem-long/

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  5. So I've been pregnant 3 times now (well, on my 3rd) and it shocks me every time how big of a trial it is to be sick everyday. I keep thinking that I remember and that I'll be prepared for the hard, but in the day to day when you feel like you accomplish nothing and then set goals and then don't keep even one of them and then feel like a failure and are too tired and nauseous to change anything except to feel guilty and lazy. I can relate...... it's hard. You are not alone- I'm here with ya sister.

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  6. I didn't know you were pregnant! I am sooo excited for you, congratulations!!!
    Honey, I completely agree with your post. I absolutely love babies, and I am so grateful for every single one of mine. But I hated being pregnant with my first. Then I thought, well, my baby is cute, I'll try it again. But I was miserable for my 2nd pregnancy too. We gave it a third go- surely it couldn't be as bad as I remember? No, actually I have a really good memory. Finally, I've just accepted the fact that I hate being pregnant. And then I had another baby. Because, did I mention that I love babies? I do. They are worth all nine months of ickiness. Every time. :)

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  7. It would be so hard to be sick every day. Don't be too hard on yourself. There will be a day for cleaning and a day for fun projects with Noah, but right now is not. Right now is survival and getting through the day in anyway possible. Kids are resilient and I promise you Noah probably thinks it so cool he gets to watch movies. I really hope the sick part is almost over for you. I have felt a lot of these emotions not with pregnancy, but with being a mom to Emme and then adding a second. I am so grateful, but man is it hard and does it sure suck sometimes!! Hang in there rachel!

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  8. I hope and pray for you that you are turning that corner into a great second half. I remember going over to my 3rd daughters one day after work because I felt prompted. She was about 3.5 months with her second. I was about to leave because there appeared to be no one home when this pathetic beautiful sad creature eased the door open and whispered, "Hi Mom". I said a lot of prayers for that girl who seemed to be blessed with the horrible pregnancies curse. How grateful I am for the two beautiful Grandsons she has given us and also that she has this marvelous ability to keep priorities straight and always put her families needs first. Don't worry about the house or things you just aren't up to right now, you are building and loving spirits and that's your #1 job. I will pray for you and also those around you to be prompted to help. Now accept graciously and build a Baby!

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    1. What a sweet and wise comment! Thank you! I appreciate your prayers, and I will take your advice and accept help graciously when it's offered and try to relax and build a baby. I wish my mother were still living--she would definitely be checking on me, like you have with your daughter, and she would give me the same advice that you have. I miss her. Thank you so much for commenting! It means a lot to know that people are thinking of me.

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  9. I knew you weren't feeling well, but didn't realize how truly awful you were feeling. I apologize if I shrugged you off at all, it was not my intention!! I'm glad you're able to stomach some food again!!

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    1. You are a great support, Tasha! You of all people understand how hard pregnancy can be, and I am so grateful that you called to check on me. This blog post was certainly NOT intended to make anyone feel like they haven't been supportive enough! It was written so that I will remember in the future how to reach out and support other women. And the truth is, I'm not very good at asking for help, and I should've been more straightforward about what I needed from friends and family, instead of feeling sorry for myself. (I'm going to try to remember that if I am every pregnant again.) Thanks for being such a great friend!!

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  10. P.S I LOVE reading all the quotes you have on the right hand side of your blog. I needed some of those for encouragement today.

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  11. You are doing great! I think you've been to the park with Noah at least three times this week, which is pretty awesome in my book! We've talked about this a lot, but it's okay to admit that things are hard sometimes. Even if we think our situation isn't as hard as our neighbor's, or we have been praying for this "hard thing" for so long. You know I am here to help- please let me :)

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  12. I've been blog stalking you over the past few months to see how you're doing. Pregnancy IS hard. It's the pits! The only way anyone CHOOSES to endure pregnancy is because they want that bundle of soft baby-ness that comes in the end. And the only reason any woman can endure labor and delivery is because it means she doesn't have to be PREGNANT anymore! The Robin Hood on repeat is discouraging, I know, but he will endure it. He will still be brilliant and beautiful and perfect if he knows all the words by heart. Be as forgiving of yourself as you would be of anyone else in your situation. It DOES get better. And then it get worse. And then you endure a little longer and it's over. The best part is knowing it DOES end and the end is beautiful. Love you!

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  13. I love your honesty. Pregnancy is rough, especially when you have another child to look after. The good news is that Noah will not even remember this time and will still love you. Kids are resilient. The even better news is that as crappy as you feel you will forget it too (as soon as it's over and you're holding a precious little baby). Don't beat yourself up for not being Super Mom every single day. Being Enduring Mom is good too. And not to discourage you but Noah will probably watch more Robin Hood while you're trying to recover and walking around like a sleep deprived zombie. It's OK. I've decided Disney is one of God's many gifts to mothers :). I've been keeping you in my prayers and will continue to do so!

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  14. Rachel, I just had to comment again because you expressed so well what I felt being pregnant with my second. I just had her in December, and my older girl is three. During the first half of my pregnancy, I felt sooo guilty all the time for not doing crafts and playing outside and dancing around the house all the time with my first girl. I felt so guilty for all the movies she was watching and for all the times I would lie on her floor and tell her, "Mommy just needs to lie down for a minute okay? I'll watch you play." It killed me to not be able to do more. However, it is so true that kids are resilient. And they LOVE watching movies. I promise Noah is not going to have any memories of you having him watch too many movies. Even now, as I adjust to life with a three-year-old and a new baby, I often worry like crazy that I am deficient in my mothering of my three-year-old, that she is not getting the best of me like she used to. This may be a little bit true, but she still knows how fiercely I love her, and she still gets at least a little time every day to have Mommy-Sky time and connect and make memories together. And it's getting better every day as I learn how to juggle my time and commitments to these two little creatures. I know it will keep getting better for you too!

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