I have never liked waiting--nor have I been good at it--yet I find myself waiting a lot these days.
I am waiting to plan the next few months of our lives (do we have enough money for me to visit my sister during my February break? will I be able to finish the entirety of my school year before we move?) until I find out if and where Ryan matches for residency.
Thank heaven that wait will be over tomorrow.
I am waiting to rock a baby to sleep in my arms and sing lullabies and wipe tears and calm tantrums until we get pregnant or get chosen for an adoption.
Please, heaven, let that wait be over tomorrow.
I don't think anyone can escape this life without having to, at some point, wait for something that they really really want. A job, a cure, a loved one's change of heart...a spouse.
Several of my best friends are not married. They'd like to be. A few of them appear to be on their way (very serious boyfriends); others have suffered recent disappointments. They are beautiful, kind, intelligent, and talented. They are spiritual, selfless, funny, and capable.
And yet they wait. They wait and hope and work for something that is almost entirely out of their control.
I think about them and pray for them. For, while I can make a "Hoping to Adopt" button and post it all over the Internet, while I can write lengthy blog posts about my broken heart and receive an outpouring of validation from friends and family--they really cannot. You don't see too many "Hoping to Marry" blog buttons.
A phrase that has fascinated me in my recent scripture study is "waiting on the Lord." One thing that I love about online scriptures is that I can type in a search term and easily read all of the references that relate to my query.
When I enter "wait on the Lord," I get 47 results, and I have thought about many of those verses at different moments in the last few months.
Lately, I have been thinking about this one:
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
I try to remember those words as I wait for email contacts from birth mothers. Once the initial contacts come, I try to remember those words as I wait for each reply (and it's possible I check my email every ten minutes). Once an email relationship has been established, I try to remember those words as I wait for them to decide if they want us to be the parents of their baby--and as I wait and pray that they won't change their minds.
It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and sometimes I wonder if I can continue doing it. I need the Lord to "renew [my] strength." I need Him to help me "mount up with wings as eagles," so I can see a view of my life from a higher, more eternal perspective and feel the exhilaration of His love. I need Him to help me run this endurance race "and not be weary...and not faint."
We are all waiting for something. We've been promised that we can bear it. Sometimes I'm not so sure...but then I remember these scriptures, and I remember...
We can do it.