Chapter 7 – Today
Noah is four months old today. I am finishing up some high school classes online, working almost full-time as a CNA at a nursing home, and then hopefully attending college in the spring. I am in such a better place than I had ever hoped to be. Throughout everything, my testimony and faith in God has grown so much (which is exactly what my mother was hoping for). I know that adoption isn’t for everyone, but I think in a lot of situations like mine, with young girls such as myself, it is perfect.
It’s good. This place where I am.
Noah has come to visit me and Drew about once a month. He is getting so big, it’s hard to believe he used to be that seven pound little squirmy dude. I love him so much. I love Ryan and Rachel. They mean so much to me. And besides the fact that we are related, they are part of my family.
I miss Noah, I miss him a lot. But I know that he is in the right place. God knows he is in the right place. I’m happy. I’m happy that Noah gets to have this life I could never have provided him. He has my heart and that’s enough for me. I can only hope one day that will be enough for him too. I hope one day when he starts asking about me and Drew that he understands the sorrow and loss I have felt giving him away. I never wanted to; it was just what was right. And often times, doing the right thing is excruciatingly painful. I hope that Noah will understand, I did the best for him.
Being a mother is about more than changing diapers and holding your children when they get hurt. It is about doing what is necessary to give your child the best. Always the best. People might think that adoption is the easy way out, for birth moms and adoptive parents. But it is not easy. Some people might think that I just wasn’t ready to handle a child. But I am a mother too. Just in this case, I wasn’t the best thing for my sweet little perfect boy. I had to give him the best. For Noah, and for me and Drew, Rachel and Ryan are the best. I would never take back, not in a million years, the experiences I have had.
For once in my life, I feel like I’ve done the right thing.
If the only thing I could give my son was a better life, then that is enough. I love you so much, Noah. And I love you more every time I see your bright little face.
I love you, and I’m finally happy with myself.