Wednesday, September 8, 2010


I have been feeling a little sorry for myself the past few days.  Ridiculous, I know, but it happens to everyone, right?

I just can't stop thinking about the fact that I "should" be eight months pregnant.  (I guess that's debatable--if I was supposed to still be pregnant, I would be.)  I know that if I was eight months pregnant, I would probably be very large and uncomfortable--but at least I would be quite close to having a little SnugBug of my own.

As it is, I'm back to teaching.

I'd prefer to have a SnugBug.

I thought that getting approved for adoption would make the wait for a baby seem easier.  One step closer, right?  Well, I have to say that it hasn't made it easier.  It has made me more impatient.  When will we hear something from a birth mother?  When will we get picked?  It could be next month.  It could be a year from now.  It could be never.

It's like not knowing if you're one month pregnant, eight months pregnant, or not pregnant at all.


I waited a long time to tell my friends about our struggle with infertility because I didn't want to be defined by my circumstances.  When people saw me, I didn't want them to automatically think, "That's so sad that Rachel can't get pregnant."  I didn't want them to pity me or think that my life must feel so empty without a child--because my life didn't and doesn't feel empty.  I am happy.

So why am I feeling sorry for myself this week?  It makes me mad, especially when I think about all of the situations in the world that are about a gazillion trillion times worse than mine.

I am going to go make myself a mug of hot cocoa with a giant marshmallow in it.  I think that will make me feel better.

Any other ideas?


  1. Rachel you and Ryan are in my prayers. You are not alone. The waiting game is long and painful! I remember thinking at least when you are pregnant you know how far along you are. However, I can tell you that the wait is worth it and all that pain will be completly wiped away when your baby is placed in your arms. In the meantime, drink lots of cocoa and we will continue to pray that your birthmother will recognize you guys.

  2. I don't think it's ridiculous at all. I think it's only natural. A snoog from Ry-Ry might help a little when combined with that cocoa! :)

  3. There's always the old gain-weigh-to-look-pregnant option. I tried it for a while.... I guess I don't really recommend it. ;)

  4. If the hot chocolate doesn't work, stop by I have some Oreo's and milk that should do the trick:) It almost always works for me.

  5. I've already tried that one, Chelsea...believe me. I don't recommend it either!

  6. Um... how about being told that upon hearing your name only awe, not pity is thought? That whenever Rachel Nielsen is mentioned, only positive, complimentary, and the most outstanding things are said. I think it would be impossible to "flatter" you because that would intonate that the compliment was unfounded. On the contrary, there are usually not high enough compliments to be paid to you. You are the person everyone strives to be like. It completely sucks (for lack of a better word) that you don't have a snugabug yet. Life is not fair and it is highly exemplified in the fact that you are not a mother yet. If it makes ME frustrated, I can't even imagine how you feel. When it is "only a matter of time", that only makes time stand still. However, it will come. You will have a snugabug and when it happens, you'll not be able to remember life without him/her. And your sweet baby will adore his mother for being so patient to get him.

    Thank you for reminding me of the happiness that comes from liquid chocolate in a mug. I think I'll make myself some.

  7. hang in there girl!
    it's OK to feel bad and crummy and to feel sorry for yourself. . . it happens to the best of people. . . and you know what?
    YOU are the *BEST of people*!!! :)

    how about steak?
    that ALWAYS puts a smile on my face!
    granted. . . it's not chocolate. . . but is sure is tasty!

  8. Hey Rach,
    I have to agree with your friends. I know you didn't write this post as an attempt to fish for compliments, but we (the collective we---anyone who knows you) are so impressed by you that it is hard not to pass on the bounty of positive things to say about you. I love you for your dedication, your strength, your TRUE and never trite testimony, your focus, your energy, your love, your leadership, your humor and quick wit. I've been feeling sorry for myself lately, too. It is hard not to ESPECIALLY when you are facing circumstances beyond your control. I cried on several different occasions today and wanted to kick myself for it--then you feel bad for feeling bad. So, I guess I shouldn't give advice because I'm definitely working on this myself, but I will tell you the little thought of the day that pulled me out of my own doldrums for a moment today. It was one of those tender mercies of the Lord that, when recognized, can make the heavy load a bit lighter. This comes from President Hinckley's book, "Stand a Little Taller," and is the thought for today, September 8:
    "Enjoy Life:
    'A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.' --Proverbs 17:22

    In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

    I know you are a happy person and enjoying life, but positive little optimistic thoughts, especially from someone I love and admire like President Hinckley help me cheer up. So, my suggestion? Surround yourself, as much as possible, with positivity. Add Gordon or Marjorie Hinckley quotes to your life; turn on happy music. The days will pass. The weeks too.

    Lots of love,

  9. A good movie always helps me feel better! Or a sad movie that allows me to cry and then get over it! Not that I'm suggesting that you get over this. It's just that my problems are so small that a good sad movie and cry can usually get me over my problems. Yay escapism!

  10. Guess who made it to your comments? Finally :) I guess persistence was the answer this time,
    I'm sorry you are feeling down. I guess it is only natural considering the 'mile markers' in the road this fall.
    I know on this end I am feeling impatient. I just can't imagine how many times that is multiplied for you two.
    I love you. I wish some amount of hard work could help you achieve your goals.

  11. Hey Rachel, I have felt the same way about our baby that we lost, and it is totally normal to think the way you are thinking and it does suck and make you feel horrible and if you ever want to talk about it out loud come on over I'll serve up a cup of hot chocolate and it will probably have marshmallows in them too I promise it will make you it will feel better to talk about it out loud

  12. I feel terrible that you have to go through this terribly frustrating time! I am praying and eagerly awaiting good news. Like everyone else said, you are the best person I know and one of my favorite people in the world! I'll just keep praying! I love you Rach.

  13. I am so sorry, Rach. It must be SO frustrating. I am also sorry that I am just now reading this post--I guess that shows how good of a sister I have been lately. I have been totally self absorbed. But we are still praying for you. Keep your chin up! Love you bestie!

  14. Oh Rachel, I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how difficult your situation must be. You and Ryan are so amazing and we pray for you daily that you will get a sweet baby soon!

  15. Sorry you're feeling down Rach. I too think you are wonderful and I know you will make an amazing mother. Your future child will be loved and adored like crazy.

    I'm sorry if this has already been mentioned but have you and Ryan looked into doing foster care or foster to adopt? When Matt and I were unable to conceive we became certified foster parents with the hope of possibly adopting a foster child placement. I don't know if you could do that while you have an open adoption profile but it might be something to look into. I do hope and pray that you will receive your little snuggle bug soon!

  16. Ditto to what Stephanie and so many others said.

  17. Rachel, I've always wanted to be like you. You are an amazing person. Seriously! I think my little brother David says it best, "these things have a way of working themselves out." He says it about everything! And they always do. Love your Rachey!

  18. I'm sorry you are feeling down. I know things will work out for you. Good things happen to good people and you definently fall in that category.


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