Looking Back: Journal Entry, February 5, 2011

**To celebrate National Adoption Month, I am posting some of my journal entries (written in the midst of our waiting) to try to give a clearer picture of what it's like to adopt.

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February 5, 2011

I am feeling so sad today.

In the past six months, we have been contacted by eight birth moms.  Each of these contacts is exciting, and each time that it doesn't work out, it's like a miscarriage.  I know that seems dramatic, but really, it's the same emotions of grief for a baby that will never be.   The last several birth moms have given us their due dates: January 13th, January 27th, February 4th, March 8th.  As each due date comes and goes, I feel a variety of emotions.  I feel sad.  I feel empty. I feel angry.  I feel jealous.  Sometimes, I feel nothing.

Three of those four contacts will be placing their babies with other families.  I know this is completely irrational, but I feel a little angry at those other families who are getting the babies, those other families who probably don't even know that Ryan and I exist.  I know that I should be happy for them...but how can I be happy for them, when I am so sad for me?

The birth moms that we have talked to and met seem so wonderful...until they just suddenly stop communicating with us and completely tear my heart out.  Why can't people just email me and say, "We decided on a different family"?  As disappointing as that email would be, it wouldn't hurt as much as it does to wait...and wait...and wait...and check my email...and check again...and keep checking...and lose hope...and cry...and check again...

It is awful.

I am happy to say that, right now, we are not in contact with any birth moms.   It's only a matter of time until we will get contacted again, and there's a part of me that is dying to get the next contact (because what if it's the right one?), but there's another part of me that is just so relieved to have a little break right now.

I'm going to go to bed. 

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Katie contacted us two days after this journal entry was written.  You just never know when your life is going to change!  Tomorrow's post: My journal entry after Katie contacted us. :)