**To celebrate National Adoption Month, I have been posting some of my journal entries (written in the midst of our waiting) to try to give a clearer picture of what it's like to adopt.
With this journal entry, I wanted to illustrate that even after we had been chosen, there were still lots of moments of uncertainty, worry, sadness, and guilt.
April 17, 2011
Little one, I am sad tonight. I haven’t really heard from Katie in a month, and I am worried about her. I think about her every day and wonder how she is doing. I know she must be showing by now, and I wonder how her peers at school are reacting to her pregnancy. I wonder how she is feeling physically and emotionally. I wish I could be closer to her and to you during this pregnancy. I am envious of people who get to carry their babies with them throughout an entire pregnancy. It must be amazing to have your baby inside of you—to have him with you all the time and to feel him and to know that he is growing, thriving, and on his way. Right now, you feel so far away from me.
Sometimes I feel so very guilty that Katie is enduring all of the physical and emotional hardships of this pregnancy, and she won’t even get the reward of having you. Sometimes I think she must hate me for that. I really hope that she doesn’t because I love her, and I love you, and I don’t want to cause anyone any pain.
Oh how I pray I will hear from her soon.
Love you, Baby.