I am feeling melancholy. I feel like I shouldn't admit that because I know I should be brimming with joy every day because of the good news that we got recently--but the truth is, I am stressed. Not necessarily about the baby (though I will admit that I am not happy about the ginormous folder of Colorado adoption paper work that appeared in our mailbox this week)...I am just stressed. About everything.
Our house is a disaster. We have "to do" piles everywhere--stuff to be sorted and dealt with. We haven't unpacked from our trip yet, though we've been home for two days. We haven't had time.
I work "part-time," but I've been at the school until 7 p.m. three nights in a row. I will never catch up on the grading that I have to do.
Our time in Buffalo is drawing to a close, and I have regrets. I don't like having regrets. I regret not spending more time with friends. I regret not spending more time with Deborah. I regret not spending more time with our neighbor kids, who haven't been over to make cookies since the summer. I regret that I didn't let go and have more fun while we lived here. ...it's difficult to explain to someone who has never been a teacher what it's like to be a teacher. I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time on teaching.
Do you ever feel like you can't do everything in your life well? So you just do as much as you can semi-well, but it never feels really satisfying? Do you ever look back on previous years and think, "How did I do it all back then?" It seems like I used to be able to do more and handle more.
I feel like I run around every day "putting out fires," and yet I never seem to make any progress. I wish that I could just accept this as the reality of my life and stop feeling stressed about it. I wish I had a more eternal perspective.
I hope the snow on the ground melts tomorrow.
...And sometimes the only treatment is to go to bed and try again in the morning. So I went to this film festival and one of the videos was about crazy whitewater rafting/kayaking folk. One of the girls was considering the rapids and the sheer force of it all, and said, "Everyone tries at least once to fight it, but you just get pummeled." Then she explained learning to work with what the rapids gave her, and that's how she got through. Which struck me initially as something very passive, this surrender, but "passive" would be the last word I would use to describe how she got herself down the river. I don't know if that image is helpful to you or not, but it helps me!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way and I don't even have a job. Our to do lists are always growing, no matter how many things we think we are crossing off every day. My house is a mess, I barely even get my kids dressed for the day unless it's absolutely necessary. The worst for me is I tell myself atleast I am being the best mom I can be, but then I have a day where my kids are little monsters, and I feel like I can't even get that right. I don't have the answer but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed or thinking you should be able to do more.
ReplyDeletefrom a teacher to another teacher... i understand. ugh.
ReplyDeleteyou are so many things to so many people and you take so many burdens on yourself. it has been an intensely emotional year for you -- and now that you have what you had always wanted -- you're pouring those other emotions into everything else. change is stressful. adoption is happy. and your students, at the very least, are forever touched by all the time you sacrificed for them.
xoxo
amber
We all feel this way sometimes. But you have been a great teacher, a great RS Pres, a great force in helping Deb progress in the Gospel, and made so many GREAT friends! You have had a very full and happy life in Buff, even if it wasn't all roses. Make some of those assignments disappear or just give them a base grade for participating/doing it. They don't need detailed feedback on every assignment! Sometimes on days when I am so blue that I can hardly stand myself the only answer is to say, "Screw it!" and go to sleep to try again in the morning. I love you, sis!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely, Rach. Doing as much as I can semi-well? Story of my life, I'm afraid. You have SO MANY good desires, I don't think it would be humanly possible to do them ALL at the level you would like to. I'm remembering a quote by Sister Beck that is something like, "A woman of faith knows that she cannot do every charitable act in her heart she wishes to do." Or something...Anyway, the point is, you have a good heart that wants to do the very best at a very many number of things. Instead at looking at what is finished, imagine the Lord looking on you and seeing all you've accomplished and the number of LIVES you have touched. Hang in there, girly. Before long, school will be out, the paperwork will be done. Little by little.
ReplyDeleteOne word...Scan-tron...or is that 2 words? You deserve it and the kids will love you for it. PS. Just wait until you get that little baby boy, then you will really feel like you run around all day and accomplish nothing.
ReplyDeleteRachel, I have to chuckle a little bit---Am would say that this post sounds exactly like me! I was just thinking about regrets this morning---I've heard people claim to have lived life without any regrets, but I don't think that's possible in the strictest sense. No matter how hard I try, I can always think of something more I could or should have done, a great big pile of somethings, actually, that makes my offering seem paltry by comparison. But that's the great secret of the gospel: Christ asks us to do just what we can, and he takes care of the pile of somethings we could or should have done. So give yourself a break!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to deal with putting out life's normal "fires" when you have an adoption on the horizon!
ReplyDeleteI know you mentioned earlier that you were going to email me and after reading this, I was just checking in to make sure you were ok.
I hope the stresses life for you, but in the mean time, be sure to take some time out for yourself. :)
"lift" not "life"... sorry!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad for "admitting" that! As absolutely wonderful as it is that you will be getting a baby soon, that is a ways away, and it for sure doesn't take away all the other stresses that you have to deal with. My method of coping during law school was to do basically just that, and nothing else that wasn't absolutely necessary. You on the other hand have a very full plate of things to juggle. You are doing awesome. Definitely cut yourself some slack wherever you possibly can ... there are enough areas where it just isn't possible. Good luck Rach, I'm thinking of you! Hopefully when you do get that sweet baby boy everything else will have settled down and you can focus on just that one thing for a little while. I think any new mom would say that's a necessity!
ReplyDeleteRachel, I think that's being a parent too, feeling like everything you do is done semi-well!! Please tell me when you've figured out the trick! I guess the thing that really helps me is E. Oaks talk about forgoing good or better things for the best things.
ReplyDeleteRecognize the good you're doing and just keep trying. Something else that has helped me is to start planning everyday. Not only does it help me do exactly what I need to, but it also makes me realize, I'm busier than I thought and that's why I feel like I don't get much done! I literally don't have enough time to do everything I think should.
Sorry you are feeling so down, Sissy. Wish I had some good advice but I don't. I am a big time regretter and I hate that about myself. Sam doesn't understand at all how down I get out of the blue just thinking about how many things I am letting pass by or doing "so so." Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteSo I second what Candice B said. You are being prepared for motherhood. You go from being a super productive, active person to exhausted and proud that in 1 day you folded the laundry AND started the crock pot. Everything you do from now on will be 1/2 as good as you want it to be (including your parenting skills!). Don't be discouraged, just be let it strengthen your testimony that God picks up all our slack.
ReplyDeleteThis is how I have felt every day since I have been an adult. It does not help that my family makes many comments about my being a "jack of all trades" a label I was proud of until I found out the rest of that saying was "jack of all trades... master of none..." Grrr. It really hurt my feelings when they said that and I found out what they really meant. Not the same thing as what you are saying but probably the same feeling. I don't have any answers for you either. :( Other than, you're not alone!
ReplyDelete