So, I went to see a counselor...

A few weeks ago, I mentioned on this blog that I went to see a counselor and that I would eventually write more about my experience.  It felt a little embarrassing to admit that, but I don't know why.  There is no shame in admitting that I don't know everything, and I'm not perfect, and someone outside of my friends and family had information that has helped me. 

I wrote a little bit about my experience with counseling for an article for The Power of Moms, which was published yesterday.  For the article, I simplified the explanation of why I went to counseling.  I said that I wanted to learn more about healthy ways to deal with stress, and that is true, but what I didn't get into on their website was the fact that the counselor that I went to see specializes in eating disorders.

For the past ten years, I have dealt with stress through food--both undereating and overeating.  The year that my mom was dying, I barely ate at all and ran between 5-8 miles a day.  I remember actually having the conscious thought that I couldn't keep my mom from dying, but I could control the amount of food that I put into my mouth and the number of miles I ran every day.  This pattern of using food as a means of coping with stress and negative emotions has continued in the ten years since, but during my years of infertility and adoption stress, it went to the other extreme.  I remember coming home from fertility appointments and thinking, "Well, if I can't have a baby, I am going to have a brownie (or the entire pan) instead."  The year when we had the ectopic pregnancy and all of the failed adoptions was by far the most stressful year of my life, and I ate to comfort myself.  And then adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom with a baby who rarely stopped crying in a city where I didn't have any friends yet made things even worse.

I don't have any of the "major" eating disorders like anorexia or bulimia, but I just feel like I've had a dysfunctional relationship with food for the past ten years, and I have tried to overcome it on my own, but it has never worked.  So that's why, with lots of prayer and the support of my sisters, my dad, Ryan, and several trusted friends whom I truly believe God brought into my life, I decided to go talk to a counselor about it.

It has been a really good experience.  It's definitely awkward (I kind of hate talking about myself so much--it feels selfish and one-sided), but I have learned a lot, and, most importantly, it has helped.  I don't feel controlled by food or my emotions anymore, and I just feel so much happier in general. I've let go of a lot of my perfectionism, which has definitely fed this problem. In addition to one-on-one counseling, I also attended a ten-week therapy group where we discussed Dialectical Behavorial Therapy (DBT), which is basically just healthy ways of dealing with stress.  (It's like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, if you've heard of that.)  My article on The Power of Moms shares one of the strategies that I learned in the DBT group that is simple and has helped me a lot.  So check it out if you're interested.

In the coming weeks, I will write more on this blog about some of the specific things I've learned and insights I gained, but for now I thought I would just put this out there.  I don't think I am the only woman on the planet who struggles with this problem, and if it helps even one person to know that she is not alone in this struggle, then I am willing to open up about it. There have been a lot of times in the past ten years when I have felt very alone in this struggle--ashamed, weak, hopeless--but I don't feel that way anymore, and I don't want others to feel that way either.  None of us is perfect.  We all struggle with things.  I want people to know that they can talk about the things that are difficult for them and the things that matter to them.  That's what life is all about.

Give-away Winner!

I used random.org to determine the winner of the Power of Moms give-away, and Katie/Chris Kelley's comment was chosen!  Hooray!  Katie, I understand that you are a friend of my sister's, so she will give you my email address.  Contact me, and I will let you know how to get your free program!

And for those of you who didn't win--don't be too sad.  There will be another POMs give-away  in the near future.

xoxo

Now presenting my FAVORITE photo from the Christmas season!

He just looks so content to be snuggled up to a strange man with a ridiculous artificial beard.  

Worst Santa in history...cutest kid, though!
(And, for the record, Santa was very nice.)

This classy photo was taken at the mall in Twin Falls, Idaho.  Noah and I had to kill some time while Ryan checked out a job opportunity with a pediatric dentist there.  Turns out the mall in Twin Falls isn't very big (shocker!), so we ended up spending some time in a photo booth as well.

 Noah's mother is insane.  He likes it.

P.S. Does anyone have any thoughts about living in Twin Falls, Idaho?  This is the very beginning of Ryan's job search, so we are far from committing to anything, but he only has six months of residency left, so it's time to get serious about making some decisions for our future.  (Scary.)

P.P.S.  Today is your last chance to enter my Power of Moms Giveaway!  Do so before midnight!

Highlights of Christmas in Idaho

Ryan had the week before Christmas off, so we spent ten days in Idaho with his family.  It was such a great time.  I am going to let the photos do most of the talking as I recap the highlights of the week:

*Sled hill in the backyard! Gordon came home early from work one day and announced that he was going to build a sled hill and a snowman for Noah.  Best Grandpa ever!

