More on...you guessed it!...adoption

I promise this blog isn't going to be solely devoted to adoption forever.  But for the time being, it's basically all that's on my mind.  I am doing okay--I am just feeling determined and quite anxious for something to work out.

First of all, I feel like I've managed to scare all of you away from ever attempting to adopt.  I just need to tell you that our case worker assures us that our track record is very unusual.  Most couples do not have this many disappointments and so close together.  (Not sure how we got so lucky!)  So don't be scared off if adoption is something you are considering.  I still think it is wonderful, and I am not giving up yet.

They say the best way to get chosen for adoption is to simply get the word out to as many people as possible.  The more people who see the profile, the greater chance you have of being chosen.  I have been hesitant to beg for help (I don't know, it just feels so pathetic), but desperate times call for desperate measures.  So here goes.

Can you do the following:

-Put our adoption button on your blog/website?  (Thanks to so many of you who already have!)  If you look at my sidebar, you will see instructions that detail how to do this.

-Post a brief note about our desire to adopt on your blog/website?  If you're willing, it would be great if you could include the link to our adoption profile and the link to our blog.  (Again, thanks to those of you who have already done this.)

-Post a link to our adoption profile/blog on Facebook?  Will you ask others to do the same?  I myself don't have Facebook, but I know that those who do often have hundreds of "friends"...a very good way for a lot of people in a lot of different places to see our profile.  And if they share with their friends...well, we'll basically be famous overnight!! :) 

-If you know anyone who is actually famous (unlike us) or who has a high-traffic website or blog, ask them to post our button?  (A friend of mine recently asked her friend, who writes the popular Mormon satire blog Seriously So Blessed, to post their adoption button.  She said they had something like 400 hits in an hour!)  

-Email your friends about our desire to adopt?

-Mention us anytime you hear about a situation that might lead to an adoption?

-Pray for us?

-Any other ideas?

I must tell you that this is really hard for me.  I hate that I have to ask my friends to do this.  I know that the adoption buttons are corny, and I wish that I wasn't asking you to post ours.  It feels...I don't know...embarassing?...wrong?...to have to advertise yourself to get a baby.

I keep saying to myself, "Rachel, there are so many babies out there who need good homes.  Stop whining, and go find one!"  In addition to LDS Family Services, we've looked into foster care adoption, and special needs adoption, but how do we know which direction to go?  How do we find the baby that is right for our family?  I keep praying for guidance, but I'm just not sure what to do.

Some of you know that I am a huge letter writer, and I am also a huge journaler.  So, throughout this entire adoption process, I have been writing letters to the baby as my way of "journaling" the experience.  Today, I looked back in time and read the very first letter.  It rejuvenated me a little bit to read my own hopeful words, written before the disappointments.  It reminded me that there's still a lot of hope, especially with our wonderful friends and family supporting us and helping to spread the word.

I want to share the letter.  I hope that's okay.

July 31, 2010

Dear Baby,

I feel like I conceived you yesterday.  Now, before you get grossed out, let me clarify: I conceived you in that our adoption profile went “live” online.  Birth mothers all over America can now see our information, and technically, our journey toward YOU has begun.  I wonder where your mother is…I wonder how far along she is in her pregnancy…I wonder when and how she will find us.

I am praying that she does. 

When I temporarily got pregnant back in January, my initial reaction was, of course, shock—then joy—then fear.  I have gone through that same cycle of emotions these past two days.  When I saw our adoption profile online, I screamed, “We’re up!  Ryan, we’re up!”  And then I was giddy with excitement and dancing around the house for the rest of the day. 

But today, things feel a little different.  The reality is setting in—and with the reality comes a bit of fear.  Any day now, I could become a mother.  Usually, adoptive parents get much more notice than that; but technically, I could get a phone call tomorrow and a baby a few days later.  Am I ready for that?  I mean, honestly, am I ready to care for and love and teach another human being?  And a human being that I know nothing about—who could come from parents that are totally different in temperament, personality, and upbringing than Ryan and me?  It’s all a little mind-boggling.

This afternoon, I sent an email to all of our friends and family, explaining our situation and asking for their help to spread the word about our desire to adopt.  It felt good to get the email written and sent; but afterward, I felt so very vulnerable.  Did I really just send an email which exposes some of my greatest trials and greatest desires to over 100 people?  The more I thought about it, the more sick it made me.  Honestly, your dad and I went to see a movie tonight, and I couldn’t concentrate because I was replaying each word of the email in my mind and questioning whether I ever should have shared something so personal.  I was squirming in my seat until Ryan reached over and took my hand.  He always knows how to calm me down.  He has been so good to me the past couple of days…he is always good to me, but he has been especially attentive and loving as I’ve worked on the adoption and prepared for my solo trip to El Salvador.  (I leave in just a couple of days.)  I hope that many years from now, when you are a teenager, you will look at our marriage and know that it is filled with love.  I hope your dad and I will still treasure each other as much then as we do now.  He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me.

We are going to be a family.  Dad, you, and I.  And over the years, we will add more babies to our clan—you will be a big brother or sister.  We will go through hard times, and we will fight now and then, and sometimes you might even wish that we weren’t your parents (though I hope it never comes to that); but I want you to always remember how much we love you and how much we worked to bring you into our lives.  I have no doubt that you will bring us immeasurable joy as we watch you grow and learn and figure out the world.

It’s been a great weekend.  You are on the way.  I couldn’t be happier.

Love,

Mom