*Holiday cooking and baking!  Sally was in Boise helping with Ashley's new baby for the first few days of our visit, so I did the cooking (with lots of help from the guys).  It was actually really fun to work together on meals.  I made my "famous" chicken pot pies one night.  (It's literally the only dish I make well.)  Once Sally got home and started cooking, Grandpa often sat Noah on the counter to watch Grandma work.  Every once in a while, Noah got a taste of the whipped cream or whatever delicacy she was making.

*Annual trip to the family cabin in Sun Valley!  We skiied and snowboarded, played games, ate delicious food, drank hot cocoa, and sat around the fire chatting.

I love this beautiful town.

I bought Noah's ski sweater long before he was born.
(I bought it the weekend that we met Katie for the first time and found out that Noah was a boy!)
I knew it would be perfect for winter days at the cabin.  He looked so cute in it.

Ryan had a blast snowboarding with his dad, Tanner, and Cole for several days.
Derek and Alli joined them for one day too. Noah and I stayed at the cabin.  Maybe when we go back
in two years we'll get Noah on some skis!

*Sweet Baby Kate!  Nate and Ash surprised us by showing up at the cabin with Kate on our last night there, and then they came with us to Pocatello for Christmas.  Noah wasn't sure what to think of the little peanut at first, but then he warmed right up to his cousin.  I was addicted to her from the first moment I laid eyes on her and held her as much as possible throughout the weekend.

Happy aunts!

"Mom, can I touch her?"
"No!!"

Christmas Eve cuties!

*Family Nativity play on Christmas Eve.  This is a tradition in my sister-in-law Sara's family, and we were glad she proposed it to the Nielson clan.  Everyone got really into their roles, and the make-shift costumes were classic.  Fun memory!

*Christmas morning!  Is anything better??

Happy family!

Opening presents!

I was apparently quite excited myself about the stellar gift that we got Noah: a miniature magna doodle.
It was the only present he got from his parents, poor neglected child.
(We knew he would be plenty spoiled by aunts, uncles, and grandparents--we were right.)

*And the best part of the trip???  Noah's bonding time with his aunts and uncles and his wonderful grandparents!!  This little boy is so blessed with so many people who love him.

Ice skating with Uncle Cole

Shopping with Aunt Sara

Books with Aunt Ashley and Uncle Nate

Uncle Derek and Aunt Alli gave Noah an awesome set of toy musical instruments
(so much cooler than what he got from his parents!).

After his long day of snowboarding, Uncle Tanner willingly shared his Peanut M&Ms with Noah (after biting them in half). That is true love!

Admiring the tree with Grandpa

Bedtime stories with Grandma
Notice the dog and the blanket! :)

Christmas Eve with the two grandbabies                

It was a Christmas that we will always remember, and we are grateful!

A Perfect Day

Saturday, December 15th was a perfect day.  Here is why:

1. Noah was an angel on our flight to Utah.  He sat calmly with his daddy and played with his laptop toy and giggled and smiled at the other passengers on the plane.  Love him.

2. We got to see Grandma Nielson (Ryan's mom) before she headed to Boise to await the arrival of her newest grandchild.  While Noah took a brief nap in his carseat, she and I sat in the parked car and talked about life.  I always love my talks with Sally, and I love the way that she adores Noah.  I feel so fortunate to have her in my life.

3.  Then we got to see Katie and Drew and their families.  People always ask me if this is awkward, and I always tell them that it's truly not.  I will admit that I usually get a little nervous before a visit (just because I want everything to go so perfectly, and I want to be sensitive to Katie and Drew, as I know they have had emotional ups and downs in the months since they placed Noah for adoption); but in the end, every visit is such a sweet experience for me.  Their families are always so gracious, warm, and welcoming.  They hug me, shower me with compliments about my mothering (seriously, so kind!), and gush over how perfect Noah is.  We sit around and watch him like he is the most exciting creature on the planet (he is sometimes a little overwhelmed by the attention), and it's genuinely really fun to catch up with all of them.  I love them and feel very grateful for the miraculous way that God has brought our families together.

3. After the family festivities, Katie and Drew got precious alone-time with Noah.  In quieter environments, he isn't so clingy to me and his true personality comes out (this is probably true of all toddlers), so I am really glad that they got this time with him.  Watching the three of them play in front of the glowing Christmas tree just felt so special--it's one of my favorite memories from the holiday season.  I love how much those two love Noah.

As I'm sure you can imagine, adoption is an emotional journey that isn't over with the signing of papers, and I worry about Katie and Drew when I know they are having a hard time and missing Noah.  There isn't a "right" way to do open adoption, and I think it's sometimes difficult for both me and Katie to figure out how much contact we should have and how to respect each other's needs and roles; but our interactions are always based in mutual respect and love, and so it works.  I genuinely love Katie and Drew so much, and I will always want them to be apart of our life and Noah's life.

4. While I was at Katie's, watching the sweet scene by the Christmas tree, I got a text from Sally that my niece, Kate Sophia, was born at 5:47 p.m.  Amazing.  I felt so happy and full of love for her and for her parents.

5. After leaving Katie's, we met up with Ryan's family in Salt Lake City.  We wanted to spend time with Ryan's brother Derek and his wife since they wouldn't be in Idaho with us for the week leading up to Christmas.  We met Derek, Alli, Cole, Sara, Gordon, and Tanner at Market Street Grill and enjoyed a delicious dinner and great conversation.  Even though it was way past his bedtime, Noah was a good boy at the restaurant and made quite a splash in his candycane-striped pajamas!  His aunts and uncles couldn't get enough of him!  We enjoyed walking to and from Temple Square in the cold night and seeing holiday lights and bustle.

6. By the time we left downtown Salt Lake, it was about 10:30 p.m., and Noah usually goes to bed between 7 and 8 p.m.  Amazingly, he was still in a great mood (as you can see from the photo below), and when we returned my rental car to the airport, he ran around the lobby in his footie pajamas, giggling and chasing his Uncle Tanner.  In that moment, watching Tanner and Noah playing together in the empty airport lobby, I realized that it had been a perfect day.  I don't know why, but I think I will always remember that scene and that moment.

Exuberant boy, clapping for joy

7.  Then Tanner, Ryan, Noah, and I all loaded up into the family Suburban with Gordon and made the 2 1/2 hour drive to Pocatello, Idaho.  Yes, it was the middle of the night by the time we got there.  Thankfully, exuberant Noah conked and slept most of the way there, and when we arrived, he went right back to sleep in his Pack-N-Play.  It was a miracle, and a perfect end to a truly wonderful day.

More on the holiday trip to Idaho to come...and I promise I will try not to write a long-winded post about each of the great days that we spent there, or this could get really old!

Noah Atticus--17 Months!

Noah is 17 months old and talking up a storm.  I love being his mom.  I love everything about his current age (well, except for his gross hands and face after each meal, as he absolutely insists on feeding himself--what a mess!).  It's been a while since I've written an update about the things he's saying and doing.  I know this type of update is boring for most of you, but I do it for the grandparents, the aunts and uncles, the birthparents, posterity (this blog is the only baby book that Noah is getting!), and myself.  I can't bear the thought of losing these memories, so I have to write them down!

Some of the funny and cute things Noah's been doing lately:

*He thinks if he closes his eyes, I can't see him.  Sometimes he will see me heading toward him when he's in the middle of some mischief, and he freezes, holds perfectly still, and closes his eyes.  He stands there like a statue with a sly smile on his face, his eyelids fluttering ever so slightly (I think he is trying to peek to watch my confusion at where he disappeared to).  Of course, I play along: "Where's Noah?" So that has become one of his favorite phrases this month: "Where's Noah?"  He's also been saying, "Where it go?" when he misplaces something.  He holds up his hands in confusion as he says this.  I love it.

*If he wants someone to pick him up, he will say "See me! See me!" and reach toward him/her frantically.  Ryan figured out that this phrase came from him hearing me say, "Come see me!" and "Do you want to come see me?"  So cute.

*His favorite word right now is "please" because he's figured out that it gets him what he wants.  He says it with a long, pronounced E sound, "Pleeeeeeeaase!," and often clinches both of his fists like The Hulk during his dramatic exclamation.  It's super cute but also slightly annoying because it is his constant refrain.  He wants to get his hands on everything I am doing or eating. And how can I resist that polite little please?

*Speaking of manners, he says "Sorry" to himself.  Whenever he falls down or bonks his head, he will mutter, "Sorry, sorry!" and then keep playing.  He even apologizes to me if I accidentally bump into him. The other day, we were in Sunday School, and he scraped his back on one of the chairs and started screaming.  I picked him up and tried to quickly leave so the teacher could continue her spiritual lesson, but as we crossed the room in front of everyone, Noah kept sobbing out pathetically, "Sorry! Sorry!" as if he was apologizing for the disruption he had caused, and everyone was chuckling.

*And speaking of talking to himself, whenever he is trying to grab something that he can't quite reach, he says, "Get it! Get it! Get it!" as if he's giving himself a little pep talk.  :)

*He is starting to throw tantrums, but at this point, they are still really cute and funny.  When he doesn't get his way, he throws his arms down by his sides, slumps down to the ground, and fake cries.  It makes us laugh.

*He counts.  Well, not really.  One day, I heard him going "Tree, Four, Fie, Sixt, Seben..." and I about had a heart attack.  I thought I had a genius on my hands.  But then I realized that he wasn't actually counting anything, he was just repeating the sequence of words he has heard one too many times on Elmo's Count With Me DVD.  Wow--kind of embarrassing!  But hey, what's a mom supposed to do when I need to take a shower every once in a while and my son draws on walls with ballpoint pens if I leave him unattended for a few minutes? (True story.)  We don't have a TV, so he uses my laptop for an occasional video.  He is so amused by the monkey puppets on Baby Einstein--the delight on his face as he watches them is priceless!

*When he is in a giggly mood, he says, "Das funny!" or "Das silly!" over and over and laughs at himself.  Just yesterday he started saying, "Das crazy!" and I love it because it reminds me of Brian Fellow.

*He is still slightly terrified of the vacuum cleaner, though he doesn't sob anymore when I turn it on.  Instead, he runs to his room and emerges cautiously, clinging to his two security blankets: his "gog" from Grandma Nielson and his monster blanket from Grandma Westover.  He is addicted to both of these lovies, and he can't have one without the other--he needs both!  I always swore that I would never let my children get attached to certain blankets or stuffed animals (because what happens if you lose them or forget them on a trip?!), but I think it is so sweet that he loves something from each of his grandmas that I've never tried to break him of the habit.  I want him to have a special connection to both of them.

*He loves books!  Sometimes I find him sitting in his book basket "reading" to himself.  And sometimes he "reads" to his parents (while standing in an oven drawer, of course).

Video taken December 6, 2012

And one final video because it is so "Noah"--lots of jabber with some real words mixed in.  I love his little voice!  (And I LOVE the way he says "Mommy!" when I come to the bottom of the stairs and "Thank you!" to Katie and Drew for his truck.  The way he says "thank you" is my absolute favorite: "Di-jew!")

Power of Moms Give-Away

A few weeks ago, I wrote a novel-length post about how I got involved with Power of Moms.  This great website posts daily articles about motherhood and offers various programs to help mothers in all aspects of their lives.

As a Board member, I get one free program a month, and in honor of the new year, I am going to give away my free program to one of you this month.  Exciting.  My first ever blog give-away.  I know I am kind of a nerd, but I really just want to share the awesome resources of Power of Moms with my friends.

Check out all of their programs here, and decide which one you want--because you'll probably be the only person who enters my give-away, so chances are pretty good you will win!

One of my New Year's resolutions is to use their Mind Organization for Moms program to get my life in order.  I have heard rave reviews about the way it helps you organize your stuff, your schedule, your email inbox, your desk, your priorities, and your ideas.

They have a program about teaching your kids about work and money, if that is one of your current goals; or their newest program teaches kids about a different character trait each month through audio files, games, and PDFs on the computer.

They have a program called the Bloom Game which helps mothers make and track small, weekly goals to help them improve in all areas of their lives (you pick your own goals, so it can address anything you want).

I would love to join a Learning Circle, but there isn't one here in Denver yet (so one of my Denver friends needs to win the Learning Circle Leader kit and get one going!).

I listened to their Virtual Retreat and really enjoyed it, and I think the Do-It-Yourself Summer Camp kit sounds awesome for moms with older kids.

If you want to win one of their programs, each of the following will get you an entry.  (Leave a separate comment for each below.)

1.  Like Power of Moms on Facebook (so you will see updates about popular posts and new programs).  If you don't have Facebook, I kind of admire you, so leave a comment anyway, and I will give you an entry.

2.  Add Power of Moms website to your reader or blog roll (so you will be reminded to read the daily article on motherhood--you won't regret it).

3.  Peruse the programs (click here), and leave a comment for me about which one you would like to win.

That's it.  Three entries possible--one great prize.  The last day to enter will be Tuesday, January 8th.

Happy New Year!  xoxo